Where I Am Today...

Well, its been awhile since my last post and I know people are wondering how we are doing.  I'm sorry if this post seems to be a little more on the sad side, I try my best to be positive but I also want to be as real and honest as I can and this is just one of those posts showing how it really is and I am terribly sorry if any of this offends anyone. Its been 5 months now since I saw my little boy alive and I can say its not getting easier. Honestly it feels like its getting harder. Shortly after Deklyn died everyone was talking about him, people from all over were telling me how amazing Deklyn was and how he impacted their lives. I still get that from time to time but it has slowed down greatly. Deklyn's name doesn't get mentioned nearly as often as it used to, which I understand is normal but as a mom its hard. All moms love to brag and talk about their kids. I still love to talk about him but I know for some people its not a very comfortable subject. People like to talk about what is new, and we obviously don't have anything new to say about him. I'm honestly having a very hard time, I know most people wouldn't guess that by looking at me. I very easily pull on my happy face, that is just who I am in almost all situations. As of right now, I honestly still can not believe this has happened to us. It feels like at any moment I could wake up and all this was a dream. I get a big wake up call anytime I go to Deklyn's grave. This is always where it hits me hard, I stare at that little stake in disbelief... my babies body is seriously under the ground... that is my beautiful babies name on that stake. Its almost like how I was in shock after we found out something was wrong. This just can not be, this has to be a dream.

Almost every night before I fall asleep I relive Deklyn's death. It was such a sad moment in our lives and obviously very traumatic. But when I can't stop thinking about it, I try and focus on my favorite part of that horrible day, the moment Deklyn was in my arms hooked up to absolutely nothing for the very first time in his life, on earth and in heaven. The moment I had longed for for over a year, it was here but not in the way I had anticipated. The monitors were turned off, there were no machines beeping, it was just me, sheridan and our beautiful son. Looking back I wish I had held him longer, but right then it felt pointless... he wasn't in that body anymore. I just love thinking that the moment I held Deklyn the way I had always wanted, he was doing everything I wanted him to be able to do in that exact same moment. While I was looking at his amazing little face, he was looking into the eyes of Jesus and I hope Jesus told him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him.

But thats enough sad talk, I'll move on to something a little more exciting.

Sheridan and I have embarked on a new journey in our lives. Its again not an easy road, but will hopefully have great reward at the end. We have officially started the process to adopt. I don't like to talk about it too much because it is so uncertain, and I don't want to get excited about something that may never happen. We are going a route where a mom who is pregnant or has just had a baby here in manitoba and wants to give her child up for adoption has to pick us... so nothing is for sure, we may never get picked but I sure hope we do. Adoption is SO much more complicated than people think. When I begin to explain the whole process to other people they are just shocked. TV shows and movies have definitely made adoption look much easier than it really is. We are not approved for adoption yet, its quite a process but we are on our way. So thats that! We are on our way to having our family, I don't think things will ever be 'normal' for our family. We will always be missing one person at the table, there will always be one person I wish was with us where ever we are. But I can't change that and we have to move on. I know we can't wait to be over Deklyn to make this step, because we will never be over him. I will always miss him like crazy, but I know I want to be a mommy, and I have always had it so strong in me to have kids.. we both love kids so much and we just can't see our home with out a child for much longer. So through this route we could have a child in our arms a year from now or 10 years from now. Either way we are excited to have another baby in our lives and be able to be parents again. If you would like to pray with us in this, please pray for the mom who will be choosing us, and our future child.

I want to thank everyone who has made a donation to Deklyn's Endowment Fund. It really means so much to us, and this is just one way we can continue to have Deklyn in our lives. Thank you for all your love and support on this journey we have been on. It's not easy as you can see, but it helps to have the amazing family and friends that we do that keep Deklyn's name alive and remind us that he is not forgotten.