Dear Deklyn

Deklyn,

I miss you so much, but I am so glad that you don't miss me. We are 1 month away from your 2nd birthday, I can only imagine what your birthday party is going to be like in heaven. I wish I could plan a party for you like I did last year, that was so much fun! Even though you were back in Intensive Care, we had such a great time. You got spoiled with so many presents and I'll never forget the amazing memories we made that day. We are going to have a party for you here, to celebrate you and your amazing life. Its hard to do these things with out you, but it would be even harder to not have a party at all. 

Daddy and I talk about you a lot. We joke that you have your own circus up in heaven, that you've got all these animals trained to do anything that you want. We talk about how you and Cash go for tractor rides and play together. We wonder what Uncle Grant has all shown you and we are sure he must be telling you stories about Daddy from when he was a little boy. We feel jealous that you've met daddy's sister, I'm sure she's being an amazing auntie to you and spoling you enough for all your auntie's left behind.

 I wonder how big you are now... I'm so sad that I don't get to see you grow. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine you calling me, I can't wait to hear your beautiful voice when I get to heaven.When ever I sing, I feel you watching me. I think you like my singing and are proud of me when I praise God with my voice. I imagine you singing the words with me.

I try my best not to get sad when I see other kids with their mommys. I know I'm going to get to be with you soon, but its still hard for me. I tried my best to take care of you, I had so much fun being a mommy. Some times I find myself asking why... The other day I looked into your room and thought I really should clean it up a bit.. so I started taking things from the closet and re organizing.... and I came across some of your blankets. Your blankets were a big part of your life, clothes you didn't always get to wear and your toys didn't always get played with, but you were always on one of your blankets. I started to cry, and I got mad that I could wrap you up in one, that I couldn't see you smile when you looked at your favorite ones... But I remember, we were never promised an easy life. God never promised to rescue us from every horrible thing that happens to us here on earth. His promise is eternal life to those that follow him. I have held on to my faith like I never have before because of you Deklyn. You've made me a better person in every way possible and a better Christian. Heaven holds a whole new meaning when someone you love is there.

Deklyn, I am so very proud to be your mommy. Even though I am so sad that you are not here, especially for your birthday and Christmas... I am so glad I had you for the time that I did. You taught me so much and I hope I never forgot the lessons I've learned through you.

Some one that I meant through all this, and has also lost her own son said this and I think it is so perfect.
 In the worst of the storm, when I had all but given in, peace found me, the kind that passes all understanding, and it knew right where I was. It didn't change the circumstances, but it changed my heart, which changed it all.

I'll see you soon Buddy, I love you with all my heart.

Love, Your Mommy