Everyone handles grief differently, and I don't think there is a right or wrong way. I didn't know that grief would be the way that it is for me. When Deklyn died, I didn't know if I could ever be genuinely happy again. I thought how can I 'move on' without one of my children here with me? Its amazing the thoughts that run through your mind in those moments when I could hardly even say the word funeral and picking the color of his casket felt like torture.Although Deklyn was sick, his death still felt like a suprise. The night before he died, Sheridan and I were lucky enough to get to hold him. He had pretty bad de-saturations when being moved to our arms, these de-saturations would usually send doctors and nurses and RT's running to his side. But this time we just let him work though it on his own as we had already made the decision to let him go when he was ready, and when he came though it he was pretty calm and seemed happy to be in our arms. I cried looking at his puffy little body, wishing with all my heart that I could take every bit of his pain away. Sheridan and I prayed for him and knew that this wasn't over, Deklyn could still get his healing at any moment. We never stopped believing, even though he was so sick and we were so tired. I remember whispering in his ear numerous times how much I loved him and that he could go to be with Jesus whenever he wanted to, but I never stopped believing. When he died I felt completely numb, almost like the moment I was told there was something wrong with him, but a thousand times worse.
So how has grief affected me? Deklyn was the first person that I was really close to that passed away. I had never had to deal with this kind of grief before and I really didn't know how to handle it. I knew I didn't want to be mad at God, because I know this wasn't God's doing. But why? Why my son? Why couldn't he get better like the other kids with HPP like Gideon who is just doing amazingly well? I imagined them playing together and being just the best buddies because they have this strange thing in common. Why did this have to happen to my family? I was attacked by these questions, and I so easily could have let them take root in my heart and make me angry.
Sometimes these "why" questions cause me a lot of pain. Sometimes I let them get to me and they cause me to get very angry... but what I try to do is re-direct my thoughts. I can't change the fact that Deklyn died, I can't change the fact that the 14 months we had with him were spent in the hospital... but the time that we had really was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything! If I think about that, and how he is free from all pain, running and dancing... how can I be sad about that?? I'm so incredibly happy for Deklyn... but sad for us and for our families. We've got 1 niece and 1 nephew right now, and few more on the way and so many friends having babies this year which is so incredibly exciting but if I think about how Deklyn won't get to play with them here on earth, and how we're going to see more babies born healthy, its very easy to be jealous that we didn't get that experience with Deklyn it can make me very sad and a very unhappy person, but I have to make the choice to be happy. I feel upset that people just really don't understand what I've gone though... but at the same time I wouldn't wish what I've gone through upon anyone. I'm not saying I always make the right choice, but I try my best. I know that one day we will all be together in heaven forever, and that will be SO awesome. But for right now, we are just going to miss him and we just can't change that, but I can change my attitude. I'm only hurting myself by being upset.
I know so many people struggling with grief, and I don't have this all figured out not even close. But I know the way I'm handling grief has helped other so I thought I'd share it on here. I still have bad days, but they are fewer than they used to be and it is totally ok to have bad days, but I just can't let it consume by life. I don't know how long it will be till I see Deklyn again and I don't want to spend all that time being sad and angry. I'd rather take my experinces and reach out to others and show the love of God to others. Helping others has helped me more than you could imagine. Talking with other mom's who had lost children has also been very helpful, showing me that I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of loss. Its everywhere, and I'm actually lucky that I got 14 months with Deklyn, not everyone is that lucky.
I hope that what I've said here has helped at least one person. I would also like to ask if Sheridan, myself and our families could get some prayers this month. February 28th marks 1 year since Deklyn passed away and there are just so many memories that come with this month. Its pretty overwhelming thinking about all the things we had to talk about in his last month, we so appreciate your prayers!
