2020 - This year just got a little more crazy

I feel like majority of the people in our lives will have heard the news already but I know there are a lot of people that have tried to stay connected to us though this very inactive blog. So I am here to update those of you who may not be connected to us in person or social media. 

We are adopting!!!

Crazy right?? It's a pretty unreal story with God's finger prints all over it. I am so in awe of his goodness and love for us. 

So here I'm going to share a piece of this unreal story with you.

When we got pregnant with Wyatt we knew he would be our last biological child no matter what. It had been close to a year after his death when we both agreed we wanted to adopt though Child and Family Services. We had done the adoption route before, chances aren't high of  a birth mother picking you and we just both felt why wouldn't we help these kids that are so in need of a loving and caring home. It meant letting go of a lot of dreams which I had already done but there were more to slowly loosen my grip on. This was a terrifying process but I kept remembering this life wasn't meant to be comfortable, it was meant to bring God glory and I was excited for this journey even though I was also so very scared for what it could look like.

Back at the end of March I awoke to a facebook message from a nurse who used to care for Deklyn. Her family has a very deep, beautiful connection to a family that was searching for a family that would be interested in adopting a baby and this nurse thought of us... After 7 years, she thought of us. I just can't get over that. My heart exploded for this baby immediately and seeing that this connection goes all the way back to Deklyn made and makes me so emotional. So as time has gone on we've been making a wonderful bond with this babies birth family and I am so looking forward to continuing it. Adoption is such a beautiful and heart breaking process. I can't imagine what birth mom and her family are going through as they watch her beautiful belly grow only to know they will be handing that baby off to another family to care for. I am so grateful for this family, they are so selfless, loving and kind.

We have also since found out that this beautiful baby is a boy! So to say we are excited is an understatement. This baby is loved by so many people, not just us but it's birth family and all the people who have stood by us through our toughest moments. Just as we've needed others in our lives for all of the things we were dealing with we need others again. I don't love asking for help, but I know people want to. If you are one of those people we have a way that you can help. A friend of ours set up a go fund me to help with adoption costs. Anything helps, and if you feel like you want to contribute to this you can do that here.

Thank you to all of you who have been by our side through so much. We can't wait to welcome our newest addition and we'll make sure to show his beautiful face on here when he is in our arms. 

Wyatt Part 4 - The last, but his story is not over

Wow... its been over a year since my last post with a promise to continue and hopefully complete Wyatt's story here. I promise I tried, but its been difficult to put into words the rest of that day. It's also hard to close that chapter. I know I've said that Wyatt has been difficult to share. I wanted to keep him to myself because when I've shared it, that's it. We had him for such a short time, far too short. But here I am, giving it another go because I know his story is meant to be told and not locked away just for me. 

So I ended off with our family in the room, getting to show him off, pray over him and watch as our family lovingly whispered into his ears and stroked his beautiful curly hair. He was not doing well and the doctor told us his organs would start failing soon. What do you do with these moments? If a miracle doesn't take place we are saying goodbye. Some of my memories are crystal clear while others feel a bit foggy, but I wish I had done more. My voice felt trapped and all I could say was "I'm so sorry" and "I love you". Maybe I said more, but that's all I remember. 

I held him as he died. It was an incredibly crushing moment. Deklyn's death hurt, but I was also so happy for him. I felt overwhelmed with this sense that he was perfect, whole and well. I could hold onto that. But God told us to have Wyatt. I spent the next year wrestling with that, which I will likely save for another post (who knows when at the rate I've been posting). Wyatt's death was much more traumatic than Deklyn's for me. A lot of things that we had to do and see were things I would never want to see anyone else experience.

We dressed him, wrapped him up, held him and tried to soak him in. We allowed family back in and they got to hold him. Can I just say how lucky we are to have family that wanted to be there and do these things? You may read this and say of course they would want to, but trust me. I've heard many stories of loss where family are not supportive and want to forget that the child was ever born. I feel extremely fortunate to have family and friends that care about all 3 of our boys. I know this is rare and we know we are so blessed.

Being in the hospital, having just had a baby with all the pains that come with that but no baby is horrible. We had some wonderful staff looking after me. I know Gods hand was in picking who would be there that day. We began texting friends and family to let them know our baby was born and was now in Heaven. That is a hard text to send. I'm sure it must have also been a hard text to receive and no way to know how to respond. Some of my friends asked questions and if I could send photos of him, that meant a lot.

The next day I was doing well physically, so my doctor allowed me to go home. I was so grateful to get out of there but my goodness was it horrible leaving. Moving forward, each step without Wyatt would be excruciating. Even though I was so ready to get home to my own space, that was another step without him. I knew the pain and the hurt that would lie ahead and that almost made it worse. Now we had to go and plan what we'd do about a funeral. 

The funeral part we did much different than Deklyn's and I won't get into all the details. But it was nice to have the people who had been walking with us come, see him and cry with us. We buried him ourselves which was something I hadn't wanted to do with Deklyn. It was amazing to see all the ones who wanted to help in the process.  Sheridan also spoke, and told everyone there that we would need help. It was such a brave thing to do and I don't think we even knew how much help we would end up needing.

Life after Wyatt got really tough. I already mentioned my struggle with why God would ask something like this of us. I had a lot of guilt about putting the people in our lives through something like this again as well as guilt of putting Wyatt through this.

For Christmas a friend of mine gave me the book Glimpses of Grace - Treasuring the Gospel in Your Home by Gloria Furman. In it she quotes another book "The gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ"

This is truly what I have been learning this last while. When we can look at our trials as pieces of our lives that can be used to glorify him, I look at all these shattered bits of my life laying around my feet and I hold them up to him and ask him to use it. God let your light shine through and use every part of me and my story.

To my Wyatt. I am so so proud of you. You came and did everything that God had planned for your short life. I miss you so much. My arms ache to hold you again, I wish I could see you, play with you and make you laugh. Thank you for refocusing my attention on what matters, helping me to live with an eternal mindset and getting me to dive so much deeper into knowing Jesus. I know that's what you would want and that is what you did my sweet boy. As much as this is all true it doesn't take away the pain of missing you everyday, we just have hope that we will see you again. Until I get to kiss that sweet face again and rub that head of curly hair I'll be missing and loving you with every breath, every heart beat and every word that comes from my mouth.

Wyatt's Story Part 3

I definitely intended for this story to be done by Wyatt's birthday. That day has come and gone but I'll continue to plug away at this! I appreciate those of you who are taking the time to get to know our little Wyatt through this story. It means the world to me!

Like I said in part 2, we really did have the most amazing team. They really gave us as much control as possible over the day our little guy would arrive. They gave us such helpful information and were on board for whatever we wanted to see happen. This time around was so different. We just had no idea what to expect with Deklyn and now although we still didn't know for sure, we had someone to compare Wyatt to to know if he was doing ok or not. So we made a plan. Basically we decided that we were going to see how he was doing when he was born, not super helpful for someone who likes to plan and know whats going to happen but by ultrasound it was just too hard to tell how his lungs were doing. His lungs were our main concern because that was Deklyn's greatest hurdle and eventually why he didn't survive. We were praying for him to be born completely whole, and if he wasn't we'd check him over and see how he was doing. If he was sick, but not as bad as Deklyn's case we would send him to the NICU and live day to day. If he seemed very sick, possibly worse off than Deklyn we decided most importantly we wanted time with him before he left us behind. Knowing all this our team would be able to help steer us the day of because obviously the day of it would be so hard to make decisions. I really didn't know then how incredibly helpful those hard conversations would be. It's odd to leave a meeting like that with such peace. But we did. I just knew all these people had our back. Our team agreed Wyatt's best chance was to be born early so we could start treatment as soon as possible we scheduled his birth to be at 36 weeks and I got steroid injections in hopes of helping his lungs.

March 7th, we woke up and made our way to the hospital. I wanted the day to be a good day, no matter what we were meeting our son. It took longer than we anticipated to get to HSC and for Sheridan to find parking but finally we got to where we needed to be and I was admitted. Everything moved super smoothly. We were scheduled for our c-section at 11 and it wasn't to far away from that when we were told they were ready for us. I had reached out to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and had picked a photographer off their list to take photos for us. This was a super hard step for me, but it was the best decision I made. She met us at the hospital and she is the reason I have so many photos of his birth and shortly after which I couldn't be more grateful for.

I walked into the OR, there were a few friendly faces waiting for me. They all assured me that we were in good hands and they were going to do everything they could to help our baby and make this go exactly how we wanted it to go. Still looking back I'm in aw of the compassion and love in that room. Maybe its because the day Deklyn was born I was just so excited and everyone I met seemed to be treating me like he had already died. I expected it to be similar this time I guess but I just genuinely felt like everyone there cared for us AND Wyatt. They were trying to make the situation as normal as possible. I sat on the table waiting for my spinal to be done, I was trying to hold back the tears but I just couldn't. I wish I could remember the name of the nurse who stood in front of me, rubbing my arms, wiping my tears and making sure I was ok. Letting me squeeze her hands as hard I could as they administered the spinal. She was the perfect nurse for me that day.

The day was here... the day I had spent months wondering how it would look was here and now I couldn't go back and enjoy the days we had. It had all gone so fast. They lay me down and Sheridan walked in and sat down beside me.

I closed my eyes, trying to think about other things than what was going on. Then I heard a splash, they broke my water. Not to long after I heard the one doctor talking to my son, in the sweetest voice she was welcoming him. I heard a few gurgle sounds, but no cry. They brought him over and I instantly cried "Oh, he's so cute!" I saw so much of Flynn. We commented on how we thought his arms looked longer than Deklyn's had. But he was laying there in Sheridan's arms, not breathing and turning a darker shade of purple every second. I was terrified. Sheridan reminded me to not think on whats to come, to just enjoy these moments with him because we didn't really know how much longer we'd get. They then took him back to the examining table, intubated him and looked him over.

The worst case senario was happening. We knew it, but we tried to hope that maybe things looked better than they seemed. The doctor told us his color was returning and that shortly they would bring him by again so we could look at him some more. Now feeling a little more calm that he wasn't dying right in front of me, I was able to talk to him and stoke the top of his head. I was trying so hard to be in the moment, look at him, memorize every detail just in case. I rubbed his head full of curly hair and whispered over and over "I'm so sorry".

The doctors came over again and told us that there really wasn't much more they could do for him. Bringing him over to the NICU wasn't going make him better and his organs would be starting to fail soon. Some people ask me if he was worse off than Deklyn. Honestly I think so but I can't say for sure. They may have thought the same thing of Deklyn when he was born. The difference was when Deklyn was born we had every intention of keeping him alive. Keeping him here so that we could see God work a miracle in him right in front of us. That was the plan. With Wyatt we were certainly still hopeful for that but we weren't going to put his little body through so much. If he was born and was so very sick we knew we'd be letting him go.

Our agreement in this case, the worst case, was that we were going to spend time as a family. They took Wyatt out of the room to clean him up a bit and give him some medication so he wouldn't be in pain and when they were finished up with me they wheeled me across the hall to an empty room. Sheridan went to go get Flynn, I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw me. I had been crying for who knows how long and I was lying flat in a bed wearing a weird out fit. He was scared. I told him I was ok and that we were going to meet his brother who we had been calling Baby Wy.

They wheeled Wyatt in and placed him in my arms. I couldn't believe this was happening. How did we get here? His tiny little body in my arms and respiratory therapist beside me keeping him alive this was not how this was supposed to go. How unfair to Flynn, this is how he meets his brother. There was lots of silence in that room, followed by whimpers and crying out and trying to keep it together back to silence. We showed Flynn his baby brother, Flynn was so excited for this day. He had been asking for weeks already when would the baby get here. He said he was so cute. He was calm but cautious and he definitely picked up on that something big was happening. Flynn has an incredible memory so we knew we'd want Wyatt to give him something special. Flynn loved cars at the time so we picked out a die cast Mater car to be from Wyatt. Flynn still remembers which is great and so special.

After awhile we allowed our family that was there into the room. No one got to hold him at this time, but they got to come beside me and look at him, touch him and tell him whatever they wanted to tell him. It was a heart wrenching but beautiful moment I feel so lucky that I got to see. People say we are amazing for giving them that time but I wouldn't have had it any other way. As much as I know it was a gift to them it was a gift to us to see them with him. We also got to share his name with everyone. I knew I wanted his name to be very special and meaningful and this is what we came up with.

Wyatt - Brave & Strong Warrior

Timothy - Honoring God (But also after his amazing Papa)

Cooper - Actually doesn't have a special meaning but Sheridan really liked it so we decided to sneak it in there. It means Barrel Maker.

More next time.

Wyatt's Story Part 2

So we know now that our baby appears to have HPP, just like Deklyn. But, we never saw Deklyn this early so we began to build on hope that maybe this baby would be better off than Deklyn. There were so many babies born with HPP in recent years that were doing pretty well with treatment. Maybe that would be this babies story if he wasn't completely healed. We continued going to fetal assessment to see how his bones were doing, HPP is degenerative so every time we went back we saw his bones getting worse. It was so hard.

I regret so much of my pregnancy. Not the pregnancy itself but how I spent it. Now while your reading this I'm sure your saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself" or "You did the best that you could". That may all be true, but I think whenever we lose someone we love we'll always look back and wish we had done things differently. I was so sad and felt so alone. At the time I didn't know of anyone who had been in shoes like mine. Someone who knew they had a 25% chance of having a sick baby and took the chance and the worst case happened. I felt guilty, I began to doubt my ability to hear God's voice and I was SO mad at myself for creating another sick baby. I never wanted another baby to go through what Deklyn did. I didn't want our family to go through what we went through again. All I could see was, if this baby was not healed on earth I wasn't sure how I could make it all work. How would I balance taking care of Flynn and this baby if this babies life looked a lot like Deklyn's. I truly believed Deklyn lived for as long as he did because I was able to be with him majority of the time. Now with Flynn how could I give this baby that and give Flynn what he needs and deserves? On top of all this I felt like mostly everyone around me didn't get it. They didn't seem to get the intense pressure I was under, the extreme guilt I was feeling and all I wanted was for this baby to be loved no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I know people loved him but I think it's hard for people to connect to a baby they can't see. Most of that happens when the baby is born, but I knew it was very possible that everyone in my life might not get to meet this sweet baby. I wanted him to be loved now, not when it was too late.

For the most part, I know everyone around me was just trying their best or what they thought was their best. Majority of the time in these scenarios people tend to say nothing rather than reach out because they don't want to say the wrong thing or didn't want to make me sad, but it left me feeling isolated. I reached out to a few that have been in similar shoes and found some comfort in that, but I was left running scenarios in my head, wondering what we would do in each one. I spent most nights crying out to God to change what was happening, to heal my precious son. I knew without a doubt he had the power to do it, but I was left wondering why was I so sure he had asked us to this? How could a loving God ask me to do this? I was wrestling with this. I told God that if the lady with the bleeding only needed to touch his clothes to be healed I could surely approach him in prayer and do the same for my son. If all I needed was faith as small as a mustard seed I surely had that. 

I didn't know how to plan for his birth because I wanted to believe that he would be ok, but I needed to prepare myself for if he wasn't, funny how now I know all the planning in the world would not prepare me for that moment. I needed to trust. Trust that no matter what God would have us. No matter if he would live or die God was still good and we'd make it through the storm with him guiding us. We naturally want to have control, to know the out come so we can prepare but that's just not how life works. There is great testimony in believing and seeing things change but even greater is the testimony of someone who doesn't see change but continues to praise and follow. How could I expect a perfect, unbroken life when Jesus promised us we would suffer. I still believed. I knew without a doubt that our baby could be healed here, but I had to know that if he wasn't I'd still trust that my God is good and that he cares for me. If there was one thing that was carrying me, it was that in the end he will make all things right. That was one truth I knew I could hold tight too.

I clung to this verse on those horrible days of waiting and wondering:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So looking back, I wish I hadn't focused so much on wanting to know what the end result would be. I wish I had put my energy into making memories with him rather than spending my days in tears anticipating what could come. I wish I could go back and make sure that everyday I told him I loved him, and cherished those little movements. I wish I could have put my fears aside and trusted that no matter what God would take care of us. I tried, I tried so hard but I wanted to control what would happen. People around me wanted to help control what would happen. I also don't want to make it sound like I didn't enjoy my pregnancy cause I did. I loved being pregnant, and we were so lucky to have Sheridan's family take us on a trip while I was pregnant. It's really special that he got to be apart of those memories. We had some really special moments and I feel really lucky that I got be with him for his entire life.

Then, before I knew it we were in the middle of February, had a date for his birth and were making plans with the most amazing team for his birth.

Wyatt's Story Part 1

I am finally ready. Ready to share Wyatt's whole story with all of you. As we come close to his birthday I am feeling like now is the time. I'm not sure how long this will take me, but I'm going to write it in chunks as I have time and have the ability. If you are reading this, know you are so lucky to hear about one of the sweetest boys who was ever here and is now with Jesus. Some of this will be familiar from other posts but I am going to start from the beginning as that's the only way I feel it makes sense.

So just a warning, these post may be hard to read. They are sad and they show the reality of what I was going through in my pregnancy with Wyatt. I'm not going to say everything I thought or did was right, but I will be honest and share with you exactly how it was and how it felt.

The start of Wyatt's Story

We had just moved to our new house, getting settled in and making it our own. I was so happy and loving this life on our acre yard that kinda feels like you are in the country but not. I'd been reading a book from a friend, Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I was trying to be very intentionally about spending time with God and really listening for him. So I would read some from the book, pray and read the Bible and listen out on my porch as Flynn would nap. One day as I was walking down the stairs in our home, I felt like I heard "You will be pregnant again, you will walk down these stairs pregnant". It was so clear. Personally, I would have loved to be pregnant again but Sheridan and I had agreed now that we had Flynn we just couldn't do anything to put our family through another story like Deklyn's. So I started to wonder, was this God or my head? For days I kept praying about this and I kept having the same thing come back "You will be pregnant again". I felt super silly doing it, but I prayed that if this was really from God and not just my head that God would tell Sheridan the same thing and he would come to me and tell me that he thinks we should have another baby. I figured this would be impossible because Sheridan was so against ever having another biological child. He just didn't want to see us go through that again.

We were currently in the process of starting up adoption stuff again and Sheridan said we should really decide what we are going to do next. So I asked him what he meant by that and he said "I feel like we are supposed to have another baby" WHAT?!?! I just could not believe it. I couldn't think of a time that my prayers had been answered so clearly and exactly the way I wanted. I told him what I had prayed and we just knew this was from God. We were so excited to be able to share this story of God showing up and truly revealing what he wanted for us. It was the perfect story.

August 2017, Wyatt was already here
but most people didn't know that yet.

It wasn't too long and we found out we were pregnant. We were excited, but I was also nervous. I never felt God tell me that our baby would be healthy, but it also kinda felt like a no-brainer... why would God tell us to have a sick baby? We were planning to tell our family at Flynn's 2nd birthday party and I was really hoping to have an ultrasound by then but we ended up telling our families early and my ultrasound was booked for the end of September. Our families have always been amazingly supportive. I was worried about putting them through all that pain again, but no one made me feel like they were concerned about that. Everyone was excited for this little baby that God's hand was so clearly upon. Even when we started telling friends we still hadn't had an ultrasound which at the time I didn't like. I wanted to be able to tell people we were pregnant and all was well. Now in hind sight, I'm glad it happened this way. That we were able to have the excitement of telling people another baby was on the way without it being tainted by "He's sick".

September 28th 2017, ultrasound day. I was excited but nervous. I went cautious, just in case but I really did believe all would be well. As she placed the wand on my stomach we saw him. Our little bean. I anxiously waited to see a long arm or leg stretch out. It wasn't happening. She moved the wand over so we could see the top of his head and that's when I saw two short arms. My heart sank. The tech was explaining what I already knew, "Here's the head, and here are the arms." "They are short right?" I said. "Yes they are." she replied. I burst into tears, uttering a few words I normally would try not say and was trying my best not to hyperventilate and have a complete break down right there in that room. The doctor came and told us what we already knew "I think we know what we are dealing with here due to your previous pregnancy" yes... yes... I know. 

I probably said and thought "I can't" a million times that day. 

I can't do this again, put our families through this again, put Flynn through this, carry a baby that I know will have such a hard life, bury another child, live in the hospital, take care of such a sick child and a healthy child, live with this crushing pain, believe this is real .... my list of can not's was endless. 

We had planned to have a fun date that day, well that kind of went out the window now but we had decided we'd still go to Costco. We wandered around, but buying things seemed pointless now. Nothing was going to ease this nightmarish pain. I remember waiting for Sheridan to get out of the bathroom and I stood there with my eyes fixed to the ground wiping my tears hoping no one would come ask if I was ok because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak. I began texting our family and a few friends to let them know things didn't look good, why did I have to do this? Why couldn't I be sharing that all was well? I was so mad, heartbroken and devastated.

This wasn't supposed to be our story. How could God ask us to do this? How could I trust that I really heard his voice? A million questions and fears were setting in and my brain didn't know how to process it. I felt so broken and betrayed. I had actually prayed that if this baby was going to have HPP that I would miscarry, now obviously I wouldn't have wanted it that way but in the moment looking forward looked so painful. Our options were 1, God would completely heal him and God would be given all the glory. 2, His case wouldn't be as bad as Deklyn's, my hope was that he'd be able to breath on his own or at least be stronger than Deklyn was at birth and have a better chance. Or 3, his condition would be similar or worse than Deklyn's and we'd have to decide if we want to go through treatment again or let him go.

The future looked unbelievably painful and I had no idea how to live through the pain when every moment I was awake was a reminder of what was to come. When I could hardly get through a book with Flynn without crying because I knew there was a chance I wouldn't ever get to read a book to this baby. That I may never to get to play with him, feed him and dress him. I had so many questions I felt like I needed answers for when now looking back I shouldn't have been so consumed with the "what if's".

Broken, But God is Still Good

I've tried to write many times since my last post, but I never want to force it. I want it to come naturally but I often feel like my thoughts are jumbled and come out making no sense. Today marks 6 months since Wyatt was born and died and I just felt the need to write. So I apologize in advance if this makes no sense. Grief has done a number on my brain which I'll maybe make time for on another post.

This life is so hard. Unbelievably hard. If I'm being completely honest, for the most part I turn the part of my brain that remembers everything that happened off so that I don't turn into a complete mess, can still live life and take care of Flynn. I miss my boys. Deklyn would have been either in grade 1 or 2 this year... seeing as he was a December baby we would have been able to pick which year he would have started. Seeing all the photos of kids off to school is hard. I can't help but think that his class is really missing out. I wish his teacher knew she/he was missing out on an amazing kid being in their class. Wyatt... I can only imagine how cute and cuddly he'd be right now. I'm sure I'd be exhausted and a complete mess but unreal happy. Sometimes I just picture myself holding him, playing with his beautiful curls but that dream is always rudely awakened with a picture of his grave. Flynn turned 3 this past weekend and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't truly know what its like to have a brother. He talks about his brothers, that he loves them and that when he's bigger he'll get to give them a kiss. I'm so sorry that he'll have to explain that he has brother's but they aren't here. The looks and comments he might have to deal with, I'm so sorry and I pray that he'll have so much grace for those that don't understand and that he won't be afraid to talk about them.

Oh how I miss my boys. I wish I could take my whole pregnancy with Wyatt back. I'd do it all over again, just to feel him and spend that time with him. Make sure he felt as loved as he was. It's not fair. This life is not fair. But God didn't promise us fair. We actually have been promised that this life will be hard, and to count it all joy when we face trials. I pray that God can and will use my story, I pray that God will set my eyes on things above and that I would not focus on gathering up earthly treasures. I pray that he will guide my steps and show me where he wants our family to go. I pray that he holds my broken heart while it feels to heavy to carry. I thank him, for I know he is good. I know that he cares for me and I know I can trust him. In spite of all this, my heart is still shattered. My life is in pieces. But as I kneel before him and show him each piece I know he will slowly show me how to put them back together. 

I will never be the same, and that's ok. I will always miss my boys and I want to. Thank you to the people in our lives who continue to show they care with words and action. You have no idea how much those words and actions have meant to us. We need them. Even now, 5.5 years after Deklyn's death and 6 months since Wyatt's. I'm great at looking like I've got this all figured out, but I promise you I don't. I don't think it would be possible for someone to have life figured out, no matter what it is you are facing. 

Something that I have found super helpful is connecting with other mom's who have lost. If you don't have someone in your corner who you feel you can talk to about your babies I promise you I will. I would love to. If you've lost a baby, feel free to leave their name and any other information you'd like about them in comments here. Our babies deserve to remembered and I'd love to remember them with you.

Wyatt - Brave in War

It's crazy to think I should have a baby in my arms right now.

Our sweet baby boy was born March 7th at 11:41am weighing 4 pounds 11 oz and 13" long. His name is Wyatt Timothy Cooper Sawatzky.

He is so perfect and so beautiful. He has the best hair out of all my kids and the cutest little nose and lips. When ever I think about him the word "sweet" always comes to mind. I feel like I hardly got a chance to know him but I know that he is so very sweet. I think if I had the chance to watch him grow up, sweetness would have been a big part of his personality.

We chose the name Wyatt, one because we liked it and two because the meaning Brave in War seemed so fitting for him and what he was going through. He is our brave little fighter... so very brave.

I had no idea my heart could make room for so much more love until I saw him. We honestly had the most amazing team with us that day and I am so thankful for each and every person that was put in that room with us. Before the surgery was to start I sat on the table with my legs shaking and tears streaming down my face, everyone in the room took the time to assure me that they were all going to do there very best and a few of them took the time to tell me they were praying. They all showed me that they cared deeply for us and this boy that we were all about to meet. Our focus that day was time as a family and although I will always wish that that time could have been longer, I am so thankful for what we got. 

I am not fully ready to share the whole story of that day on here, but I did want to share that he was born and is now home with his brother Deklyn. 

We got to hold him, kiss him and watch Flynn love on him before we said see you later which I am so grateful for. I can only describe this time as what feels like having the wind knocked out of you. We believed things would be different and it feels horribly confusing when we know we did what God asked us to do. But we continue to believe, trust, love and hold onto God. He's the only one who I know can get us through this and even if its with the last bit of strength I have I will hold on to him for dear life.

Thank you to all of you who have been supporting us. We are so very grateful and we need it so much.
If any of you want to make a donation in Deklyn & Wyatt's name to Deklyn's fund (all proceeds go to continued research for HPP) follow the link at the top right hand corner of this blog and select donate now.