2020 - This year just got a little more crazy

I feel like majority of the people in our lives will have heard the news already but I know there are a lot of people that have tried to stay connected to us though this very inactive blog. So I am here to update those of you who may not be connected to us in person or social media. 

We are adopting!!!

Crazy right?? It's a pretty unreal story with God's finger prints all over it. I am so in awe of his goodness and love for us. 

So here I'm going to share a piece of this unreal story with you.

When we got pregnant with Wyatt we knew he would be our last biological child no matter what. It had been close to a year after his death when we both agreed we wanted to adopt though Child and Family Services. We had done the adoption route before, chances aren't high of  a birth mother picking you and we just both felt why wouldn't we help these kids that are so in need of a loving and caring home. It meant letting go of a lot of dreams which I had already done but there were more to slowly loosen my grip on. This was a terrifying process but I kept remembering this life wasn't meant to be comfortable, it was meant to bring God glory and I was excited for this journey even though I was also so very scared for what it could look like.

Back at the end of March I awoke to a facebook message from a nurse who used to care for Deklyn. Her family has a very deep, beautiful connection to a family that was searching for a family that would be interested in adopting a baby and this nurse thought of us... After 7 years, she thought of us. I just can't get over that. My heart exploded for this baby immediately and seeing that this connection goes all the way back to Deklyn made and makes me so emotional. So as time has gone on we've been making a wonderful bond with this babies birth family and I am so looking forward to continuing it. Adoption is such a beautiful and heart breaking process. I can't imagine what birth mom and her family are going through as they watch her beautiful belly grow only to know they will be handing that baby off to another family to care for. I am so grateful for this family, they are so selfless, loving and kind.

We have also since found out that this beautiful baby is a boy! So to say we are excited is an understatement. This baby is loved by so many people, not just us but it's birth family and all the people who have stood by us through our toughest moments. Just as we've needed others in our lives for all of the things we were dealing with we need others again. I don't love asking for help, but I know people want to. If you are one of those people we have a way that you can help. A friend of ours set up a go fund me to help with adoption costs. Anything helps, and if you feel like you want to contribute to this you can do that here.

Thank you to all of you who have been by our side through so much. We can't wait to welcome our newest addition and we'll make sure to show his beautiful face on here when he is in our arms. 

Wyatt Part 4 - The last, but his story is not over

Wow... its been over a year since my last post with a promise to continue and hopefully complete Wyatt's story here. I promise I tried, but its been difficult to put into words the rest of that day. It's also hard to close that chapter. I know I've said that Wyatt has been difficult to share. I wanted to keep him to myself because when I've shared it, that's it. We had him for such a short time, far too short. But here I am, giving it another go because I know his story is meant to be told and not locked away just for me. 

So I ended off with our family in the room, getting to show him off, pray over him and watch as our family lovingly whispered into his ears and stroked his beautiful curly hair. He was not doing well and the doctor told us his organs would start failing soon. What do you do with these moments? If a miracle doesn't take place we are saying goodbye. Some of my memories are crystal clear while others feel a bit foggy, but I wish I had done more. My voice felt trapped and all I could say was "I'm so sorry" and "I love you". Maybe I said more, but that's all I remember. 

I held him as he died. It was an incredibly crushing moment. Deklyn's death hurt, but I was also so happy for him. I felt overwhelmed with this sense that he was perfect, whole and well. I could hold onto that. But God told us to have Wyatt. I spent the next year wrestling with that, which I will likely save for another post (who knows when at the rate I've been posting). Wyatt's death was much more traumatic than Deklyn's for me. A lot of things that we had to do and see were things I would never want to see anyone else experience.

We dressed him, wrapped him up, held him and tried to soak him in. We allowed family back in and they got to hold him. Can I just say how lucky we are to have family that wanted to be there and do these things? You may read this and say of course they would want to, but trust me. I've heard many stories of loss where family are not supportive and want to forget that the child was ever born. I feel extremely fortunate to have family and friends that care about all 3 of our boys. I know this is rare and we know we are so blessed.

Being in the hospital, having just had a baby with all the pains that come with that but no baby is horrible. We had some wonderful staff looking after me. I know Gods hand was in picking who would be there that day. We began texting friends and family to let them know our baby was born and was now in Heaven. That is a hard text to send. I'm sure it must have also been a hard text to receive and no way to know how to respond. Some of my friends asked questions and if I could send photos of him, that meant a lot.

The next day I was doing well physically, so my doctor allowed me to go home. I was so grateful to get out of there but my goodness was it horrible leaving. Moving forward, each step without Wyatt would be excruciating. Even though I was so ready to get home to my own space, that was another step without him. I knew the pain and the hurt that would lie ahead and that almost made it worse. Now we had to go and plan what we'd do about a funeral. 

The funeral part we did much different than Deklyn's and I won't get into all the details. But it was nice to have the people who had been walking with us come, see him and cry with us. We buried him ourselves which was something I hadn't wanted to do with Deklyn. It was amazing to see all the ones who wanted to help in the process.  Sheridan also spoke, and told everyone there that we would need help. It was such a brave thing to do and I don't think we even knew how much help we would end up needing.

Life after Wyatt got really tough. I already mentioned my struggle with why God would ask something like this of us. I had a lot of guilt about putting the people in our lives through something like this again as well as guilt of putting Wyatt through this.

For Christmas a friend of mine gave me the book Glimpses of Grace - Treasuring the Gospel in Your Home by Gloria Furman. In it she quotes another book "The gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ"

This is truly what I have been learning this last while. When we can look at our trials as pieces of our lives that can be used to glorify him, I look at all these shattered bits of my life laying around my feet and I hold them up to him and ask him to use it. God let your light shine through and use every part of me and my story.

To my Wyatt. I am so so proud of you. You came and did everything that God had planned for your short life. I miss you so much. My arms ache to hold you again, I wish I could see you, play with you and make you laugh. Thank you for refocusing my attention on what matters, helping me to live with an eternal mindset and getting me to dive so much deeper into knowing Jesus. I know that's what you would want and that is what you did my sweet boy. As much as this is all true it doesn't take away the pain of missing you everyday, we just have hope that we will see you again. Until I get to kiss that sweet face again and rub that head of curly hair I'll be missing and loving you with every breath, every heart beat and every word that comes from my mouth.