Beautiful Memories

My recent posts have been on the sadder side, just missing Deklyn and trying to go on with out him has become really difficult. I don't really have much to say this post, but I wanted it to be a happy one, so I decided to write about my top ten moments with Deklyn (if i can even narrow it down to 10!)

Starting from the beginning of his life.

#1 My first cherished moment would be my whole pregnancy. I loved ever second of it. 

When Sheridan and I decided to start a family, it happened much faster than I had expected. I was hoping it wouldn't take to long but was prepared for it to talk a few months or even a year. In the beginning of April 2011 I was way to impatient to wait and see if I missed my period so I bought a test. I decided to just leave it in the bathroom for a bit before looking at it but Sheridan went to look. I asked for the results and he said "nope, not pregnant" I took a good long look at it... he was right. But i couldn't stop looking at it.. the longer I looked the more sure I became that there was the faintest line you could ever see... after a while I had Sheridan convinced there was a line and sure enough that faint little line was proof our little Deklyn was on the way. Besides the terrible acne pregnancy gave me, I loved every part! I loved the movement in my tummy, I loved how round I was, I just can't say enough how much I enjoyed it.

#2 My next favorite moment was seeing Deklyn for the first time/ our first day with him. Although to an outsider this day would have seemed terrifying and horrible, for me it was such a joyous day. After months of being told my son would die at or before birth, he was here and alive. I loved looking at his little body and touching his hand and his head. His hair was curly just like his daddy's  I joked that he did the one thing I asked besides being healthy and that was that'd he'd have his daddy's hair. We got to show off our brand new baby boy to our family and I was just so proud of him.

#3 Our very first time holding Deklyn. Now this was not an ordinary "first time holding your child" experience  but it was wonderful and such a blessing. Sheridan got to hold him first at 4 weeks old. It was a surprise as we really weren't told we could hold him yet but they wanted to get him a new incubator so he needed to be some where while they made the switch. Deklyn did so well, and seemed to enjoy it so they told us we could do it more often. It was quite the procedure though. He had to stay on his thick mattress and all his lines, tubes and hoses were quite a mess, but the amazing staff at childrens helped us out and made it as comfortable as it could possibly be. The first time I got to hold Deklyn against my chest was by far my favorite holding experience. He was so content and I felt like such a mom in that moment





#4 Being able to change his diaper and put clothes on  him. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be a blessing?? Up until the day Deklyn died I honestly loved changing his diaper and I really miss that part of being a mom. And who doesn't love baby clothes?? Seriously, my boy had to be the best dressed child in that hospital! I loved picking out his outfit for the day, and if that one got dirty? All the better, I got to pick another one! Lets just say, the few things I got to do with Deklyn that were normal I cherished and had such a blast doing. Not once did I wish I didn't have to change his diaper or get him a different outfit. I was actually really sad when he couldn't wear clothes when he was to sick to be moved.

#5 Seeing Deklyn's face for the first time. We didn't get the chance to do this till he was 5 months old. On May 17th 2012, Deklyn had a tracheostomy. A procedure we did not go into lightly. Looking back, this was the best decision we could have made for him and us even for seeing that he would pass away. Seeing his face, watching him move his tongue and lips. It was like seeing your child for the first time again. It was beautiful. From that day, he started a trend of learning how to do new things with his lips and mouth and I think it was the cutest thing ever!

#6 Being able to lift him by ourselves. I wasn't able to do this till he was about 6 months old, but when I got to I took off with it. Yes it was slightly scary  especially when he went through phases of turning blue when moved, but we got through it and I'm so glad we weren't scared to be his mommy and daddy. We got to lift him into his baths, lift him up to hold him and it was especially rewarding being able to lift him into his grandparents, aunties and uncles arms.

#7 Getting more independence with Deklyn. When we moved to PSCU when Deklyn was 7 months old we gained alot a freedom. He now had a room that was as close to homey as it gets in the hospital and the nursing staff trusted us to do most of his care. Moving there really made me feel like a parent. We started to get to play with him on the floor, put him in his stroller (not for rides but it was fun anyways), I started to really come into my role as his mommy. Deklyn, although he was always a happy baby suddenly became the happiest child I had ever met. I figured out what made him smile and how to make him laugh (although it couldn't be heard, it was still the cutest thing ever). I started to bounce and tickle him, it was just so awesome! Just a little more independence gave us so much with Deklyn and I am so grateful for that!

#8 Deklyn's 1st Birthday. Wow am I ever glad we got to experience this day with him. Although it was back in ICU, that day went amazingly. It was so fun and everything I had hoped for in a birthday party for him. I only wish everyone could have held him and seem him closer, but other than that I would not have changed one thing. The love we received from the hospital staff was incredible and we were so blessed! I can not stress enough how grateful I am that we got to have a 1st birthday party with the most amazing little boy I have ever met!




#9 Reading. Deklyn LOVED books. Seriously... this kid could look at books for days on end! It was so adorable! It was hard to get Deklyn to focus on things, but you pull out a book and he'll look at it and study those pages like you wouldn't believe. Reading to Deklyn will always be one of my favorite memorys. We did it when he was in my tummy, and I will never forget the first book we read to him. "Oh the places you'll go by Dr. Suess". I can only imagine the places hes going now. I remember when I was pregnant, as we'd read this story and you get to the end and it says "and will you succeed? Yes you will indeed. 98 3/4% guaranteed  Kid you'll move mountains." I would almost always start crying cause I knew our little guy had the biggest mountain I could even imagine. But I new God was going to help us move it.

#10 His 2nd Christmas. His 1st Christmas, honestly didn't feel like Christmas. But his 2nd we got to put up a Christmas tree and I even decorated a bit! It was so awesome! Giving him his presents he watched so intently as we unwrapped them and showed them to him. We played and just had an incredible day. Christmas eve was also a lot of fun! Luckily he was moved back to PSCU on Christmas eve so we got to be in his room with the christmas tree and presents. Deklyn lay on his mat on the floor all evening while we ate a special  christmas eve meal, played games and gave Deklyn his stocking. Such special memories I am so glad we got!

and sorry I need to do one more!

#11 Watching him learn & grow. It was amazing. By the end of his life he was starting to grab things! I would stick my finger in his chubby little hand and he would squeeze so tight! And those legs! Wow did those get long! Unbelievable! My amazing little boy, he truly did get so far! I honestly feel so lucky. I got to enjoy this amazing boy for 14 months. Yes it was hard. I feel like it took quite a few years off my life. But I will never take for granted all the joys and stresses of parenting.

Deklyn has taken my heart and made it 100% bigger, I have a heart for the hurting more than I ever have. Some times I do feel sorry for myself. Some times I do get over whelmed and feel like life is totally unfair and I absolutely hate that I can't have Deklyn with me. But I always lean on the promise of seeing him again. I am SO looking forward to the day where I get to meet my savoir, thank him for everything he did for me and than turn and see my beautiful boy running for me. What a day that will be!

2 Months of Missing Deklyn

 2 months ago we celebrated my sons life. A very short but incredible life. I feel as though I have lost something so incredibly important in my life and I guess that's acceptable because I did. I know every mom would feel like a huge piece of their life was missing if their child passed away. Not to say other mom's don't but I gave up a lot for Deklyn. I lived away from home and for the majority of the time apart from my husband. I lived in a pretty scary part of the city. I learnt things medically, things that were incredibly scary and hard to do. Things that nurses tell me they are most scared to do in their nursing career. So when Deklyn left, I think its fair to say 100% of my life was changed. I moved back home, got to see my husband everyday (this was of course a plus!), I no longer needed to think about saturation's  heart rates, secretions  changing trach ties, dressings and the trach its self. I no longer needed to talk with the doctors and nurses everyday or deal with some of the unpleasant parts of spending your entire day in the hospital. Before I had Deklyn I was terrified at the thought of having to possibly live a few weeks in the city by myself... I spent over a year in the city by myself and although it was hard. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I loved giving Deklyn his bath and then changing his trach ties and dressing. I loved giving his medicines, not so much the injection but he always handled it so well. Yes, I even enjoyed changing his diaper... I loved every part of my day with Deklyn no matter how scary, hard or gross it was.  Some times the easiest thing seems to be just to forget, not that you really can. But just push the thoughts of what you miss away. It can be incredibly over whelming thinking about how you really don't know how many days you have left until you get to see that beautiful face again. But at the same time, it makes me sad not to talk about him. If no one ever asked me about him, or ever mentioned his name it would make me very sad. He was a huge part of my life and to not talk about it just feels strange, any mom you know talks about their children like crazy! Probably 80% of their conversation is about their children so to not have that anymore is a struggle in its self.

I get so overwhelmed thinking about the months ahead... Mothers & Father days, our birthdays, signification dates in Deklyn's life... How in the world do you get through these days! With mothers day coming up, a part of me wants to just sleep through that whole day. I don't want to see all the other mom's cuddling their babies and enjoying their title as a mother. I know I am a mom, but feel as though I have nothing to prove for it. Its not like being engaged or married where you have a ring on your finger and everyone knows your married, there is nothing on me (besides my strech marks and c-section scar) that prove I am a mother. I know this day will always be hard. I know its hard for many people not just me, but this year I'd just rather not deal with it. But I know that is no way to live either. I am not the only one out there we has lost a child, or lost their only child for that matter. I guess its just hard when it seems like everyone around you has what your missing. For myself its a good reminder to keep telling myself I am not the only one going through this. 

On another note, my new job is going great! I'm actually enjoying working way more than I thought I would. I think part of it is just filling my old position of Deklyn's care giver. Being at work makes me feel useful and rather than sitting at home wishing I was taking care of Deklyn I'm doing something with my time and meeting new people. I love when kids come in, most people seem to think seeing kids would make me sad. Sometimes it does, but it doesn't make me not want to see kids. I just love making them feel special and giving them a little extra attention. I would have liked people to treat Deklyn like that, and in each child I talk to I see a piece of Deklyn.

I again want to thank all of you who are praying for us. As you can probably tell by my latest blogs, this is a really really hard time. I know it will get better, but right now the prayers, support and encouraging words just mean so much to us. Thank you so much! We have really been shown a true example of a Christ like love.

Deklyn and I, our first and last mothers day together here on earth. I miss you so much, and I wish I could have you in my arms for even one minute. I am so proud of you, and thank you for being my son. Love you always and forever!