I've tried to write many times since my last post, but I never want to force it. I want it to come naturally but I often feel like my thoughts are jumbled and come out making no sense. Today marks 6 months since Wyatt was born and died and I just felt the need to write. So I apologize in advance if this makes no sense. Grief has done a number on my brain which I'll maybe make time for on another post.
This life is so hard. Unbelievably hard. If I'm being completely honest, for the most part I turn the part of my brain that remembers everything that happened off so that I don't turn into a complete mess, can still live life and take care of Flynn. I miss my boys. Deklyn would have been either in grade 1 or 2 this year... seeing as he was a December baby we would have been able to pick which year he would have started. Seeing all the photos of kids off to school is hard. I can't help but think that his class is really missing out. I wish his teacher knew she/he was missing out on an amazing kid being in their class. Wyatt... I can only imagine how cute and cuddly he'd be right now. I'm sure I'd be exhausted and a complete mess but unreal happy. Sometimes I just picture myself holding him, playing with his beautiful curls but that dream is always rudely awakened with a picture of his grave. Flynn turned 3 this past weekend and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't truly know what its like to have a brother. He talks about his brothers, that he loves them and that when he's bigger he'll get to give them a kiss. I'm so sorry that he'll have to explain that he has brother's but they aren't here. The looks and comments he might have to deal with, I'm so sorry and I pray that he'll have so much grace for those that don't understand and that he won't be afraid to talk about them.
Oh how I miss my boys. I wish I could take my whole pregnancy with Wyatt back. I'd do it all over again, just to feel him and spend that time with him. Make sure he felt as loved as he was. It's not fair. This life is not fair. But God didn't promise us fair. We actually have been promised that this life will be hard, and to count it all joy when we face trials. I pray that God can and will use my story, I pray that God will set my eyes on things above and that I would not focus on gathering up earthly treasures. I pray that he will guide my steps and show me where he wants our family to go. I pray that he holds my broken heart while it feels to heavy to carry. I thank him, for I know he is good. I know that he cares for me and I know I can trust him. In spite of all this, my heart is still shattered. My life is in pieces. But as I kneel before him and show him each piece I know he will slowly show me how to put them back together.
I will never be the same, and that's ok. I will always miss my boys and I want to. Thank you to the people in our lives who continue to show they care with words and action. You have no idea how much those words and actions have meant to us. We need them. Even now, 5.5 years after Deklyn's death and 6 months since Wyatt's. I'm great at looking like I've got this all figured out, but I promise you I don't. I don't think it would be possible for someone to have life figured out, no matter what it is you are facing. 
Something that I have found super helpful is connecting with other mom's who have lost. If you don't have someone in your corner who you feel you can talk to about your babies I promise you I will. I would love to. If you've lost a baby, feel free to leave their name and any other information you'd like about them in comments here. Our babies deserve to remembered and I'd love to remember them with you.
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