What An Amazing Life

wow... looking back it feels like we only spent maybe a month in the hospital rather than 436 days. I'd give anything to have my little boy back... even though I know he is much better off now, I would have spent the rest of my life beside his hospital bed if I had too. 

I want everyone to know Deklyn passed away very peacefully .. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Just that morning we had decided with the doctors and nurses that we didn't want anyone to do anything like compressions or bagging any more. We just wanted Deklyn to be comfortable, whatever that meant we weren't even sure. At this point we knew Deklyn was going to pass away, unless something miraculous happened. Deklyn had been in a crib up until the morning of February 28th, when they moved him into an adult sized hospital bed so that we could lay with him. I will forever be grateful that they did that for us. In my heart I knew we didn't have much time, we had some family in the waiting room who had been with us for a few days already at this point, so we went to go get them so they could see Deklyn. At this point the doctors came to tell us they thought we had made a good choice and it was hard to say when Deklyn would pass away, sometimes people just get a spurt of energy and make it a few more weeks or even months. This was the last thing I wanted, although it sounds crazy, you think I'd want my kid around as long as I possibly could. But you have to understand that heart ache we'd been experiencing for the last 2 week already.. He was in pain and although he still had his happy side, most of the day seemed pretty hard on him. Just the day before I had gone back to the Ronald Mcdonald house to freshen up and I got on my knees and prayed that if Deklyn wouldn't be healed on earth that Sheridan and I would both be there when Deklyn passed away and that it would be peaceful... this is exactly what we got. Our family left the room and Sheridan decided to lay beside Deklyn. I sat on the couch we had in the room and it wasn't even 3 mintues later alarms starting going. This is nothing new to us... his alarms had been going off for days already but it was always his 02 sats. I looked up and it was his heart rate... inside I knew this was it. I got up and Sheridan asked what it was this time that was going off... I honestly don't remember what I said, I heard someone call for the doctors and Sheridan and I stood beside him holding his hands.. and he was gone. 

When I imagined him passing away I thought he'd be going blue and gasping for air which we'd seen many many times. It wasn't like that at all... in fact he kept his color for much longer than I expected and his O2 sats stayed up while his heart rate dropped. I will forever be grateful for this experience.

The days that followed were a blur... we had family come to help us clean our house and put things away seeing as we had all of Deklyns stuff in the hospital and a years worth of stuff at Ronald McDonald House. Honestly it still hasn't hit me that he's gone... I never got to have him at home so other than the pile of things in his room we don't have any memory's of him in the house.. It feels strange not calling to check on him, but right now it just feels like I'm having a sleep over at home and I'll be going back soon to see him.

We had Deklyn's celebration of life service yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. I want to thank anyone who did anything! I know so many people brought food, hospital staff brought balloons, people brought us gifts and cards, we've got meals from people so many amazing things... if you did anything at all for us please know how grateful we are! The service did get video taped so I will post it on here when I have it. But I did write a letter that I shared yesterday and I will put it here for you guys.

Deklyn. You are amazing. I don’t know anyone who had to go through the amount of junk you did and in spite of everything you showed more joy than I have ever seen in a human being. You are an amazing son, and I was so lucky to have you for the time that I did. Of course I wish it could have been much longer. I had so many dreams for you, but I now realize that those dreams weren’t even as great as the things you did accomplish in your short life. Since you have gone to heaven, I’m being told over and over how you have impacted so many people, how your life has taught people to live differently. You have done the very same for me, I realize that all the things we want in this world really don’t matter. Life is short and whats most important is what you do for God in that time. I’m glad we had the time to snuggle, to laugh and smile. To play with your all your toys and tickle you so hard you laughed. I wish I would have been able to hear your voice but I guess that’s just one more thing I have to look forward to in heaven. I am so happy for buddy, so happy that you finally get to experience life the way you were meant to. I wish you could have received your healing here on earth but I am so glad you don’t have to experience the hurt this world gives anymore. I am so glad I got to spend 14 months by your side, I would do it again in a heartbeat. You taught me so much. I had to step far outside my comfort zone almost every day I was with you and you made me a much stronger person.  I can’t believe this is where this journey has brought us. I honestly thought without a doubt I would be bringing you home, but I am so happy for you that you are in heaven, our eternal home and I have the promise of seeing you again. I bet everyone there thinks you are on crazy kid cause you just won’t stop running around and yelling and doing all the things that I wished you were able to do here.  Deklyn, you brought so much joy into my life. You gave me the gift of being a mother and that is something I will always have. I am so unbelievably proud of you, you are an amazing son and I feel so lucky that I was the one who got to take care of you for during your short 436 days of life. I can’t wait to see you again in heaven, I can only imagine all the things you are getting into and all the people you have met and are talking to. I am so happy that you are completely healed and feel only happiness.  With God we will make it through till we get to see you again, I honestly can’t imagine life without you but if I keep thinking on how many lives your life impacted and how now you are truly free I can’t help but feel happy.

This is not the end of your story, infact I think it may only be the beginning. I will make sure to continue to reach out to others using your life as a stepping stone, your short life may have only seemed like a splash in the water but I know we are going to continue to see the rippling effect from your amazing life. Deklyn, I am so proud of you… you were so happy… and to me you are the most beautiful boy I have ever seen.  I have been so amazed with you, you went through so much and still managed to click your tongue, smack your lips, smile and come up with new things to do with your mouth! I loved watching you grow and become strong, I only wish I could have done more for you. I loved how much you loved your toys. Although you couldn’t do much with them you loved looking at them and wiggling around and you just recently had started grabbing and pulling things. I will never forget your love for balloons… you would smile at them and proceed to reach out your arm so we could put the string in your hand so you could make the balloon do what you wanted it to do. I also loved how much you enjoyed books, ever since you were born you loved looking at the pages.

Even in your last days with us when you weren’t feeling good you always looked at a book when we read it to you.

You have given me more than I think most parents get from a 14 month old. I am not at all the same person I was 2 years ago. You have changed me for the better and I want you to know how much I love you and all your craziness.  I will miss you and I really don’t know how I will make it here without you but God gave me the strength to a lot of things I had to do in the past 14 months and I know he will be with me now too. We love you, we miss you and you will forever be engraved on our hearts. I promise to keep smiling, I promise to keep sharing the love of God through your story. I feel so incredibly honoured to have the tile “Deklyn’s Mommy”. I can’t wait to see you again buddy bear, but until then have fun, laugh, yell, run around and don’t get into too much trouble..  Love you forever.

I am so glad I decided to read this in front of everyone, although I am usually so strick when it comes to this stuff. I hate it when people don't look up when they are speaking to a crowd and I didn't look up.. I couldn't. I knew if I did I would cry a lot more than I had already. Sheridan also made an amazing video and you can see that here.

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all the hospital staff.... you guys are amazing! We have loved seeing the love you have for our son and are forever grateful for the love and attention you showed him. Just seeing how many of you came to the celebration was incredible. We will not forget you guys either and we promise to come by every now and then! You guys are our heros... you saved our sons life countless times and made sure we had him for as long as we did. Thank you, doesn't feel like enough... but that is all I have to offer at the moment.

A friend of ours has a blog, and she wrote up a very nice tribute to Deklyn and you can see that here.

This is all I will write for now. I want to thank you all so much for the support you have shown my family over the past 2 years and are continuing to show. This is not going to be easy.... and like I said I don't know how I am going to get through this, but I know I'm not the only that has to deal with the loss of a child. We will make it and we will be ok, but I will never forget my amazing son and everything that he has done for us and this world. Please continue to tell us how Deklyn has changed your life, it is honestly one of the biggest things getting us by right now.