Hope

This pregnancy has been unreal tough. After Deklyn I never thought I could be stretched in such a way again but here I am being stretched like never before.

After finding out this baby wasn't well I backed down, I hid and prepared myself for the worst. People around me were trying to be optimistic and hopeful but I just couldn't see it. I've been down this road before and it didn't end well. I believed with all my heart that things would change, our Deklyn would be healed and he'd have the most amazing beautiful story to share with the world. Granted he still does, I just get to share it for him. I think any person can see and understand why I felt the way I did. 

After awhile I decided I didn't want to just be sad all the time, I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy no matter the outcome. So I did a big thing for me. I moved the change table to our room and prepared it with baby #3's things. I filled it with newborn clothes and the blankets that I had specially sewed for him. All the while I was telling myself that this is something I should do, not really believing that our baby would ever get to lay on that table, wear those clothes or use those blankets. 

In the past week I've really taken time to learn and grow in the areas that I am struggling with. Prayer time has always turned into tears and me telling God what I know the bible says and how I need him to help me believe that we can get our miracle. Begging God to show me some hope that life might turn out better than what we see right now. I'd flip through my bible hoping to land on that perfect verse and know God is telling me our baby will live and be well. I hated that every time I prayed looked like this and ended with me trying to see how I would make it with two children not alive.

Here is what has been sticking out to me this past week.

1) Although it can feel silly we need to keep asking! 

Matthew 7:7-8 Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

God will ALWAYS answer. Sometimes we need to keep asking, sometimes the answer doesn't look the way we expect but he will always answer us. The rest of that verse talks about how if we know how to give good gifts to our kids how much better God's gifts will be to those who ask him. We need to ask! Along with this, I learnt a lot about the story of Elijah and how he had prayed for rain, God told him rain was coming. Most of us I think would go "Awesome! Lets see it!", Elijah went to the mountain and prayed and prayed until he saw the faintest hint of rain coming. This really shifted my perspective on prayer as well. Even though rain was promised, Elijah still prayed.

2) Jesus is our High Priest

This isn't something I ever thought about much or probably even cared about... but it's a pretty big deal! In the old testament the high priest was the one who could enter The Most Holy Place and stand before God to make atonement for himself and the people for all their sins. Jesus is our high priest. He stands before God and pleads for us!

Hebrews 4:15-16 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Knowing this we can confidently pray knowing Jesus has mercy and grace for us and fights for us.

3) I have so much more but I'll leave it with this last one. We need to have faith like Jesus did. If we truly believe what the bible says, that we will do greater things than Jesus we need to have faith like him. Jesus healed diseases and he raised people from the dead! He truly believed that his father was more capable than the darkness that surrounded the situation. 

Now please as you read this, don't think I have it all together or that I'm not still sad or upset about all this. Honestly, it's a lot easier for me to have doubt and prepare for the worst. Every movement I feel from this baby is a reminder that things aren't quite as they should be. Every ultrasound is a reminder that we are up against something really tough. Every week that goes by brings more anxiety about whats to come and a fear of what life might look like. This is all stuff that is still very hard for me. But what I am trying to do is continually bring these to God, he's big enough, he is greater and I'm asking him to turn my fears into joy as I look to him and believe he's greater than this disease. 

This isn't something I feel super comfortable sharing, I always feel like I'm not great with words but this morning I just had it on my heart to write this out. So hopefully someone feels encouraged by this to continue praying for their own situation. As always thank you to all of you who have been supporting us and praying for us!

One more thing, the week of Deklyn's birthday we received a gift from a stranger. A beautiful sign and ornament. Please, if you are reading this know that gift was so perfectly timed and we love it so much. We are so grateful for you and your obedience to do what you felt you should do. We felt loved and joy in a very hard time. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful 3D Ultrasound photo of our 3rd baby boy.