2 Months of Missing Deklyn

 2 months ago we celebrated my sons life. A very short but incredible life. I feel as though I have lost something so incredibly important in my life and I guess that's acceptable because I did. I know every mom would feel like a huge piece of their life was missing if their child passed away. Not to say other mom's don't but I gave up a lot for Deklyn. I lived away from home and for the majority of the time apart from my husband. I lived in a pretty scary part of the city. I learnt things medically, things that were incredibly scary and hard to do. Things that nurses tell me they are most scared to do in their nursing career. So when Deklyn left, I think its fair to say 100% of my life was changed. I moved back home, got to see my husband everyday (this was of course a plus!), I no longer needed to think about saturation's  heart rates, secretions  changing trach ties, dressings and the trach its self. I no longer needed to talk with the doctors and nurses everyday or deal with some of the unpleasant parts of spending your entire day in the hospital. Before I had Deklyn I was terrified at the thought of having to possibly live a few weeks in the city by myself... I spent over a year in the city by myself and although it was hard. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I loved giving Deklyn his bath and then changing his trach ties and dressing. I loved giving his medicines, not so much the injection but he always handled it so well. Yes, I even enjoyed changing his diaper... I loved every part of my day with Deklyn no matter how scary, hard or gross it was.  Some times the easiest thing seems to be just to forget, not that you really can. But just push the thoughts of what you miss away. It can be incredibly over whelming thinking about how you really don't know how many days you have left until you get to see that beautiful face again. But at the same time, it makes me sad not to talk about him. If no one ever asked me about him, or ever mentioned his name it would make me very sad. He was a huge part of my life and to not talk about it just feels strange, any mom you know talks about their children like crazy! Probably 80% of their conversation is about their children so to not have that anymore is a struggle in its self.

I get so overwhelmed thinking about the months ahead... Mothers & Father days, our birthdays, signification dates in Deklyn's life... How in the world do you get through these days! With mothers day coming up, a part of me wants to just sleep through that whole day. I don't want to see all the other mom's cuddling their babies and enjoying their title as a mother. I know I am a mom, but feel as though I have nothing to prove for it. Its not like being engaged or married where you have a ring on your finger and everyone knows your married, there is nothing on me (besides my strech marks and c-section scar) that prove I am a mother. I know this day will always be hard. I know its hard for many people not just me, but this year I'd just rather not deal with it. But I know that is no way to live either. I am not the only one out there we has lost a child, or lost their only child for that matter. I guess its just hard when it seems like everyone around you has what your missing. For myself its a good reminder to keep telling myself I am not the only one going through this. 

On another note, my new job is going great! I'm actually enjoying working way more than I thought I would. I think part of it is just filling my old position of Deklyn's care giver. Being at work makes me feel useful and rather than sitting at home wishing I was taking care of Deklyn I'm doing something with my time and meeting new people. I love when kids come in, most people seem to think seeing kids would make me sad. Sometimes it does, but it doesn't make me not want to see kids. I just love making them feel special and giving them a little extra attention. I would have liked people to treat Deklyn like that, and in each child I talk to I see a piece of Deklyn.

I again want to thank all of you who are praying for us. As you can probably tell by my latest blogs, this is a really really hard time. I know it will get better, but right now the prayers, support and encouraging words just mean so much to us. Thank you so much! We have really been shown a true example of a Christ like love.

Deklyn and I, our first and last mothers day together here on earth. I miss you so much, and I wish I could have you in my arms for even one minute. I am so proud of you, and thank you for being my son. Love you always and forever!