Well I suppose it's time to update this abandoned blog, that is if anyone still looks here!
I'm sure if you are reading this you are probably already aware of our situation but in case you are not and because I feel like I'm at a stage where it will be helpful to write out my feelings and share in hopes that I can help someone else not feel alone here we go...
I'm a bit terrified to write out how I feel, it's scary to let your vulnerable side be seen and share for almost anyone to read! It's taken me quite sometime to come to a place where I feel comfortable sharing pieces of this journey but I really hope I can help someone else in their journey by sharing.
This Summer Sheridan, Flynn and myself moved to a new house. It was an exciting time as we moved to pretty much our dream house. Shortly after we moved, I began to have this sense or feeling that I would be pregnant in this house.. I could see it. The more I thought on it, the more I was really excited about this being a possibility and this even being something that God was telling me to do... I never thought God would lead me to have another child... I've always kind of looked at that as being something we would just decide to do if we both felt it was a good decision for our family (which we both agreed was not in our future). I didn't tell Sheridan how I was feeling and instead prayed that if this was truly the direction we were to take that Sheridan would approach me with the idea of having another baby. I remember kind of laughing as I prayed because I thought "Truly God won't answer me in the exact way I ask him to... that NEVER happens". But wouldn't you know it, a few days later Sheridan came to me and said he felt like we should again put adoption stuff on hold and have another baby on our own. He had no explanation for why he felt this way execpt that God had totally changed his heart in that department. We were so excited as we felt so lead in this direction... it was so clear.
I then found out I was pregnant... I was nervous but mostly excited. I wasn't eager to share our news with others because I wanted to wait till we knew for a fact that everything was ok.. but we slowly started sharing our news and getting more excited. We then had our first ultrasound and we waited and waited to see long arms and legs.... but that didn't happen. Our littlest baby looked very similar to Deklyn. "I can't do this again" "I'm not strong enough" "Why did we decide to have another baby" "I can't, I can't, I can't" "We must have heard wrong" These words, along with tears filled that day. The following weeks were very hard for me. I couldn't understand and I couldn't see the future. I began to plan for another funeral and wished with all my heart that I'd wake up not pregnant... that this had all been a dream and we could keep on as a family of 4, with 1 in heaven rather than the possibility of being a family of 5 with 2 in heaven.
After being extremely sad for what felt like forever, I had a very serious talk with God. I told him that I still believed in healing but that it was very difficult me for me to see that in our future because of our past. I told him that if Jesus was here today I know he would touch my stomach and our baby would be completely healed. I told him I knew that the holy spirit was in me, and that it was completely possible for our baby to be healed right then and there, but that I needed him to help my unbelief. And I decided that day to cherish each minute with this baby, and try my best to be happy with what I have this moment rather than look to the future with worry and picture myself burying another child or how I can't imagine being apart from this baby or from Flynn. It is so hard to have this perspective and so easy to just sit in sadness, but I knew Flynn and this baby deserved better.
I was terrified that people would judge our decision, I felt like people wouldn't care this time because we knew this could happen, I felt like people maybe wouldn't love this baby out of fear of having to say goodbye... because I'll be honest, I tried to not love it... I tried to not think about it to hopefully make it easier. But in the end, no matter what, I know I would be upset with myself that I didn't cherish this time... our last pregnancy. And this baby is so deserving of our love no matter what the out come.
Now we just had our 2nd ultrasound, and things aren't perfect but we did have a lot of good news. Pretty much everything looks wonderful except for the short limbs. Deklyn's ultrasounds often left us feeling defeated when all we'd hear is how horrible everything looks and how there is no way this baby could live... We had a great tech and doctor show us all the things they were happy with along with the things that we could obviously see weren't how they should be and that made a huge difference in the appointment. Right now we are just waiting. We'll see with future ultrasounds how this baby develops and we are hopeful that it's chest will continue to grow as it should.
We know our God is bigger than any disease and will continue to believe that our baby will receive full healing. We pray for continued peace and joy as we continue this pregnancy and enjoy each and every minute we have with our little bean.
Philippians 4:6-9
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.
Now we just had our 2nd ultrasound, and things aren't perfect but we did have a lot of good news. Pretty much everything looks wonderful except for the short limbs. Deklyn's ultrasounds often left us feeling defeated when all we'd hear is how horrible everything looks and how there is no way this baby could live... We had a great tech and doctor show us all the things they were happy with along with the things that we could obviously see weren't how they should be and that made a huge difference in the appointment. Right now we are just waiting. We'll see with future ultrasounds how this baby develops and we are hopeful that it's chest will continue to grow as it should.
We know our God is bigger than any disease and will continue to believe that our baby will receive full healing. We pray for continued peace and joy as we continue this pregnancy and enjoy each and every minute we have with our little bean.
Philippians 4:6-9
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.
As I've always said in the past, thank you for your love and support! We need more than I think we ever have. I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated as we progress in the pregnancy.
