Wyatt's Story Part 2

So we know now that our baby appears to have HPP, just like Deklyn. But, we never saw Deklyn this early so we began to build on hope that maybe this baby would be better off than Deklyn. There were so many babies born with HPP in recent years that were doing pretty well with treatment. Maybe that would be this babies story if he wasn't completely healed. We continued going to fetal assessment to see how his bones were doing, HPP is degenerative so every time we went back we saw his bones getting worse. It was so hard.

I regret so much of my pregnancy. Not the pregnancy itself but how I spent it. Now while your reading this I'm sure your saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself" or "You did the best that you could". That may all be true, but I think whenever we lose someone we love we'll always look back and wish we had done things differently. I was so sad and felt so alone. At the time I didn't know of anyone who had been in shoes like mine. Someone who knew they had a 25% chance of having a sick baby and took the chance and the worst case happened. I felt guilty, I began to doubt my ability to hear God's voice and I was SO mad at myself for creating another sick baby. I never wanted another baby to go through what Deklyn did. I didn't want our family to go through what we went through again. All I could see was, if this baby was not healed on earth I wasn't sure how I could make it all work. How would I balance taking care of Flynn and this baby if this babies life looked a lot like Deklyn's. I truly believed Deklyn lived for as long as he did because I was able to be with him majority of the time. Now with Flynn how could I give this baby that and give Flynn what he needs and deserves? On top of all this I felt like mostly everyone around me didn't get it. They didn't seem to get the intense pressure I was under, the extreme guilt I was feeling and all I wanted was for this baby to be loved no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I know people loved him but I think it's hard for people to connect to a baby they can't see. Most of that happens when the baby is born, but I knew it was very possible that everyone in my life might not get to meet this sweet baby. I wanted him to be loved now, not when it was too late.

For the most part, I know everyone around me was just trying their best or what they thought was their best. Majority of the time in these scenarios people tend to say nothing rather than reach out because they don't want to say the wrong thing or didn't want to make me sad, but it left me feeling isolated. I reached out to a few that have been in similar shoes and found some comfort in that, but I was left running scenarios in my head, wondering what we would do in each one. I spent most nights crying out to God to change what was happening, to heal my precious son. I knew without a doubt he had the power to do it, but I was left wondering why was I so sure he had asked us to this? How could a loving God ask me to do this? I was wrestling with this. I told God that if the lady with the bleeding only needed to touch his clothes to be healed I could surely approach him in prayer and do the same for my son. If all I needed was faith as small as a mustard seed I surely had that. 

I didn't know how to plan for his birth because I wanted to believe that he would be ok, but I needed to prepare myself for if he wasn't, funny how now I know all the planning in the world would not prepare me for that moment. I needed to trust. Trust that no matter what God would have us. No matter if he would live or die God was still good and we'd make it through the storm with him guiding us. We naturally want to have control, to know the out come so we can prepare but that's just not how life works. There is great testimony in believing and seeing things change but even greater is the testimony of someone who doesn't see change but continues to praise and follow. How could I expect a perfect, unbroken life when Jesus promised us we would suffer. I still believed. I knew without a doubt that our baby could be healed here, but I had to know that if he wasn't I'd still trust that my God is good and that he cares for me. If there was one thing that was carrying me, it was that in the end he will make all things right. That was one truth I knew I could hold tight too.

I clung to this verse on those horrible days of waiting and wondering:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So looking back, I wish I hadn't focused so much on wanting to know what the end result would be. I wish I had put my energy into making memories with him rather than spending my days in tears anticipating what could come. I wish I could go back and make sure that everyday I told him I loved him, and cherished those little movements. I wish I could have put my fears aside and trusted that no matter what God would take care of us. I tried, I tried so hard but I wanted to control what would happen. People around me wanted to help control what would happen. I also don't want to make it sound like I didn't enjoy my pregnancy cause I did. I loved being pregnant, and we were so lucky to have Sheridan's family take us on a trip while I was pregnant. It's really special that he got to be apart of those memories. We had some really special moments and I feel really lucky that I got be with him for his entire life.

Then, before I knew it we were in the middle of February, had a date for his birth and were making plans with the most amazing team for his birth.

Wyatt's Story Part 1

I am finally ready. Ready to share Wyatt's whole story with all of you. As we come close to his birthday I am feeling like now is the time. I'm not sure how long this will take me, but I'm going to write it in chunks as I have time and have the ability. If you are reading this, know you are so lucky to hear about one of the sweetest boys who was ever here and is now with Jesus. Some of this will be familiar from other posts but I am going to start from the beginning as that's the only way I feel it makes sense.

So just a warning, these post may be hard to read. They are sad and they show the reality of what I was going through in my pregnancy with Wyatt. I'm not going to say everything I thought or did was right, but I will be honest and share with you exactly how it was and how it felt.

The start of Wyatt's Story

We had just moved to our new house, getting settled in and making it our own. I was so happy and loving this life on our acre yard that kinda feels like you are in the country but not. I'd been reading a book from a friend, Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I was trying to be very intentionally about spending time with God and really listening for him. So I would read some from the book, pray and read the Bible and listen out on my porch as Flynn would nap. One day as I was walking down the stairs in our home, I felt like I heard "You will be pregnant again, you will walk down these stairs pregnant". It was so clear. Personally, I would have loved to be pregnant again but Sheridan and I had agreed now that we had Flynn we just couldn't do anything to put our family through another story like Deklyn's. So I started to wonder, was this God or my head? For days I kept praying about this and I kept having the same thing come back "You will be pregnant again". I felt super silly doing it, but I prayed that if this was really from God and not just my head that God would tell Sheridan the same thing and he would come to me and tell me that he thinks we should have another baby. I figured this would be impossible because Sheridan was so against ever having another biological child. He just didn't want to see us go through that again.

We were currently in the process of starting up adoption stuff again and Sheridan said we should really decide what we are going to do next. So I asked him what he meant by that and he said "I feel like we are supposed to have another baby" WHAT?!?! I just could not believe it. I couldn't think of a time that my prayers had been answered so clearly and exactly the way I wanted. I told him what I had prayed and we just knew this was from God. We were so excited to be able to share this story of God showing up and truly revealing what he wanted for us. It was the perfect story.

August 2017, Wyatt was already here
but most people didn't know that yet.

It wasn't too long and we found out we were pregnant. We were excited, but I was also nervous. I never felt God tell me that our baby would be healthy, but it also kinda felt like a no-brainer... why would God tell us to have a sick baby? We were planning to tell our family at Flynn's 2nd birthday party and I was really hoping to have an ultrasound by then but we ended up telling our families early and my ultrasound was booked for the end of September. Our families have always been amazingly supportive. I was worried about putting them through all that pain again, but no one made me feel like they were concerned about that. Everyone was excited for this little baby that God's hand was so clearly upon. Even when we started telling friends we still hadn't had an ultrasound which at the time I didn't like. I wanted to be able to tell people we were pregnant and all was well. Now in hind sight, I'm glad it happened this way. That we were able to have the excitement of telling people another baby was on the way without it being tainted by "He's sick".

September 28th 2017, ultrasound day. I was excited but nervous. I went cautious, just in case but I really did believe all would be well. As she placed the wand on my stomach we saw him. Our little bean. I anxiously waited to see a long arm or leg stretch out. It wasn't happening. She moved the wand over so we could see the top of his head and that's when I saw two short arms. My heart sank. The tech was explaining what I already knew, "Here's the head, and here are the arms." "They are short right?" I said. "Yes they are." she replied. I burst into tears, uttering a few words I normally would try not say and was trying my best not to hyperventilate and have a complete break down right there in that room. The doctor came and told us what we already knew "I think we know what we are dealing with here due to your previous pregnancy" yes... yes... I know. 

I probably said and thought "I can't" a million times that day. 

I can't do this again, put our families through this again, put Flynn through this, carry a baby that I know will have such a hard life, bury another child, live in the hospital, take care of such a sick child and a healthy child, live with this crushing pain, believe this is real .... my list of can not's was endless. 

We had planned to have a fun date that day, well that kind of went out the window now but we had decided we'd still go to Costco. We wandered around, but buying things seemed pointless now. Nothing was going to ease this nightmarish pain. I remember waiting for Sheridan to get out of the bathroom and I stood there with my eyes fixed to the ground wiping my tears hoping no one would come ask if I was ok because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak. I began texting our family and a few friends to let them know things didn't look good, why did I have to do this? Why couldn't I be sharing that all was well? I was so mad, heartbroken and devastated.

This wasn't supposed to be our story. How could God ask us to do this? How could I trust that I really heard his voice? A million questions and fears were setting in and my brain didn't know how to process it. I felt so broken and betrayed. I had actually prayed that if this baby was going to have HPP that I would miscarry, now obviously I wouldn't have wanted it that way but in the moment looking forward looked so painful. Our options were 1, God would completely heal him and God would be given all the glory. 2, His case wouldn't be as bad as Deklyn's, my hope was that he'd be able to breath on his own or at least be stronger than Deklyn was at birth and have a better chance. Or 3, his condition would be similar or worse than Deklyn's and we'd have to decide if we want to go through treatment again or let him go.

The future looked unbelievably painful and I had no idea how to live through the pain when every moment I was awake was a reminder of what was to come. When I could hardly get through a book with Flynn without crying because I knew there was a chance I wouldn't ever get to read a book to this baby. That I may never to get to play with him, feed him and dress him. I had so many questions I felt like I needed answers for when now looking back I shouldn't have been so consumed with the "what if's".