Beautiful Memories

My recent posts have been on the sadder side, just missing Deklyn and trying to go on with out him has become really difficult. I don't really have much to say this post, but I wanted it to be a happy one, so I decided to write about my top ten moments with Deklyn (if i can even narrow it down to 10!)

Starting from the beginning of his life.

#1 My first cherished moment would be my whole pregnancy. I loved ever second of it. 

When Sheridan and I decided to start a family, it happened much faster than I had expected. I was hoping it wouldn't take to long but was prepared for it to talk a few months or even a year. In the beginning of April 2011 I was way to impatient to wait and see if I missed my period so I bought a test. I decided to just leave it in the bathroom for a bit before looking at it but Sheridan went to look. I asked for the results and he said "nope, not pregnant" I took a good long look at it... he was right. But i couldn't stop looking at it.. the longer I looked the more sure I became that there was the faintest line you could ever see... after a while I had Sheridan convinced there was a line and sure enough that faint little line was proof our little Deklyn was on the way. Besides the terrible acne pregnancy gave me, I loved every part! I loved the movement in my tummy, I loved how round I was, I just can't say enough how much I enjoyed it.

#2 My next favorite moment was seeing Deklyn for the first time/ our first day with him. Although to an outsider this day would have seemed terrifying and horrible, for me it was such a joyous day. After months of being told my son would die at or before birth, he was here and alive. I loved looking at his little body and touching his hand and his head. His hair was curly just like his daddy's  I joked that he did the one thing I asked besides being healthy and that was that'd he'd have his daddy's hair. We got to show off our brand new baby boy to our family and I was just so proud of him.

#3 Our very first time holding Deklyn. Now this was not an ordinary "first time holding your child" experience  but it was wonderful and such a blessing. Sheridan got to hold him first at 4 weeks old. It was a surprise as we really weren't told we could hold him yet but they wanted to get him a new incubator so he needed to be some where while they made the switch. Deklyn did so well, and seemed to enjoy it so they told us we could do it more often. It was quite the procedure though. He had to stay on his thick mattress and all his lines, tubes and hoses were quite a mess, but the amazing staff at childrens helped us out and made it as comfortable as it could possibly be. The first time I got to hold Deklyn against my chest was by far my favorite holding experience. He was so content and I felt like such a mom in that moment





#4 Being able to change his diaper and put clothes on  him. Who would have thought changing a diaper could be a blessing?? Up until the day Deklyn died I honestly loved changing his diaper and I really miss that part of being a mom. And who doesn't love baby clothes?? Seriously, my boy had to be the best dressed child in that hospital! I loved picking out his outfit for the day, and if that one got dirty? All the better, I got to pick another one! Lets just say, the few things I got to do with Deklyn that were normal I cherished and had such a blast doing. Not once did I wish I didn't have to change his diaper or get him a different outfit. I was actually really sad when he couldn't wear clothes when he was to sick to be moved.

#5 Seeing Deklyn's face for the first time. We didn't get the chance to do this till he was 5 months old. On May 17th 2012, Deklyn had a tracheostomy. A procedure we did not go into lightly. Looking back, this was the best decision we could have made for him and us even for seeing that he would pass away. Seeing his face, watching him move his tongue and lips. It was like seeing your child for the first time again. It was beautiful. From that day, he started a trend of learning how to do new things with his lips and mouth and I think it was the cutest thing ever!

#6 Being able to lift him by ourselves. I wasn't able to do this till he was about 6 months old, but when I got to I took off with it. Yes it was slightly scary  especially when he went through phases of turning blue when moved, but we got through it and I'm so glad we weren't scared to be his mommy and daddy. We got to lift him into his baths, lift him up to hold him and it was especially rewarding being able to lift him into his grandparents, aunties and uncles arms.

#7 Getting more independence with Deklyn. When we moved to PSCU when Deklyn was 7 months old we gained alot a freedom. He now had a room that was as close to homey as it gets in the hospital and the nursing staff trusted us to do most of his care. Moving there really made me feel like a parent. We started to get to play with him on the floor, put him in his stroller (not for rides but it was fun anyways), I started to really come into my role as his mommy. Deklyn, although he was always a happy baby suddenly became the happiest child I had ever met. I figured out what made him smile and how to make him laugh (although it couldn't be heard, it was still the cutest thing ever). I started to bounce and tickle him, it was just so awesome! Just a little more independence gave us so much with Deklyn and I am so grateful for that!

#8 Deklyn's 1st Birthday. Wow am I ever glad we got to experience this day with him. Although it was back in ICU, that day went amazingly. It was so fun and everything I had hoped for in a birthday party for him. I only wish everyone could have held him and seem him closer, but other than that I would not have changed one thing. The love we received from the hospital staff was incredible and we were so blessed! I can not stress enough how grateful I am that we got to have a 1st birthday party with the most amazing little boy I have ever met!




#9 Reading. Deklyn LOVED books. Seriously... this kid could look at books for days on end! It was so adorable! It was hard to get Deklyn to focus on things, but you pull out a book and he'll look at it and study those pages like you wouldn't believe. Reading to Deklyn will always be one of my favorite memorys. We did it when he was in my tummy, and I will never forget the first book we read to him. "Oh the places you'll go by Dr. Suess". I can only imagine the places hes going now. I remember when I was pregnant, as we'd read this story and you get to the end and it says "and will you succeed? Yes you will indeed. 98 3/4% guaranteed  Kid you'll move mountains." I would almost always start crying cause I knew our little guy had the biggest mountain I could even imagine. But I new God was going to help us move it.

#10 His 2nd Christmas. His 1st Christmas, honestly didn't feel like Christmas. But his 2nd we got to put up a Christmas tree and I even decorated a bit! It was so awesome! Giving him his presents he watched so intently as we unwrapped them and showed them to him. We played and just had an incredible day. Christmas eve was also a lot of fun! Luckily he was moved back to PSCU on Christmas eve so we got to be in his room with the christmas tree and presents. Deklyn lay on his mat on the floor all evening while we ate a special  christmas eve meal, played games and gave Deklyn his stocking. Such special memories I am so glad we got!

and sorry I need to do one more!

#11 Watching him learn & grow. It was amazing. By the end of his life he was starting to grab things! I would stick my finger in his chubby little hand and he would squeeze so tight! And those legs! Wow did those get long! Unbelievable! My amazing little boy, he truly did get so far! I honestly feel so lucky. I got to enjoy this amazing boy for 14 months. Yes it was hard. I feel like it took quite a few years off my life. But I will never take for granted all the joys and stresses of parenting.

Deklyn has taken my heart and made it 100% bigger, I have a heart for the hurting more than I ever have. Some times I do feel sorry for myself. Some times I do get over whelmed and feel like life is totally unfair and I absolutely hate that I can't have Deklyn with me. But I always lean on the promise of seeing him again. I am SO looking forward to the day where I get to meet my savoir, thank him for everything he did for me and than turn and see my beautiful boy running for me. What a day that will be!