Its Been A While....

Well its been a while since I posted anything here! I really haven't had much of any significance to say other than I miss my baby boy which goes with out saying I think. I know I could easily use my blog as a place to vent and I'd be lying if I said I haven't used it for that before but I really want to try to use my blog as a place for encouraging others and not just a place to show case how sad it can be to have lost a child.

This past week Sheridan and I went on a last minute trip Mexico and just had such a great time! Of course there were some tough parts, I can't help but feel sad when I see other parents playing with their kids in the water.. I can just see Sheridan playing with Deklyn in the sand or in the ocean but I have to remind myself we will have eternity with him in heaven. I also have to remind myself if he was still with us we wouldn't be able to do things like this, although I would much rather have him with me. But we just love traveling together and I love how through everything we've been through we love each other even more and I know that it could have easily gone the other way. We've worked very hard to keep our relationship moving in the right direction and I'm so proud of how we've handled all this together.

Something I've really struggled with lately is being a parent to a dead child. I am still a mom, even though Deklyn is not here with me but I struggle with not being able to do things for him... going into Target, I am drawn to the little boys clothes... I possibly even pick up a few and want to buy them so badly, but why? He no longer needs me to buy him clothes. I see cute little stuffed animals and so badly want to buy them for him, but for what? to stick it in his crib along with all the other toys he will no longer play with? All these things may seem kinda small things to be upset about... but for me, its very very hard. While in Mexico I found the cutest little stuffed animal, I told Sheridan "I would have bought that for Deklyn" I could not take my eyes off it, I could not tell my mind to stop thinking about it...  all I wanted was to buy it for him. I told Sheridan how badly I wish I could get that for him, Sheridan told me if it would help me I could buy it. But I knew it wouldn't. Bringing it home to empty crib would just make it worse. I don't know why I'm writing this right now, but hopefully someone else who is going through this knows that they are not alone in these feelings. Everything about losing a child is tough, but I'm glad that I can use my situation to help others.

Holidays are always tough. I can just imagine bringing Deklyn to gatherings and how fun it would be. Seeing him get gifts and playing with his cousins. But I try my best just to remember where he is right now is way better than anything he could experience here, and although I'm sad for myself and my family I couldn't be more happy for him. I am so incredibly grateful for all that Jesus has done for us, with out him I wouldn't have the hope of being with Deklyn again and with out that I know for a fact I would not be doing well at all. This Easter Sheridan and I went to Deklyn's grave and found a few things left for him there, I don't know if anyone could ever understand how happy & sad this is all at once... I'm so incredibly happy and grateful that Deklyn is still remembered, thought of and even given gifts even though he is no longer here. But sad that they are left at his grave rather than being played with. We are so lucky to have family that care so much, and even the little things that they do for us and Deklyn can make my day, week & month (so don't stop haha!).

Since the end of January, Sheridan and I completed the adoption process so we are currently available to be picked as adoptive parents. How it works now, is a girl who is pregnant would go to our adoption agency and she gets to pick from a bunch of files who she would like to be the adoptive parents of her child. Here is where you can help us, if you know someone who is pregnant and is considering adoption you can tell her about us and if she really likes us and would consider us as adoptive parents we can go to our agency to tell them we've found someone who wants us to have their child which means we would skip the waiting for a phone call to be told we have been picked. I personally can not wait to have another baby, being a mom has always been all I've wanted to be and not being able to act like one has been really hard for me. 

Thank you all so much for your support! If you know of anyone who is pregnant and looking into adoption seriously, feel free to put them in contact with us or they can go to Adoption Options in Winnipeg and say that they want to see our file. Thank you for the continued prayers, love and support we so appreciate it!