Deklyn's 2nd Birthday Bash

Friday was our incredibly baby boys 2nd birthday, the day went much better than I expected. We had a big party with our family and some friends, we made lots of food and just enjoyed each others company. I had a really hard time deciding what to do for Deklyn... singing Happy Birthday seemed like it would be too hard, but in the end we decided on having a cake for him and Sheridan and myself sent away a lantern by his grave before the party. 

I kept pretty busy through out the day which really helped me not to get caught up in being sad that he wasn't here on his birthday. I have a few people that I want to say thank you to, first off to my sister in-law Brooklyn, thank you for coming over... I think I would have been pretty sad had I not had you there with me. Thank you to Brooklyn and Pam for making such an awesome cake, I'm sure Deklyn loved it! Thank you to my mom for the beautiful arrangement. Thank you to everyone who made it to the party, it made our day so much easier and it just helped us to see how many people love Deklyn and still think of him and us. Thank you to anyone who took the time to let me know they were thinking of me, either in person, text or e-mail. A huge thank you to my brother in-law Madison.. going to Deklyn's grave and seeing it shoveled so that we could see the stake meant more than I think anyone could imagine... Also thank you to Tim & Pam for bringing the balloon to his grave, and who ever wrote "I Love You Deklyn" in the snow by his grave... thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do for someone on the birthday of their child who has passed away.. a few people brought us gifts and each one of them will be treasured forever.. thank you to each one of you who brought us something.. each gift was so thoughtful and made us feel so loved.

I felt I needed to have some kind of tradition for Deklyn's birthday that we can keep up with our future kids. I searched the internet to come up with ideas and couldn't find anything I really liked... in the end we decided to always send off a lantern for him, I wish we could do balloons but in the winter balloons won't lift. We also decided to use the money that we would normal spend on him for his birthday and give it to either a charity, a family in need, or use it just to do something nice for some one else. These things have really helped me to get through his birthday.

I am so incredibly grateful for the time I had with Deklyn... I am so happy that I got to experience one birthday with him... I feel so blessed that I got 2 Christmas's with him...  I really am so incredibly lucky. 

During this Christmas season, try to remember those around you. Its so easy to get caught up with your self and your family, but there are so many people hurting all around us. I encourage you to see what you can do for some one else this season, bring a smile to someone's face and make them feel loved and thought of. This goes for myself as well, its very easy for me to think only about myself and my family as this is our first Christmas with out our Deklyn, but we are not the only ones hurting and often it helps to heal our own hearts when we help others. 

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, thank you so much for your support and encouragement this past year. We have felt so much love and support. We are hoping that next year we will be able to introduce you all to a new sibling for Deklyn, but we will see what 2014 brings for us. God is good all the time and we know that he is always for us. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support!

Dear Deklyn

Deklyn,

I miss you so much, but I am so glad that you don't miss me. We are 1 month away from your 2nd birthday, I can only imagine what your birthday party is going to be like in heaven. I wish I could plan a party for you like I did last year, that was so much fun! Even though you were back in Intensive Care, we had such a great time. You got spoiled with so many presents and I'll never forget the amazing memories we made that day. We are going to have a party for you here, to celebrate you and your amazing life. Its hard to do these things with out you, but it would be even harder to not have a party at all. 

Daddy and I talk about you a lot. We joke that you have your own circus up in heaven, that you've got all these animals trained to do anything that you want. We talk about how you and Cash go for tractor rides and play together. We wonder what Uncle Grant has all shown you and we are sure he must be telling you stories about Daddy from when he was a little boy. We feel jealous that you've met daddy's sister, I'm sure she's being an amazing auntie to you and spoling you enough for all your auntie's left behind.

 I wonder how big you are now... I'm so sad that I don't get to see you grow. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine you calling me, I can't wait to hear your beautiful voice when I get to heaven.When ever I sing, I feel you watching me. I think you like my singing and are proud of me when I praise God with my voice. I imagine you singing the words with me.

I try my best not to get sad when I see other kids with their mommys. I know I'm going to get to be with you soon, but its still hard for me. I tried my best to take care of you, I had so much fun being a mommy. Some times I find myself asking why... The other day I looked into your room and thought I really should clean it up a bit.. so I started taking things from the closet and re organizing.... and I came across some of your blankets. Your blankets were a big part of your life, clothes you didn't always get to wear and your toys didn't always get played with, but you were always on one of your blankets. I started to cry, and I got mad that I could wrap you up in one, that I couldn't see you smile when you looked at your favorite ones... But I remember, we were never promised an easy life. God never promised to rescue us from every horrible thing that happens to us here on earth. His promise is eternal life to those that follow him. I have held on to my faith like I never have before because of you Deklyn. You've made me a better person in every way possible and a better Christian. Heaven holds a whole new meaning when someone you love is there.

Deklyn, I am so very proud to be your mommy. Even though I am so sad that you are not here, especially for your birthday and Christmas... I am so glad I had you for the time that I did. You taught me so much and I hope I never forgot the lessons I've learned through you.

Some one that I meant through all this, and has also lost her own son said this and I think it is so perfect.
 In the worst of the storm, when I had all but given in, peace found me, the kind that passes all understanding, and it knew right where I was. It didn't change the circumstances, but it changed my heart, which changed it all.

I'll see you soon Buddy, I love you with all my heart.

Love, Your Mommy

Deklyn's Fund & Adoption Update

I have some pretty awesome news! I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has donated to the Deklyn Sawatzky Endowment Fund, we have reached our first initial goal of $10,000!! I can't believe it! In under 4 months we raised $10,000!  $10,000 was our first goal because after there is that amount in the fund the interest created goes towards research for Hypophosphatsia! We will obviously continue to raise money. I want them to have as much money as possible for research but now at least we have made it to the point where the fund is making a difference! I feel so proud to be able to carry on my son's name through this fund. Its one of the only things I have left that is a piece of my son that is active and it makes me so happy to be able to carry this out. My goal is to see no child die from HPP, I'm sure that one day I will be able to hear about a child who was just like Deklyn and hear how he's doing so amazing and getting to do all the things that Deklyn didn't get to do. That will probably make me sad that Deklyn didn't get that chance... but he got more then most of the children who came before him! Some HPP kids only had that moment in their parents arms right after they were born and some I'm sure are lost in miscarriage.

I want to ask for prayer as we continue down the road of adoption. Prayer for peace and patience for us and also prayer for our child and the birth mother of that child. We are excited and can't wait to have a baby in our home but at the same time try not to be too excited because we have no idea how long it could take or if we will ever be picked. It's a very helpless feeling. We love being parents, and we can't wait to be able to act like parents again. I'm excited for our families... although we will never forget Deklyn and he will be a very real part of our lives forever, I think us having a child through adoption will bring a lot of healing to our whole family especially on my side. Deklyn was the only grand baby and nephew, and there is a very obvious void when we get together where as on my husband's side there are 2 very crazy and lovable grand babies that I feel helps the void of Deklyn not being their become just a bit more bare-able. I know everyone misses him like crazy and that won't stop, but I know as more kids join the family and the date of his death moves further behind us it will become easier and their will be less hard days for everyone. Of course I don't want a child for the reason of helping everyone to heal from Deklyn's death, I want a child because I love being a parent and for the exact same reason we decided to start a family when we had Deklyn.

A few weekends ago we went to a mandatory weekend long seminar for perspective adopt parents. I'll be completely honest, when we started this whole adoption process I was very upset. For us, getting pregnant was easy and adoption looked so hard. I was mad that we had to make the responsible choice for our family and decide not to get pregnant because of the risk of having more children like Deklyn and not wanting to put a child or our families through that again. I kept thinking, even if we did have another child like Deklyn of course I would love him/her... I would do everything I did for Deklyn again in a heartbeat... but I know if we went through that again we would have a lot of guilt and it would be that much harder watching that baby experience the things Deklyn had to experience knowing that we could have prevented it. Everyone has their own reasons for why they decide to have kids or not when knowing the risks and for us right now even though for me it has been a very hard decision we know that this is the choice we want for our family. I know quite a few families who have decided to have kids knowing the risks and I am not trying to say that they shouldn't have done that. This is just want feels right for us. For me deciding to adopt was a bit of a grieving process and I can't really say I'm done grieving but I am a thousand times more excited about it now then I was when we first started discussing it. There are so many things you have to do when you decide to adopt and it feels unfair... and I guess in some ways it is, but I've totally gotten over it. This is the path our family is taking to have children in our home and that is just the way it is.. being upset isn't going to change it and I have seriously come to the point where I am just so excited about it and can't wait to hear that a birth mom has picked us to be her baby's parents!

Again I just want to thank all of you who have been supporting us with prayer and donating to Deklyn's Fund, it means so much to us! Thank you to all of you who continue to talk about Deklyn and tell us how much he has impacted you, it makes us so happy!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support! Sorry that I don't post to often anymore but I promise to keep you updated on Deklyn's Foundation and our whole adoption process.

Where I Am Today...

Well, its been awhile since my last post and I know people are wondering how we are doing.  I'm sorry if this post seems to be a little more on the sad side, I try my best to be positive but I also want to be as real and honest as I can and this is just one of those posts showing how it really is and I am terribly sorry if any of this offends anyone. Its been 5 months now since I saw my little boy alive and I can say its not getting easier. Honestly it feels like its getting harder. Shortly after Deklyn died everyone was talking about him, people from all over were telling me how amazing Deklyn was and how he impacted their lives. I still get that from time to time but it has slowed down greatly. Deklyn's name doesn't get mentioned nearly as often as it used to, which I understand is normal but as a mom its hard. All moms love to brag and talk about their kids. I still love to talk about him but I know for some people its not a very comfortable subject. People like to talk about what is new, and we obviously don't have anything new to say about him. I'm honestly having a very hard time, I know most people wouldn't guess that by looking at me. I very easily pull on my happy face, that is just who I am in almost all situations. As of right now, I honestly still can not believe this has happened to us. It feels like at any moment I could wake up and all this was a dream. I get a big wake up call anytime I go to Deklyn's grave. This is always where it hits me hard, I stare at that little stake in disbelief... my babies body is seriously under the ground... that is my beautiful babies name on that stake. Its almost like how I was in shock after we found out something was wrong. This just can not be, this has to be a dream.

Almost every night before I fall asleep I relive Deklyn's death. It was such a sad moment in our lives and obviously very traumatic. But when I can't stop thinking about it, I try and focus on my favorite part of that horrible day, the moment Deklyn was in my arms hooked up to absolutely nothing for the very first time in his life, on earth and in heaven. The moment I had longed for for over a year, it was here but not in the way I had anticipated. The monitors were turned off, there were no machines beeping, it was just me, sheridan and our beautiful son. Looking back I wish I had held him longer, but right then it felt pointless... he wasn't in that body anymore. I just love thinking that the moment I held Deklyn the way I had always wanted, he was doing everything I wanted him to be able to do in that exact same moment. While I was looking at his amazing little face, he was looking into the eyes of Jesus and I hope Jesus told him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him.

But thats enough sad talk, I'll move on to something a little more exciting.

Sheridan and I have embarked on a new journey in our lives. Its again not an easy road, but will hopefully have great reward at the end. We have officially started the process to adopt. I don't like to talk about it too much because it is so uncertain, and I don't want to get excited about something that may never happen. We are going a route where a mom who is pregnant or has just had a baby here in manitoba and wants to give her child up for adoption has to pick us... so nothing is for sure, we may never get picked but I sure hope we do. Adoption is SO much more complicated than people think. When I begin to explain the whole process to other people they are just shocked. TV shows and movies have definitely made adoption look much easier than it really is. We are not approved for adoption yet, its quite a process but we are on our way. So thats that! We are on our way to having our family, I don't think things will ever be 'normal' for our family. We will always be missing one person at the table, there will always be one person I wish was with us where ever we are. But I can't change that and we have to move on. I know we can't wait to be over Deklyn to make this step, because we will never be over him. I will always miss him like crazy, but I know I want to be a mommy, and I have always had it so strong in me to have kids.. we both love kids so much and we just can't see our home with out a child for much longer. So through this route we could have a child in our arms a year from now or 10 years from now. Either way we are excited to have another baby in our lives and be able to be parents again. If you would like to pray with us in this, please pray for the mom who will be choosing us, and our future child.

I want to thank everyone who has made a donation to Deklyn's Endowment Fund. It really means so much to us, and this is just one way we can continue to have Deklyn in our lives. Thank you for all your love and support on this journey we have been on. It's not easy as you can see, but it helps to have the amazing family and friends that we do that keep Deklyn's name alive and remind us that he is not forgotten.

Deklyn's Daddy Is My Hero

 Fathers are amazing.They have a strength that I don't think gets the proper recognition Especially in situations that are not ideal, I feel like the fathers don't get enough credit. Deklyn has the most amazing daddy I could ever pick for him. He is the strongest man I have ever met and I can't believe after all he has been through he is still so strong.

When Sheridan and I first found out something was wrong, I felt like I was in the worst situation possible. I remember sitting and looking at the doctor as he told us "Something is very wrong with your baby" I felt completely numb, I looked over at my husband who was holding my hand. He bent over closer to me and instantly said "Its going to be ok, God will heal him" now this was not my first thought. But in that moment, Sheridan changed everything. I went from complete fear, to hope. That is a man of God.

Deklyn was born, Sheridan was exhausted! He had been up for 2 whole days but he continued to take care of me and continued to speak positively into our situation. I had a c-section so I needed lots of help getting out of bed and into a wheel chair. He was with me every step of the way and took all of my complaining! Sheridan took a little over a month off of work to be with Deklyn and I, but eventually we would need money to be coming in. As the head of the home, Sheridan took this responsibility very seriously. At the time, I was feeling sorry for myself. I was the one who had to stay in the city by myself, eat by myself and sit by Deklyns bed all day long by myself. One day I was pretty sick, as I shouldn't have been with Deklyn during that time anyways I decided to go home with Sheridan for a night to get some rest. That day at home was the worst! I missed Deklyn so much and just wanted to get back. After that I tired not to complain about Sheridan having to leave because I knew that it was most likely harder on him than it was on me. He would come to Winnipeg Thursday evening and leave Sunday night. He spent Monday to Thursday all by himself, worrying about me and Deklyn.

All through Deklyn's life we were continually believing we would see healing in Deklyn. Sheridan never let me think other wise. The night before Deklyn passed away Sheridan and I both took turns holding him. It was so hard, as we both knew it was going to be soon unless something major happened. As I was holding Deklyn, tears streaming down my face Sheridan said "He can still receive his healing" what an amazing man.
The day Deklyn passed away, I was sitting on the couch in the room and Sheridan was laying beside him the big bed they had moved Deklyn to. As his heart rate slowly dropped and we realized what was happening, the nurses turned off his machines as we stood by his side. I honestly had no words, I don't think I even told him I loved him in those last minutes. But what came out of Sheridans mouth? "In Jesus name you are healed Buddy" wow... He continually amazed me, even in the moment we lost our son.

Since Deklyn has passed away, Sheridan has had to be incredible strong. Firstly he has to try and get back to regular life as quick as possible so that we can have money coming in, then he has to take care of me who misses Deklyn so much she can hardly function, and than some how he needs to take care of himself. Its hard seeing other families playing with their kids, its hard seeing our niece and nephew and wishing so badly that they could know Deklyn and play with him too... Its hard while everyone continues to go on, we are stuck. People slowly stop talking about him and move on while we don't know where to go. Its just plain hard.

I don't know what you think you would do, but for me seeing my son go through so much was very hard. I had plenty of opportunity to be negative and I did struggle with that. I know Sheridan struggled too, but as the man of the house and as a father  I can not say enough how amazing he has been. He has always put God first and in every decision we had to make he has always made me so proud.

Sheridan, you are the most amazing father. You have made me so incredibly proud. The way you played with Deklyn, the way you held him, talked to him and prayed for him. You are the most admirable father I have ever seen. I know sometimes your jokes are covering up the hurt, and that's ok. I want you to know, I know you did everything you could to help me and our little boy. You are more of a father than I have seen in anyone I know. I know sometimes you feel like you have failed and I know sometimes you are hurting more than you let on, but trust me when I say that you did not fail. You have done your job as head of the home, and no one could have done it better than you. Deklyn and I love you so incredibly much. I know that he can't wait to have his first game of paint ball with you in heaven. He's watching you as you build the car that I know you so wish he could sit in with you. I wish he could too. Please never forget that you are the most amazing father Deklyn could have and you are so incredibly loved by him and me.
Happy Fathers Day to the most deserving, incredible and amazing Daddy. You are my hero, and I know you are Deklyn's as well.

Deklyn Sawatzky Endowment Fund

Deklyn Sawatzky Endowment Fund is officially set up!

Here are the ways you can donate!

You can visit our Fundraising Web Page to Donate Online Here

You can call 204-787-4000 

or

You can write out a cheque and mail it to Childrens Hospital Foundation of Manitoba

The cheque needs to be written out to Childrens Hospital Foundation of Manitoba

In the memo write: "Deklyn Sawatzky Endowment Fund"

The cheque can than be mailed to

CE501-840 Sherbrook Street

Winnipeg, MB R3A 1S1

All donations go towards research for Hypophosphatasia

Thank you so much for your donation. Our hope with this fund is that we will change the lives of children with HPP. We hope no child will ever die because of this disease again. We feel so blessed that we are able to do this in Deklyn's name and we know he would have loved to help other children.

Beautiful Memories

My recent posts have been on the sadder side, just missing Deklyn and trying to go on with out him has become really difficult. I don't really have much to say this post, but I wanted it to be a happy one, so I decided to write about my top ten moments with Deklyn (if i can even narrow it down to 10!)

Starting from the beginning of his life.

#1 My first cherished moment would be my whole pregnancy. I loved ever second of it. 

When Sheridan and I decided to start a family, it happened much faster than I had expected. I was hoping it wouldn't take to long but was prepared for it to talk a few months or even a year. In the beginning of April 2011 I was way to impatient to wait and see if I missed my period so I bought a test. I decided to just leave it in the bathroom for a bit before looking at it but Sheridan went to look. I asked for the results and he said "nope, not pregnant" I took a good long look at it... he was right. But i couldn't stop looking at it.. the longer I looked the more sure I became that there was the faintest line you could ever see... after a while I had Sheridan convinced there was a line and sure enough that faint little line was proof our little Deklyn was on the way. Besides the terrible acne pregnancy gave me, I loved every part! I loved the movement in my tummy, I loved how round I was, I just can't say enough how much I enjoyed it.

#2 My next favorite moment was seeing Deklyn for the first time/ our first day with him. Although to an outsider this day would have seemed terrifying and horrible, for me it was such a joyous day. After months of being told my son would die at or before birth, he was here and alive. I loved looking at his little body and touching his hand and his head. His hair was curly just like his daddy's  I joked that he did the one thing I asked besides being healthy and that was that'd he'd have his daddy's hair. We got to show off our brand new baby boy to our family and I was just so proud of him.

#3 Our very first time holding Deklyn. Now this was not an ordinary "first time holding your child" experience  but it was wonderful and such a blessing. Sheridan got to hold him first at 4 weeks old. It was a surprise as we really weren't told we could hold him yet but they wanted to get him a new incubator so he needed to be some where while they made the switch. Deklyn did so well, and seemed to enjoy it so they told us we could do it more often. It was quite the procedure though. He had to stay on his thick mattress and all his lines, tubes and hoses were quite a mess, but the amazing staff at childrens helped us out and made it as comfortable as it could possibly be. The first time I got to hold Deklyn against my chest was by far my favorite holding experience. He was so content and I felt like such a mom in that moment





#4 Being able to change his diaper and put clothes on  him. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be a blessing?? Up until the day Deklyn died I honestly loved changing his diaper and I really miss that part of being a mom. And who doesn't love baby clothes?? Seriously, my boy had to be the best dressed child in that hospital! I loved picking out his outfit for the day, and if that one got dirty? All the better, I got to pick another one! Lets just say, the few things I got to do with Deklyn that were normal I cherished and had such a blast doing. Not once did I wish I didn't have to change his diaper or get him a different outfit. I was actually really sad when he couldn't wear clothes when he was to sick to be moved.

#5 Seeing Deklyn's face for the first time. We didn't get the chance to do this till he was 5 months old. On May 17th 2012, Deklyn had a tracheostomy. A procedure we did not go into lightly. Looking back, this was the best decision we could have made for him and us even for seeing that he would pass away. Seeing his face, watching him move his tongue and lips. It was like seeing your child for the first time again. It was beautiful. From that day, he started a trend of learning how to do new things with his lips and mouth and I think it was the cutest thing ever!

#6 Being able to lift him by ourselves. I wasn't able to do this till he was about 6 months old, but when I got to I took off with it. Yes it was slightly scary  especially when he went through phases of turning blue when moved, but we got through it and I'm so glad we weren't scared to be his mommy and daddy. We got to lift him into his baths, lift him up to hold him and it was especially rewarding being able to lift him into his grandparents, aunties and uncles arms.

#7 Getting more independence with Deklyn. When we moved to PSCU when Deklyn was 7 months old we gained alot a freedom. He now had a room that was as close to homey as it gets in the hospital and the nursing staff trusted us to do most of his care. Moving there really made me feel like a parent. We started to get to play with him on the floor, put him in his stroller (not for rides but it was fun anyways), I started to really come into my role as his mommy. Deklyn, although he was always a happy baby suddenly became the happiest child I had ever met. I figured out what made him smile and how to make him laugh (although it couldn't be heard, it was still the cutest thing ever). I started to bounce and tickle him, it was just so awesome! Just a little more independence gave us so much with Deklyn and I am so grateful for that!

#8 Deklyn's 1st Birthday. Wow am I ever glad we got to experience this day with him. Although it was back in ICU, that day went amazingly. It was so fun and everything I had hoped for in a birthday party for him. I only wish everyone could have held him and seem him closer, but other than that I would not have changed one thing. The love we received from the hospital staff was incredible and we were so blessed! I can not stress enough how grateful I am that we got to have a 1st birthday party with the most amazing little boy I have ever met!




#9 Reading. Deklyn LOVED books. Seriously... this kid could look at books for days on end! It was so adorable! It was hard to get Deklyn to focus on things, but you pull out a book and he'll look at it and study those pages like you wouldn't believe. Reading to Deklyn will always be one of my favorite memorys. We did it when he was in my tummy, and I will never forget the first book we read to him. "Oh the places you'll go by Dr. Suess". I can only imagine the places hes going now. I remember when I was pregnant, as we'd read this story and you get to the end and it says "and will you succeed? Yes you will indeed. 98 3/4% guaranteed  Kid you'll move mountains." I would almost always start crying cause I knew our little guy had the biggest mountain I could even imagine. But I new God was going to help us move it.

#10 His 2nd Christmas. His 1st Christmas, honestly didn't feel like Christmas. But his 2nd we got to put up a Christmas tree and I even decorated a bit! It was so awesome! Giving him his presents he watched so intently as we unwrapped them and showed them to him. We played and just had an incredible day. Christmas eve was also a lot of fun! Luckily he was moved back to PSCU on Christmas eve so we got to be in his room with the christmas tree and presents. Deklyn lay on his mat on the floor all evening while we ate a special  christmas eve meal, played games and gave Deklyn his stocking. Such special memories I am so glad we got!

and sorry I need to do one more!

#11 Watching him learn & grow. It was amazing. By the end of his life he was starting to grab things! I would stick my finger in his chubby little hand and he would squeeze so tight! And those legs! Wow did those get long! Unbelievable! My amazing little boy, he truly did get so far! I honestly feel so lucky. I got to enjoy this amazing boy for 14 months. Yes it was hard. I feel like it took quite a few years off my life. But I will never take for granted all the joys and stresses of parenting.

Deklyn has taken my heart and made it 100% bigger, I have a heart for the hurting more than I ever have. Some times I do feel sorry for myself. Some times I do get over whelmed and feel like life is totally unfair and I absolutely hate that I can't have Deklyn with me. But I always lean on the promise of seeing him again. I am SO looking forward to the day where I get to meet my savoir, thank him for everything he did for me and than turn and see my beautiful boy running for me. What a day that will be!

2 Months of Missing Deklyn

 2 months ago we celebrated my sons life. A very short but incredible life. I feel as though I have lost something so incredibly important in my life and I guess that's acceptable because I did. I know every mom would feel like a huge piece of their life was missing if their child passed away. Not to say other mom's don't but I gave up a lot for Deklyn. I lived away from home and for the majority of the time apart from my husband. I lived in a pretty scary part of the city. I learnt things medically, things that were incredibly scary and hard to do. Things that nurses tell me they are most scared to do in their nursing career. So when Deklyn left, I think its fair to say 100% of my life was changed. I moved back home, got to see my husband everyday (this was of course a plus!), I no longer needed to think about saturation's  heart rates, secretions  changing trach ties, dressings and the trach its self. I no longer needed to talk with the doctors and nurses everyday or deal with some of the unpleasant parts of spending your entire day in the hospital. Before I had Deklyn I was terrified at the thought of having to possibly live a few weeks in the city by myself... I spent over a year in the city by myself and although it was hard. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I loved giving Deklyn his bath and then changing his trach ties and dressing. I loved giving his medicines, not so much the injection but he always handled it so well. Yes, I even enjoyed changing his diaper... I loved every part of my day with Deklyn no matter how scary, hard or gross it was.  Some times the easiest thing seems to be just to forget, not that you really can. But just push the thoughts of what you miss away. It can be incredibly over whelming thinking about how you really don't know how many days you have left until you get to see that beautiful face again. But at the same time, it makes me sad not to talk about him. If no one ever asked me about him, or ever mentioned his name it would make me very sad. He was a huge part of my life and to not talk about it just feels strange, any mom you know talks about their children like crazy! Probably 80% of their conversation is about their children so to not have that anymore is a struggle in its self.

I get so overwhelmed thinking about the months ahead... Mothers & Father days, our birthdays, signification dates in Deklyn's life... How in the world do you get through these days! With mothers day coming up, a part of me wants to just sleep through that whole day. I don't want to see all the other mom's cuddling their babies and enjoying their title as a mother. I know I am a mom, but feel as though I have nothing to prove for it. Its not like being engaged or married where you have a ring on your finger and everyone knows your married, there is nothing on me (besides my strech marks and c-section scar) that prove I am a mother. I know this day will always be hard. I know its hard for many people not just me, but this year I'd just rather not deal with it. But I know that is no way to live either. I am not the only one out there we has lost a child, or lost their only child for that matter. I guess its just hard when it seems like everyone around you has what your missing. For myself its a good reminder to keep telling myself I am not the only one going through this. 

On another note, my new job is going great! I'm actually enjoying working way more than I thought I would. I think part of it is just filling my old position of Deklyn's care giver. Being at work makes me feel useful and rather than sitting at home wishing I was taking care of Deklyn I'm doing something with my time and meeting new people. I love when kids come in, most people seem to think seeing kids would make me sad. Sometimes it does, but it doesn't make me not want to see kids. I just love making them feel special and giving them a little extra attention. I would have liked people to treat Deklyn like that, and in each child I talk to I see a piece of Deklyn.

I again want to thank all of you who are praying for us. As you can probably tell by my latest blogs, this is a really really hard time. I know it will get better, but right now the prayers, support and encouraging words just mean so much to us. Thank you so much! We have really been shown a true example of a Christ like love.

Deklyn and I, our first and last mothers day together here on earth. I miss you so much, and I wish I could have you in my arms for even one minute. I am so proud of you, and thank you for being my son. Love you always and forever!

What Imprint Will You Leave?

Like I've said before, each day is different. One day I'm unbearably sad... the next unbelievably happy, and often I'm both in one day. With each day things are seeming to get harder... I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't think a month and a half after his death I would be more sad than the day he passed away. Every where I look it seems like someone's carrying a child or is pregnant. Believe me, I am so happy for anyone who has a child or is pregnant, I really am! Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the sadness I feel when I want to have Deklyn in my arms, just as someone has their child in there's. Or how I wish I could have the feeling of him in my tummy again.

There is something that has really been on my heart to share on my blog. I'm not sure if I made this clear or not when Deklyn passed away. I fully believe Deklyn could have been healed here on earth. I do not know why he wasn't and I could torture myself just thinking about what I may have missed, or what else could have been done but that is no way to live. I just really want to make it clear that I still fully believe in healing, what has happened has not changed any of my beliefs. Before Deklyn passed away, I thought long and hard about what would happen to me if Deklyn would pass away. With out a doubt I knew my views on healing would not change, I knew I'd be confused and probably hurt but I knew without a doubt that God is always good, and we live in an incredibly crappy world. Bad things happen all the time! No one likes to talk about the stories where what was prayed for didn't happen, everyone likes the stories where they laid hands on the sick and they recovered.... I thought we were going to have one of those stories... but God did not abandon us. God did not forsake us. God was holding us while we held out dead child, I'm sure he cried and was holding on to me as I fell to the floor tears pouring down my face as I watched the hospital staff turn off his ventilator and unhook everything that was keeping him going. God holds me every night as I wish I was holding my son. I just want to make it perfectly clear where I stand with all this. If you are believing for healing, do not give up! Our God IS the healer! The sunday after Deklyn's celebration my father in-law shared a great message at church. I think it helps with alot of the questions we have in situations like Deklyn's I encourage you to give it a listen, you can watch that here

There is just one more thing I wanted to say in this post. I want to encourage you to be as kind as you possibly can to anybody and everybody. You have no idea what people are going through. I remember when I found out something was wrong when I was pregnant, I was so sensitive to any remark, if it was meant to be hurtful or not. You don't have to go out of your way to do nice things for people, but even in your job, if you answer phones try your best to be extra kind on the phone, or if your a cashier try to have a smile on your face... you have no idea how something so small can help someone who's been going through some tough stuff and trust me, there are alot of us!  I know for myself, with everything that has happened I am so much more  aware of how people are acting. When people are rude or not very kind, I often wonder what may be causing them to act this way.. maybe they are going through something too that has made them act that way today.

I hope I'm making sense today. Honestly the past week has been really hard. People have been asking me to  make a post and this is all I really had on my heart today. Continue to let us know how Deklyn impacted your life. It really does help us!
I realized after my last post that I didn't really give a good explanation of my tattoo! When I got it, I meant it to represent my family. Sheridan and I would be the feather and I would add birds as we had kids. A few people, without knowing what my meaning was said to them it looked like Deklyn was the bird and the feather was the imprint he left behind. I love that too! and it makes me wonder, when I go to heaven, what kind of imprint will I leave behind.

Happy Easter Deklyn!

The past few days have been tough for me. Dealing with how to move on has been tough, some days are easier than others which I guess is to be expected. I will always miss my son, and I can reminded myself that he is happy, healthy and I will see him again one day over and over again and sometimes that just isn't good enough. I want to see him now. I miss hearing him click his tongue and smack his lips, I miss the way he'd turn his head the opposite way when I was going to give him a kiss, I miss the way he'd squeeze my finger in his little hand, I miss making him smile and so many other things. I would give anything just to play with him on the floor one more time. I am so glad that Sheridan and I decided to hold him at night the day before he passed away, even though we had to prop him up with pillows and blankets to make sure he was comfy... I am so glad I have that last memory have being close to him and he was happy to be close to me.

We will be celebrating Easter this weekend, this would have been Deklyn's 2nd Easter. Last year I begged Sheridan to let me buy Deklyn a cute little Easter basket. He thought it was a silly thing to buy but he let me any ways. I wish so badly that I could fill that basket this weekend and give it to Deklyn. Even though he wouldn't have really cared much... its just those little things that you can't do that feel so hard to deal with. I wonder how Deklyn will be experiencing Easter in heaven... In a strange way, Easter has been helping me with dealing with my sadness .. I know God understands my pain. He had to watch his son die too and in a way that comforts me.

In the hospital I tried my very best to make each holiday and other important days as special as I could and as normal as I could. We can still celebrate these days, but when you have a child it just seems different. You want to make those days that much more special for them so that they have awesome memories of these days with you. Now that Deklyn's not here, a holiday almost feels like a hole in my heart. A day where last year, I did everything I could to make special for Deklyn. A day where I tried to make it memorable and start a tradition. This year... we will just be going to our gatherings, watch the other kids having fun making memories and carrying on traditions. I try not be sad, because I know he wouldn't want to come back to earth if he could.

We had one gathering already, and something that was super special was our family brought a bouquet of balloons in memory of Deklyn. I loved it! I think that would be a cool thing to carry though with all our holidays and maybe another way we can keep his memory alive for the kids that are yet to come into the family and the young ones that already are.

I didn't mean this post to end up being a sad one. I guess, at least for me it seems like as time goes on things are getting harder. How do you move on from the death of a child? I don't think you can. I'm supposed to start work again next week.. I was never going to work again, or at least not for a long time. I was going to take care of Deklyn and siblings that followed at home. That has been my dream, and it still is. I guess I'll just have to revise my dream a little.

Enjoy your Easter. Have fun with your families! Have fun with your kids and remember not to take them for granted. They can be taken from you faster than you know. Oh! I almost forgot! In my last post I mentioned I was getting something done for Deklyn and I would be able to show it in my next post! Well about a week and a half ago I got a tattoo. Its more so one that represents my family but I did it especially for Deklyn! The little bird is Deklyn and I will add more birds as we add more kids to the family.
Happy Easter Everyone! Take this time to remember the reason why we celebrate Easter. I know for myself I feel so lucky to have grown up in a community where God is just talked about so openly. Not everyone has that. I encourage you to reach out to those around you. There are more people hurting than you realize, especially in these times.
 Show the love of God, I know you won't be sorry that you did.

We Are SO Blessed!

This has been an unbelievable amazing and hard 2 and a 1/2 weeks. You truly never know how it would be for you when a child of yours passes away. In the hospital I met a few families who lost their child and I just remember feeling so incredibly bad for them, but also thinking it must be some kind of a relief that you don't have to deal with the hospital life any more. I never thought I would be the one on the other end of that stick, I will tell you, I do not feel relieved that I don't have to deal with hospital stuff any more, I would have done it for the rest of my life for Deklyn, but I can also tell you I feel relieved for Deklyn. He had such a hard life compared to other babies, he didn't realized it but he did and feel relieved for him that he doesn't have to deal with all that any more. I can honestly tell you, I am ok. Of course I miss him, of course I wish I could have him with him but I made a decision shortly after he passed away. I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life. I decided every time I have a thought that makes me sad whether it starts by seeing a child or seeing a picture of Deklyn, I will try my best to replace that thought with how happy he must be right now. How he is completely healed and in the most amazing place that we just can't even imagine how awesome it is. So far I think I am doing ok with this! I know I will be sad, I know this is going to be incredible hard especially as holidays come up and family gatherings but like I said, I just don't want to be sad for the rest of my life.

 I want to keep Deklyn's memory alive, I don't want to forget about him and I don't want our families to forget about him. I would love if Deklyn's cousins and siblings talk about him like a regular family member! I want his future siblings to always know him as their big brother that they will get to meet one day. I'm not sure how we are going to do this in a healthy way but we will figure this all out.  Some of you have been asking me what is the best way to donate to HPP research. We are currently working on getting a foundation set up in Deklyn's name, so in a future post I will let you know how you can donate in Deklyn's name. Just another way we can keep his name alive!

After Deklyn's celebration of life, (if you missed it you can see it here) I was overwhelmed. I had just spent 14 months living in the hospital, a crazy afternoon packing up our life and then a whirlwind 2 days figuring out how to say see you later to our beautiful son. Now I was somehow supposed to magically go back to how things were before I was even pregnant. I didn't know how to do this. When things weren't going well with Deklyn, Sheridan and I decided if the worst were to happen, we were going to get away for a bit. So that's exactly what we did. 1 week after he passed away we were on our way to the Dominican. The first day there was actually pretty hard for me, it just kinda hit me that Deklyn DID pass away and that is why we are on vacation. I got really sad, but I just had to get myself out of it. I kept telling myself how happy Deklyn is right now and how he would want us to enjoy our trip, and we did! We had a great time just being together and relaxing. 

Going home I was nervous. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel going back home knowing Deklyn wouldn't be there. I was scared I was going to turn into a big crying mess, sit in Deklyns room and never come out. Well we were in for a HUGE surprise. We got home to a bunch of family in our entrance and a tour of our completely finished home! We'd been under renovations since we bought our house in December 2009, there wasn't a whole lot of big stuff that had to be done but LOTS of little stuff! Sheridan's brother really wanted to be able to do something for us, so he put it out to our church that he kinda wanted to do a home makeover thing and so many people stepped up to help! Seriously... we still can't believe our house is done! Anyone who played any part in this thank you so much! Seriously, thank you doesn't feel like enough but we are just so incredibly grateful! So many things can happen now that our house is finished. For Sheridan and I, our chance of having another child like Deklyn is 1 in 4, that risk is just to high for us. We couldn't put us, our family or another baby through this again. If we got pregnant and found out the baby had HPP we would feel so guilty because we know it can happen. So right now for us, when we are ready we want to adopt. But we needed our house to be done before we could even start that process! So now like I said, whenever we feel we are ready to start that chapter in our lives we can!  Here are just a few pictures so you can get an idea of what our new beautiful home looks like!

Kitchen! All the baseboards and casings were done for us,
the back splash and many other little things!

Living Room! Again baseboards and casings and other little things done here!

Deklyns room! His room was full of all this stuff from the hospital so family took the time
to organize and clean it up! Baseboards and casings, closet door and other little things done here!

Upstairs Bathroom! When we left this room was
totally gutted! Everything was done in this room and we are just waiting on glass for the
shower door!

Basement! The stairs were just wood before, so there is now carpet which I love! Again baseboards and casings here, doors, outlets moved to places where they should be, and more!

So much was done to our house, I probably haven't even found all things that were done! We have doors on all our closets and some rooms didn't have doors and now they all do! New cupboards were installed, some rooms needed more paint, that was done! Seriously.... our house feels like a new place! We liked our house before and now we LOVE it! So again, thank you to anyone who helped in any way! We are so incredibly blessed and all this has really helped us to start our new journey here without Deklyn. I have never felt so much love in my entire life, this is just unbelievable!

Well that's it for now! In my next post I will be able to show you something special I am getting done for Deklyn, so you have that to look forward to! Be blessed, and try to remember to be grateful for the things you do have in your life. Try not to focus on what is missing or what you wish could be different. You can decided to be happy, and that is what I'm trying to do too!

What An Amazing Life

wow... looking back it feels like we only spent maybe a month in the hospital rather than 436 days. I'd give anything to have my little boy back... even though I know he is much better off now, I would have spent the rest of my life beside his hospital bed if I had too. 

I want everyone to know Deklyn passed away very peacefully .. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Just that morning we had decided with the doctors and nurses that we didn't want anyone to do anything like compressions or bagging any more. We just wanted Deklyn to be comfortable, whatever that meant we weren't even sure. At this point we knew Deklyn was going to pass away, unless something miraculous happened. Deklyn had been in a crib up until the morning of February 28th, when they moved him into an adult sized hospital bed so that we could lay with him. I will forever be grateful that they did that for us. In my heart I knew we didn't have much time, we had some family in the waiting room who had been with us for a few days already at this point, so we went to go get them so they could see Deklyn. At this point the doctors came to tell us they thought we had made a good choice and it was hard to say when Deklyn would pass away, sometimes people just get a spurt of energy and make it a few more weeks or even months. This was the last thing I wanted, although it sounds crazy, you think I'd want my kid around as long as I possibly could. But you have to understand that heart ache we'd been experiencing for the last 2 week already.. He was in pain and although he still had his happy side, most of the day seemed pretty hard on him. Just the day before I had gone back to the Ronald Mcdonald house to freshen up and I got on my knees and prayed that if Deklyn wouldn't be healed on earth that Sheridan and I would both be there when Deklyn passed away and that it would be peaceful... this is exactly what we got. Our family left the room and Sheridan decided to lay beside Deklyn. I sat on the couch we had in the room and it wasn't even 3 mintues later alarms starting going. This is nothing new to us... his alarms had been going off for days already but it was always his 02 sats. I looked up and it was his heart rate... inside I knew this was it. I got up and Sheridan asked what it was this time that was going off... I honestly don't remember what I said, I heard someone call for the doctors and Sheridan and I stood beside him holding his hands.. and he was gone. 

When I imagined him passing away I thought he'd be going blue and gasping for air which we'd seen many many times. It wasn't like that at all... in fact he kept his color for much longer than I expected and his O2 sats stayed up while his heart rate dropped. I will forever be grateful for this experience.

The days that followed were a blur... we had family come to help us clean our house and put things away seeing as we had all of Deklyns stuff in the hospital and a years worth of stuff at Ronald McDonald House. Honestly it still hasn't hit me that he's gone... I never got to have him at home so other than the pile of things in his room we don't have any memory's of him in the house.. It feels strange not calling to check on him, but right now it just feels like I'm having a sleep over at home and I'll be going back soon to see him.

We had Deklyn's celebration of life service yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. I want to thank anyone who did anything! I know so many people brought food, hospital staff brought balloons, people brought us gifts and cards, we've got meals from people so many amazing things... if you did anything at all for us please know how grateful we are! The service did get video taped so I will post it on here when I have it. But I did write a letter that I shared yesterday and I will put it here for you guys.

Deklyn. You are amazing. I don’t know anyone who had to go through the amount of junk you did and in spite of everything you showed more joy than I have ever seen in a human being. You are an amazing son, and I was so lucky to have you for the time that I did. Of course I wish it could have been much longer. I had so many dreams for you, but I now realize that those dreams weren’t even as great as the things you did accomplish in your short life. Since you have gone to heaven, I’m being told over and over how you have impacted so many people, how your life has taught people to live differently. You have done the very same for me, I realize that all the things we want in this world really don’t matter. Life is short and whats most important is what you do for God in that time. I’m glad we had the time to snuggle, to laugh and smile. To play with your all your toys and tickle you so hard you laughed. I wish I would have been able to hear your voice but I guess that’s just one more thing I have to look forward to in heaven. I am so happy for buddy, so happy that you finally get to experience life the way you were meant to. I wish you could have received your healing here on earth but I am so glad you don’t have to experience the hurt this world gives anymore. I am so glad I got to spend 14 months by your side, I would do it again in a heartbeat. You taught me so much. I had to step far outside my comfort zone almost every day I was with you and you made me a much stronger person.  I can’t believe this is where this journey has brought us. I honestly thought without a doubt I would be bringing you home, but I am so happy for you that you are in heaven, our eternal home and I have the promise of seeing you again. I bet everyone there thinks you are on crazy kid cause you just won’t stop running around and yelling and doing all the things that I wished you were able to do here.  Deklyn, you brought so much joy into my life. You gave me the gift of being a mother and that is something I will always have. I am so unbelievably proud of you, you are an amazing son and I feel so lucky that I was the one who got to take care of you for during your short 436 days of life. I can’t wait to see you again in heaven, I can only imagine all the things you are getting into and all the people you have met and are talking to. I am so happy that you are completely healed and feel only happiness.  With God we will make it through till we get to see you again, I honestly can’t imagine life without you but if I keep thinking on how many lives your life impacted and how now you are truly free I can’t help but feel happy.

This is not the end of your story, infact I think it may only be the beginning. I will make sure to continue to reach out to others using your life as a stepping stone, your short life may have only seemed like a splash in the water but I know we are going to continue to see the rippling effect from your amazing life. Deklyn, I am so proud of you… you were so happy… and to me you are the most beautiful boy I have ever seen.  I have been so amazed with you, you went through so much and still managed to click your tongue, smack your lips, smile and come up with new things to do with your mouth! I loved watching you grow and become strong, I only wish I could have done more for you. I loved how much you loved your toys. Although you couldn’t do much with them you loved looking at them and wiggling around and you just recently had started grabbing and pulling things. I will never forget your love for balloons… you would smile at them and proceed to reach out your arm so we could put the string in your hand so you could make the balloon do what you wanted it to do. I also loved how much you enjoyed books, ever since you were born you loved looking at the pages.

Even in your last days with us when you weren’t feeling good you always looked at a book when we read it to you.

You have given me more than I think most parents get from a 14 month old. I am not at all the same person I was 2 years ago. You have changed me for the better and I want you to know how much I love you and all your craziness.  I will miss you and I really don’t know how I will make it here without you but God gave me the strength to a lot of things I had to do in the past 14 months and I know he will be with me now too. We love you, we miss you and you will forever be engraved on our hearts. I promise to keep smiling, I promise to keep sharing the love of God through your story. I feel so incredibly honoured to have the tile “Deklyn’s Mommy”. I can’t wait to see you again buddy bear, but until then have fun, laugh, yell, run around and don’t get into too much trouble..  Love you forever.

I am so glad I decided to read this in front of everyone, although I am usually so strick when it comes to this stuff. I hate it when people don't look up when they are speaking to a crowd and I didn't look up.. I couldn't. I knew if I did I would cry a lot more than I had already. Sheridan also made an amazing video and you can see that here.

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all the hospital staff.... you guys are amazing! We have loved seeing the love you have for our son and are forever grateful for the love and attention you showed him. Just seeing how many of you came to the celebration was incredible. We will not forget you guys either and we promise to come by every now and then! You guys are our heros... you saved our sons life countless times and made sure we had him for as long as we did. Thank you, doesn't feel like enough... but that is all I have to offer at the moment.

A friend of ours has a blog, and she wrote up a very nice tribute to Deklyn and you can see that here.

This is all I will write for now. I want to thank you all so much for the support you have shown my family over the past 2 years and are continuing to show. This is not going to be easy.... and like I said I don't know how I am going to get through this, but I know I'm not the only that has to deal with the loss of a child. We will make it and we will be ok, but I will never forget my amazing son and everything that he has done for us and this world. Please continue to tell us how Deklyn has changed your life, it is honestly one of the biggest things getting us by right now.