Broken, But God is Still Good

I've tried to write many times since my last post, but I never want to force it. I want it to come naturally but I often feel like my thoughts are jumbled and come out making no sense. Today marks 6 months since Wyatt was born and died and I just felt the need to write. So I apologize in advance if this makes no sense. Grief has done a number on my brain which I'll maybe make time for on another post.

This life is so hard. Unbelievably hard. If I'm being completely honest, for the most part I turn the part of my brain that remembers everything that happened off so that I don't turn into a complete mess, can still live life and take care of Flynn. I miss my boys. Deklyn would have been either in grade 1 or 2 this year... seeing as he was a December baby we would have been able to pick which year he would have started. Seeing all the photos of kids off to school is hard. I can't help but think that his class is really missing out. I wish his teacher knew she/he was missing out on an amazing kid being in their class. Wyatt... I can only imagine how cute and cuddly he'd be right now. I'm sure I'd be exhausted and a complete mess but unreal happy. Sometimes I just picture myself holding him, playing with his beautiful curls but that dream is always rudely awakened with a picture of his grave. Flynn turned 3 this past weekend and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't truly know what its like to have a brother. He talks about his brothers, that he loves them and that when he's bigger he'll get to give them a kiss. I'm so sorry that he'll have to explain that he has brother's but they aren't here. The looks and comments he might have to deal with, I'm so sorry and I pray that he'll have so much grace for those that don't understand and that he won't be afraid to talk about them.

Oh how I miss my boys. I wish I could take my whole pregnancy with Wyatt back. I'd do it all over again, just to feel him and spend that time with him. Make sure he felt as loved as he was. It's not fair. This life is not fair. But God didn't promise us fair. We actually have been promised that this life will be hard, and to count it all joy when we face trials. I pray that God can and will use my story, I pray that God will set my eyes on things above and that I would not focus on gathering up earthly treasures. I pray that he will guide my steps and show me where he wants our family to go. I pray that he holds my broken heart while it feels to heavy to carry. I thank him, for I know he is good. I know that he cares for me and I know I can trust him. In spite of all this, my heart is still shattered. My life is in pieces. But as I kneel before him and show him each piece I know he will slowly show me how to put them back together. 

I will never be the same, and that's ok. I will always miss my boys and I want to. Thank you to the people in our lives who continue to show they care with words and action. You have no idea how much those words and actions have meant to us. We need them. Even now, 5.5 years after Deklyn's death and 6 months since Wyatt's. I'm great at looking like I've got this all figured out, but I promise you I don't. I don't think it would be possible for someone to have life figured out, no matter what it is you are facing. 

Something that I have found super helpful is connecting with other mom's who have lost. If you don't have someone in your corner who you feel you can talk to about your babies I promise you I will. I would love to. If you've lost a baby, feel free to leave their name and any other information you'd like about them in comments here. Our babies deserve to remembered and I'd love to remember them with you.

Wyatt - Brave in War

It's crazy to think I should have a baby in my arms right now.

Our sweet baby boy was born March 7th at 11:41am weighing 4 pounds 11 oz and 13" long. His name is Wyatt Timothy Cooper Sawatzky.

He is so perfect and so beautiful. He has the best hair out of all my kids and the cutest little nose and lips. When ever I think about him the word "sweet" always comes to mind. I feel like I hardly got a chance to know him but I know that he is so very sweet. I think if I had the chance to watch him grow up, sweetness would have been a big part of his personality.

We chose the name Wyatt, one because we liked it and two because the meaning Brave in War seemed so fitting for him and what he was going through. He is our brave little fighter... so very brave.

I had no idea my heart could make room for so much more love until I saw him. We honestly had the most amazing team with us that day and I am so thankful for each and every person that was put in that room with us. Before the surgery was to start I sat on the table with my legs shaking and tears streaming down my face, everyone in the room took the time to assure me that they were all going to do there very best and a few of them took the time to tell me they were praying. They all showed me that they cared deeply for us and this boy that we were all about to meet. Our focus that day was time as a family and although I will always wish that that time could have been longer, I am so thankful for what we got. 

I am not fully ready to share the whole story of that day on here, but I did want to share that he was born and is now home with his brother Deklyn. 

We got to hold him, kiss him and watch Flynn love on him before we said see you later which I am so grateful for. I can only describe this time as what feels like having the wind knocked out of you. We believed things would be different and it feels horribly confusing when we know we did what God asked us to do. But we continue to believe, trust, love and hold onto God. He's the only one who I know can get us through this and even if its with the last bit of strength I have I will hold on to him for dear life.

Thank you to all of you who have been supporting us. We are so very grateful and we need it so much.
If any of you want to make a donation in Deklyn & Wyatt's name to Deklyn's fund (all proceeds go to continued research for HPP) follow the link at the top right hand corner of this blog and select donate now.

Hope

This pregnancy has been unreal tough. After Deklyn I never thought I could be stretched in such a way again but here I am being stretched like never before.

After finding out this baby wasn't well I backed down, I hid and prepared myself for the worst. People around me were trying to be optimistic and hopeful but I just couldn't see it. I've been down this road before and it didn't end well. I believed with all my heart that things would change, our Deklyn would be healed and he'd have the most amazing beautiful story to share with the world. Granted he still does, I just get to share it for him. I think any person can see and understand why I felt the way I did. 

After awhile I decided I didn't want to just be sad all the time, I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy no matter the outcome. So I did a big thing for me. I moved the change table to our room and prepared it with baby #3's things. I filled it with newborn clothes and the blankets that I had specially sewed for him. All the while I was telling myself that this is something I should do, not really believing that our baby would ever get to lay on that table, wear those clothes or use those blankets. 

In the past week I've really taken time to learn and grow in the areas that I am struggling with. Prayer time has always turned into tears and me telling God what I know the bible says and how I need him to help me believe that we can get our miracle. Begging God to show me some hope that life might turn out better than what we see right now. I'd flip through my bible hoping to land on that perfect verse and know God is telling me our baby will live and be well. I hated that every time I prayed looked like this and ended with me trying to see how I would make it with two children not alive.

Here is what has been sticking out to me this past week.

1) Although it can feel silly we need to keep asking! 

Matthew 7:7-8 Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

God will ALWAYS answer. Sometimes we need to keep asking, sometimes the answer doesn't look the way we expect but he will always answer us. The rest of that verse talks about how if we know how to give good gifts to our kids how much better God's gifts will be to those who ask him. We need to ask! Along with this, I learnt a lot about the story of Elijah and how he had prayed for rain, God told him rain was coming. Most of us I think would go "Awesome! Lets see it!", Elijah went to the mountain and prayed and prayed until he saw the faintest hint of rain coming. This really shifted my perspective on prayer as well. Even though rain was promised, Elijah still prayed.

2) Jesus is our High Priest

This isn't something I ever thought about much or probably even cared about... but it's a pretty big deal! In the old testament the high priest was the one who could enter The Most Holy Place and stand before God to make atonement for himself and the people for all their sins. Jesus is our high priest. He stands before God and pleads for us!

Hebrews 4:15-16 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Knowing this we can confidently pray knowing Jesus has mercy and grace for us and fights for us.

3) I have so much more but I'll leave it with this last one. We need to have faith like Jesus did. If we truly believe what the bible says, that we will do greater things than Jesus we need to have faith like him. Jesus healed diseases and he raised people from the dead! He truly believed that his father was more capable than the darkness that surrounded the situation. 

Now please as you read this, don't think I have it all together or that I'm not still sad or upset about all this. Honestly, it's a lot easier for me to have doubt and prepare for the worst. Every movement I feel from this baby is a reminder that things aren't quite as they should be. Every ultrasound is a reminder that we are up against something really tough. Every week that goes by brings more anxiety about whats to come and a fear of what life might look like. This is all stuff that is still very hard for me. But what I am trying to do is continually bring these to God, he's big enough, he is greater and I'm asking him to turn my fears into joy as I look to him and believe he's greater than this disease. 

This isn't something I feel super comfortable sharing, I always feel like I'm not great with words but this morning I just had it on my heart to write this out. So hopefully someone feels encouraged by this to continue praying for their own situation. As always thank you to all of you who have been supporting us and praying for us!

One more thing, the week of Deklyn's birthday we received a gift from a stranger. A beautiful sign and ornament. Please, if you are reading this know that gift was so perfectly timed and we love it so much. We are so grateful for you and your obedience to do what you felt you should do. We felt loved and joy in a very hard time. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful 3D Ultrasound photo of our 3rd baby boy.

Big Life Changes

Well I suppose it's time to update this abandoned blog, that is if anyone still looks here!

I'm sure if you are reading this you are probably already aware of our situation but in case you are not and because I feel like I'm at a stage where it will be helpful to write out my feelings and share in hopes that I can help someone else not feel alone here we go...

I'm a bit terrified to write out how I feel, it's scary to let your vulnerable side be seen and share for almost anyone to read! It's taken me quite sometime to come to a place where I feel comfortable sharing pieces of this journey but I really hope I can help someone else in their journey by sharing.

This Summer Sheridan, Flynn and myself moved to a new house. It was an exciting time as we moved to pretty much our dream house. Shortly after we moved, I began to have this sense or feeling that I would be pregnant in this house.. I could see it. The more I thought on it, the more I was really excited about this being a possibility and this even being something that God was telling me to do... I never thought God would lead me to have another child... I've always kind of looked at that as being something we would just decide to do if we both felt it was a good decision for our family (which we both agreed was not in our future). I didn't tell Sheridan how I was feeling and instead prayed that if this was truly the direction we were to take that Sheridan would approach me with the idea of having another baby. I remember kind of laughing as I prayed because I thought "Truly God won't answer me in the exact way I ask him to... that NEVER happens". But wouldn't you know it, a few days later Sheridan came to me and said he felt like we should again put adoption stuff on hold and have another baby on our own. He had no explanation for why he felt this way execpt that God had totally changed his heart in that department. We were so excited as we felt so lead in this direction... it was so clear.

I then found out I was pregnant... I was nervous but mostly excited. I wasn't eager to share our news with others because I wanted to wait till we knew for a fact that everything was ok.. but we slowly started sharing our news and getting more excited. We then had our first ultrasound and we waited and waited to see long arms and legs.... but that didn't happen. Our littlest baby looked very similar to Deklyn. "I can't do this again" "I'm not strong enough" "Why did we decide to have another baby" "I can't, I can't, I can't" "We must have heard wrong" These words, along with tears filled that day. The following weeks were very hard for me. I couldn't understand and I couldn't see the future. I began to plan for another funeral and wished with all my heart that I'd wake up not pregnant... that this had all been a dream and we could keep on as a family of 4, with 1 in heaven rather than the possibility of being a family of 5 with 2 in heaven.

After being extremely sad for what felt like forever, I had a very serious talk with God. I told him that I still believed in healing but that it was very difficult me for me to see that in our future because of our past. I told him that if Jesus was here today I know he would touch my stomach and our baby would be completely healed. I told him I knew that the holy spirit was in me, and that it was completely possible for our baby to be healed right then and there, but that I needed him to help my unbelief. And I decided that day to cherish each minute with this baby, and try my best to be happy with what I have this moment rather than look to the future with worry and picture myself burying another child or how I can't imagine being apart from this baby or from Flynn. It is so hard to have this perspective and so easy to just sit in sadness, but I knew Flynn and this baby deserved better.

I was terrified that people would judge our decision, I felt like people wouldn't care this time because we knew this could happen, I felt like people maybe wouldn't love this baby out of fear of having to say goodbye... because I'll be honest, I tried to not love it... I tried to not think about it to hopefully make it easier. But in the end, no matter what, I know I would be upset with myself that I didn't cherish this time... our last pregnancy. And this baby is so deserving of our love no matter what the out come.

Now we just had our 2nd ultrasound, and things aren't perfect but we did have a lot of good news. Pretty much everything looks wonderful except for the short limbs. Deklyn's ultrasounds often left us feeling defeated when all we'd hear is how horrible everything looks and how there is no way this baby could live...  We had a great tech and doctor show us all the things they were happy with along with the things that we could obviously see weren't how they should be and that made a huge difference in the appointment. Right now we are just waiting. We'll see with future ultrasounds how this baby develops and we are hopeful that it's chest will continue to grow as it should.

We know our God is bigger than any disease and will continue to believe that our baby will receive full healing. We pray for continued peace and joy as we continue this pregnancy and enjoy each and every minute we have with our little bean. 

Philippians 4:6-9 
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

As I've always said in the past, thank you for your love and support! We need more than I think we ever have. I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated as we progress in the pregnancy.

A Quick Update & A New Project!

The last 5 months have flown by and I can't believe how big Flynn is getting. It's been an interesting  new part of our journey that is for sure. Most people say to me that Flynn must be so healing and in ways, yes he certainly has been but having him has also made Deklyn's absence more apparent in new ways. I honestly have been more emotional about him being gone now than I was before Flynn was here. Deklyn's birthday was a hard one... His party was mostly fine, but the morning at church was pretty rough. I just so badly wanted to hear someone say "Happy Birthday Deklyn"... I did get a few texts from some wonderful friends which I appreciated so very much. I try not be unrealistic... I know most people didn't know it was his birthday but it was just harder than his past birthdays for some reason.

I've really been struggling with feeling like Deklyn is slowly slipping away... like he is talked about less and less which I guess is expected... he's not here, but as a mom its still hard. This week I got the privilege of talking to a group of mom's about him and that was just so good for my heart. When I went I didn't want to just tell a story, but have the mom's come away challenged. I often feel like things make sense in my head but don't come out right in my words so I really hope I made sense... but either way I was blessed to be with those ladies who let me share Deklyn and help my heart heal a little more. One thing in particular that I still struggle with is healing... I know our God is healer and I know healing happens all the time! I love hearing those stories but at the same time they often make me feel like I must have done something wrong.. but I know that is just a lie. God is good in spite of everything I've been through, I choose to say it and believe it everyday no matter how I feel and what I'm struggling with. How easy is it to say that God is good when all is going well? Or when the healing does come... I think it means a lot more to say it in the hard times because it is true all the time.

A few days ago I posted a picture of Deklyn's bear on instagram. We take Deklyn's bear with us when we go away and will take pictures of it in memory of Deklyn. A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted one of those pictures to put up as a reminder of the powerful impact life can have and it got me thinking... there could very well be other people who want that exact reminder in there home, or maybe Deklyn has taught them something else and they would want a picture of his bear as a reminder of whatever that is... so we started The Mr. Bear Project. How it works is we have a bunch of pictures up on our photography page on Facebook, pick a picture and either message us there or e-mail me at cassondra.faith@gmail.com with the picture number you want. All the proceeds will go to The Deklyn Sawatzky Endownment Fund, we ask for a minimum donation of $15 and when you message or e-mail me I'll let you know how you can do that! You can view all the pictures here

I so appreciate everyone who has been keeping our family in your prayers. There are so many of you and it is so appreciated. I so often meet people who I do not know but tell me they followed Deklyn's Journey and that he has changed there lives... I can not tell you how happy that makes this mama's heart. I apologize for not writing very often, I sometimes feel like I don't have a whole lot to say... and what I may feel like saying is too sad or not encouraging.. but I know there are others out there who struggle with the same things and maybe reading how I feel will make them feel like they are not alone so I'm going to try my best to write a little more often. Deklyn is forever on our minds, in our hearts and in our lives because we will continue to say his name and keep his memory alive. I only hope he is proud of all we try to do in his memory. 

He is Here!

Well the last 2 weeks has been quite the change for us and our home.

On September 1st at 11:47am we welcomed our second son into our lives. I was scheduled for a c-section and he was supposed to be born around 8:30am but there ended up being an emergency c-section and someone else ahead of us so we finally went into the OR sometime after 11am. I was excited and nervous just as I'm sure any mom is before her baby is about to be born. I had wonderful staff looking after me and of course my amazing husband there to be my support (I can not say enough how incredible he is... he took such good care of me after surgery). As I lay there and Sheridan sat beside me we heard his beautiful cry and I couldn't help but cry too. It was so amazing to hear, I can count on one hand how many times I heard Deklyn's cry (if you can even really call it a cry, it was more like hearing his voice for a split second) so it felt very overwhelming to hear his cry and know he must be at least fairly healthy to have such a strong cry.

After sometime I finally got hold him while I was in recovery... what a feeling... to hold him when he was under an hour old. He was so peaceful and so incredibly cute. I honestly can't put into words what it is like to have a healthy child after a child who was so sick. I feel like I am living a dream, an amazing dream. I love everything about being this boys mom, and I honestly mean everything. I know that will probably change and getting up in the middle of the night will get old.... it probably helps that he's one of the best babies. He hardly ever cries and at the moment is letting us get a good amount of sleep. I took him for a walk today and I just felt so happy... this is what I've always wanted to do and I feel so blessed and so lucky to be doing this. Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing I've done in my life. Both my boys have been extremely different situations but both rewarding, incredible and both have made me grow and learn in different ways.

I was very prepared for bringing him home to be tough.. we are so used to it just being us and doing whatever we wanted on our own time. But when Sheridan and I got home from the hospital with our beautiful little boy we looked at each other and couldn't believe how right it felt. We didn't have anxiety, we weren't scared... we just felt so much joy and peace. Of course I know it won't be easy, and so far he honestly has been such a great baby, we can not complain. I did have a bit of guilt coming home though... this baby is in no way to replace Deklyn or even to ease the pain of losing Deklyn... but I still felt some guilt like maybe I shouldn't be so happy and a piece of me wishes I could talk to Deklyn and know that he knows he isn't being replaced.. but of course I know that Deklyn is just as happy as us and I'm sure he is just so excited to have a little brother and must be telling everyone in Heaven about him. Deklyn not being with us will never get easier, and actually having this little guy here has made me miss him even more but like always I know he wouldn't want to come back even if he had the choice and I'm so glad I have the promise of seeing him again and we'll all be together.

Well, thats all I'll share for now but I'll leave you with some photos!

Here he is, Flynn Hudson Grant Sawatzky born on September 1st at 11:47am, 7 pounds 1 oz and 20 inches long.

Change in 2015 for the Sawatzky House!

Hello Everyone! I have no idea if anyone even checks this blog anymore as I haven't posted in so long! Honestly I'd start to write and just couldn't finish or post because I didn't feel like what I was saying made any sense... It was so much easier writing and updating about Deklyn compared to now.. sharing how you feel is tough and not always very easy for me.

The past 2 years have been a whirlwind of almost every emotion possible. Since the last time I posted we've past Deklyn's 3rd birthday and 2 years since he passed away. These days just never get easier, maybe with time they will... but I honestly don't really expect them to and I maybe don't even want them to. These days are reasons to talk about Deklyn and to remember him and we have some pretty awesome family and friends that always do their best to make sure these days are not forgotten and are always special and we are SO grateful for these people in our lives.

Now along with not posting in so long I have another reason for writing this post. As I said the past 2 years has been filled with so many emotions and changes for us as a couple and family, and in 2015 we will actually be adding to our family! We are expecting our 2nd baby due in September and we couldn't be more excited and happy. I was pretty nervous about this news getting out as I wasn't sure how people would react as I knew most people would be completely shocked but we've had nothing but support and I so appreciate it!

Most people wonder what kind of emotions we felt in finding out we were expecting and honestly... we just agreed that no matter what we would be happy. If this baby had HPP or not, this baby would be loved and cared for just as much as we loved and cared for Deklyn. 

We had an ultrasound around 12 weeks to see how the baby was doing and that day I was pretty nervous... although I was happy we were having a baby I knew this ultrasound would show us if  we would be having a some what normal pregnancy/newborn stage or if we'd be going down a similar road to what we had with Deklyn. Either way I was going to be happy... but I knew I'd feel sad for the baby if it had HPP and of course it goes with out saying it would just be easier if there were no complications.

As we started the ultrasound we could see our beautiful baby's profile and then I saw what I had never seen on any ultrasound we had with Deklyn and that was long arms stretching out and long legs wiggling around. I instantly knew, this baby did not have HPP. Although at that ultrasound they could not tell us anything for sure they did say as of right now all looked good but we'd need to come back just to make sure. In their words, the baby could have a less severe form than Deklyn did.

So we went back 2 more times after that and we were told that they are 90% sure this baby does not have HPP. Which is a relief of course, but brings in a new set of worries... what is it going to be like being able to bring our baby home? Having to get up in the middle of the night to care for it? Having a normal newborn experience is not something we had with Deklyn.. so it'll bring some challenges and I'm sure some frustrations but we are so excited and feel so lucky that we get to go through a 'normal' pregnancy. I so look forward to doing all the things we felt we didn't get to do with Deklyn but I also know this new journey could make me miss Deklyn in a whole new way.

We have also been told that we are having another boy! So I am sure Deklyn is super excited to be getting a brother and we are so excited too! We know everyone is hoping that this little guy will have his brothers cheeks and we'll definitely try our best! 

Like always, we'd like to thank everyone for the support and love! No matter what we go through whether its hard or exciting we always feel such amazing support and we couldn't be more grateful. We know although this time is so happy & exciting it will bring new challenges and things to work through but with our amazing God and all the loving people in our lives we'll make it through whatever life throws at us. 

I'll leave you with a few picture of our newest baby boy expected early September!