So we know now that our baby appears to have HPP, just like Deklyn. But, we never saw Deklyn this early so we began to build on hope that maybe this baby would be better off than Deklyn. There were so many babies born with HPP in recent years that were doing pretty well with treatment. Maybe that would be this babies story if he wasn't completely healed. We continued going to fetal assessment to see how his bones were doing, HPP is degenerative so every time we went back we saw his bones getting worse. It was so hard.
I regret so much of my pregnancy. Not the pregnancy itself but how I spent it. Now while your reading this I'm sure your saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself" or "You did the best that you could". That may all be true, but I think whenever we lose someone we love we'll always look back and wish we had done things differently. I was so sad and felt so alone. At the time I didn't know of anyone who had been in shoes like mine. Someone who knew they had a 25% chance of having a sick baby and took the chance and the worst case happened. I felt guilty, I began to doubt my ability to hear God's voice and I was SO mad at myself for creating another sick baby. I never wanted another baby to go through what Deklyn did. I didn't want our family to go through what we went through again. All I could see was, if this baby was not healed on earth I wasn't sure how I could make it all work. How would I balance taking care of Flynn and this baby if this babies life looked a lot like Deklyn's. I truly believed Deklyn lived for as long as he did because I was able to be with him majority of the time. Now with Flynn how could I give this baby that and give Flynn what he needs and deserves? On top of all this I felt like mostly everyone around me didn't get it. They didn't seem to get the intense pressure I was under, the extreme guilt I was feeling and all I wanted was for this baby to be loved no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I know people loved him but I think it's hard for people to connect to a baby they can't see. Most of that happens when the baby is born, but I knew it was very possible that everyone in my life might not get to meet this sweet baby. I wanted him to be loved now, not when it was too late.
For the most part, I know everyone around me was just trying their best or what they thought was their best. Majority of the time in these scenarios people tend to say nothing rather than reach out because they don't want to say the wrong thing or didn't want to make me sad, but it left me feeling isolated. I reached out to a few that have been in similar shoes and found some comfort in that, but I was left running scenarios in my head, wondering what we would do in each one. I spent most nights crying out to God to change what was happening, to heal my precious son. I knew without a doubt he had the power to do it, but I was left wondering why was I so sure he had asked us to this? How could a loving God ask me to do this? I was wrestling with this. I told God that if the lady with the bleeding only needed to touch his clothes to be healed I could surely approach him in prayer and do the same for my son. If all I needed was faith as small as a mustard seed I surely had that.
I didn't know how to plan for his birth because I wanted to believe that he would be ok, but I needed to prepare myself for if he wasn't, funny how now I know all the planning in the world would not prepare me for that moment. I needed to trust. Trust that no matter what God would have us. No matter if he would live or die God was still good and we'd make it through the storm with him guiding us. We naturally want to have control, to know the out come so we can prepare but that's just not how life works. There is great testimony in believing and seeing things change but even greater is the testimony of someone who doesn't see change but continues to praise and follow. How could I expect a perfect, unbroken life when Jesus promised us we would suffer. I still believed. I knew without a doubt that our baby could be healed here, but I had to know that if he wasn't I'd still trust that my God is good and that he cares for me. If there was one thing that was carrying me, it was that in the end he will make all things right. That was one truth I knew I could hold tight too.
I clung to this verse on those horrible days of waiting and wondering:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
So looking back, I wish I hadn't focused so much on wanting to know what the end result would be. I wish I had put my energy into making memories with him rather than spending my days in tears anticipating what could come. I wish I could go back and make sure that everyday I told him I loved him, and cherished those little movements. I wish I could have put my fears aside and trusted that no matter what God would take care of us. I tried, I tried so hard but I wanted to control what would happen. People around me wanted to help control what would happen. I also don't want to make it sound like I didn't enjoy my pregnancy cause I did. I loved being pregnant, and we were so lucky to have Sheridan's family take us on a trip while I was pregnant. It's really special that he got to be apart of those memories. We had some really special moments and I feel really lucky that I got be with him for his entire life.
Then, before I knew it we were in the middle of February, had a date for his birth and were making plans with the most amazing team for his birth.
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