2020 - This year just got a little more crazy

I feel like majority of the people in our lives will have heard the news already but I know there are a lot of people that have tried to stay connected to us though this very inactive blog. So I am here to update those of you who may not be connected to us in person or social media. 

We are adopting!!!

Crazy right?? It's a pretty unreal story with God's finger prints all over it. I am so in awe of his goodness and love for us. 

So here I'm going to share a piece of this unreal story with you.

When we got pregnant with Wyatt we knew he would be our last biological child no matter what. It had been close to a year after his death when we both agreed we wanted to adopt though Child and Family Services. We had done the adoption route before, chances aren't high of  a birth mother picking you and we just both felt why wouldn't we help these kids that are so in need of a loving and caring home. It meant letting go of a lot of dreams which I had already done but there were more to slowly loosen my grip on. This was a terrifying process but I kept remembering this life wasn't meant to be comfortable, it was meant to bring God glory and I was excited for this journey even though I was also so very scared for what it could look like.

Back at the end of March I awoke to a facebook message from a nurse who used to care for Deklyn. Her family has a very deep, beautiful connection to a family that was searching for a family that would be interested in adopting a baby and this nurse thought of us... After 7 years, she thought of us. I just can't get over that. My heart exploded for this baby immediately and seeing that this connection goes all the way back to Deklyn made and makes me so emotional. So as time has gone on we've been making a wonderful bond with this babies birth family and I am so looking forward to continuing it. Adoption is such a beautiful and heart breaking process. I can't imagine what birth mom and her family are going through as they watch her beautiful belly grow only to know they will be handing that baby off to another family to care for. I am so grateful for this family, they are so selfless, loving and kind.

We have also since found out that this beautiful baby is a boy! So to say we are excited is an understatement. This baby is loved by so many people, not just us but it's birth family and all the people who have stood by us through our toughest moments. Just as we've needed others in our lives for all of the things we were dealing with we need others again. I don't love asking for help, but I know people want to. If you are one of those people we have a way that you can help. A friend of ours set up a go fund me to help with adoption costs. Anything helps, and if you feel like you want to contribute to this you can do that here.

Thank you to all of you who have been by our side through so much. We can't wait to welcome our newest addition and we'll make sure to show his beautiful face on here when he is in our arms. 

Wyatt Part 4 - The last, but his story is not over

Wow... its been over a year since my last post with a promise to continue and hopefully complete Wyatt's story here. I promise I tried, but its been difficult to put into words the rest of that day. It's also hard to close that chapter. I know I've said that Wyatt has been difficult to share. I wanted to keep him to myself because when I've shared it, that's it. We had him for such a short time, far too short. But here I am, giving it another go because I know his story is meant to be told and not locked away just for me. 

So I ended off with our family in the room, getting to show him off, pray over him and watch as our family lovingly whispered into his ears and stroked his beautiful curly hair. He was not doing well and the doctor told us his organs would start failing soon. What do you do with these moments? If a miracle doesn't take place we are saying goodbye. Some of my memories are crystal clear while others feel a bit foggy, but I wish I had done more. My voice felt trapped and all I could say was "I'm so sorry" and "I love you". Maybe I said more, but that's all I remember. 

I held him as he died. It was an incredibly crushing moment. Deklyn's death hurt, but I was also so happy for him. I felt overwhelmed with this sense that he was perfect, whole and well. I could hold onto that. But God told us to have Wyatt. I spent the next year wrestling with that, which I will likely save for another post (who knows when at the rate I've been posting). Wyatt's death was much more traumatic than Deklyn's for me. A lot of things that we had to do and see were things I would never want to see anyone else experience.

We dressed him, wrapped him up, held him and tried to soak him in. We allowed family back in and they got to hold him. Can I just say how lucky we are to have family that wanted to be there and do these things? You may read this and say of course they would want to, but trust me. I've heard many stories of loss where family are not supportive and want to forget that the child was ever born. I feel extremely fortunate to have family and friends that care about all 3 of our boys. I know this is rare and we know we are so blessed.

Being in the hospital, having just had a baby with all the pains that come with that but no baby is horrible. We had some wonderful staff looking after me. I know Gods hand was in picking who would be there that day. We began texting friends and family to let them know our baby was born and was now in Heaven. That is a hard text to send. I'm sure it must have also been a hard text to receive and no way to know how to respond. Some of my friends asked questions and if I could send photos of him, that meant a lot.

The next day I was doing well physically, so my doctor allowed me to go home. I was so grateful to get out of there but my goodness was it horrible leaving. Moving forward, each step without Wyatt would be excruciating. Even though I was so ready to get home to my own space, that was another step without him. I knew the pain and the hurt that would lie ahead and that almost made it worse. Now we had to go and plan what we'd do about a funeral. 

The funeral part we did much different than Deklyn's and I won't get into all the details. But it was nice to have the people who had been walking with us come, see him and cry with us. We buried him ourselves which was something I hadn't wanted to do with Deklyn. It was amazing to see all the ones who wanted to help in the process.  Sheridan also spoke, and told everyone there that we would need help. It was such a brave thing to do and I don't think we even knew how much help we would end up needing.

Life after Wyatt got really tough. I already mentioned my struggle with why God would ask something like this of us. I had a lot of guilt about putting the people in our lives through something like this again as well as guilt of putting Wyatt through this.

For Christmas a friend of mine gave me the book Glimpses of Grace - Treasuring the Gospel in Your Home by Gloria Furman. In it she quotes another book "The gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ"

This is truly what I have been learning this last while. When we can look at our trials as pieces of our lives that can be used to glorify him, I look at all these shattered bits of my life laying around my feet and I hold them up to him and ask him to use it. God let your light shine through and use every part of me and my story.

To my Wyatt. I am so so proud of you. You came and did everything that God had planned for your short life. I miss you so much. My arms ache to hold you again, I wish I could see you, play with you and make you laugh. Thank you for refocusing my attention on what matters, helping me to live with an eternal mindset and getting me to dive so much deeper into knowing Jesus. I know that's what you would want and that is what you did my sweet boy. As much as this is all true it doesn't take away the pain of missing you everyday, we just have hope that we will see you again. Until I get to kiss that sweet face again and rub that head of curly hair I'll be missing and loving you with every breath, every heart beat and every word that comes from my mouth.

Wyatt's Story Part 3

I definitely intended for this story to be done by Wyatt's birthday. That day has come and gone but I'll continue to plug away at this! I appreciate those of you who are taking the time to get to know our little Wyatt through this story. It means the world to me!

Like I said in part 2, we really did have the most amazing team. They really gave us as much control as possible over the day our little guy would arrive. They gave us such helpful information and were on board for whatever we wanted to see happen. This time around was so different. We just had no idea what to expect with Deklyn and now although we still didn't know for sure, we had someone to compare Wyatt to to know if he was doing ok or not. So we made a plan. Basically we decided that we were going to see how he was doing when he was born, not super helpful for someone who likes to plan and know whats going to happen but by ultrasound it was just too hard to tell how his lungs were doing. His lungs were our main concern because that was Deklyn's greatest hurdle and eventually why he didn't survive. We were praying for him to be born completely whole, and if he wasn't we'd check him over and see how he was doing. If he was sick, but not as bad as Deklyn's case we would send him to the NICU and live day to day. If he seemed very sick, possibly worse off than Deklyn we decided most importantly we wanted time with him before he left us behind. Knowing all this our team would be able to help steer us the day of because obviously the day of it would be so hard to make decisions. I really didn't know then how incredibly helpful those hard conversations would be. It's odd to leave a meeting like that with such peace. But we did. I just knew all these people had our back. Our team agreed Wyatt's best chance was to be born early so we could start treatment as soon as possible we scheduled his birth to be at 36 weeks and I got steroid injections in hopes of helping his lungs.

March 7th, we woke up and made our way to the hospital. I wanted the day to be a good day, no matter what we were meeting our son. It took longer than we anticipated to get to HSC and for Sheridan to find parking but finally we got to where we needed to be and I was admitted. Everything moved super smoothly. We were scheduled for our c-section at 11 and it wasn't to far away from that when we were told they were ready for us. I had reached out to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and had picked a photographer off their list to take photos for us. This was a super hard step for me, but it was the best decision I made. She met us at the hospital and she is the reason I have so many photos of his birth and shortly after which I couldn't be more grateful for.

I walked into the OR, there were a few friendly faces waiting for me. They all assured me that we were in good hands and they were going to do everything they could to help our baby and make this go exactly how we wanted it to go. Still looking back I'm in aw of the compassion and love in that room. Maybe its because the day Deklyn was born I was just so excited and everyone I met seemed to be treating me like he had already died. I expected it to be similar this time I guess but I just genuinely felt like everyone there cared for us AND Wyatt. They were trying to make the situation as normal as possible. I sat on the table waiting for my spinal to be done, I was trying to hold back the tears but I just couldn't. I wish I could remember the name of the nurse who stood in front of me, rubbing my arms, wiping my tears and making sure I was ok. Letting me squeeze her hands as hard I could as they administered the spinal. She was the perfect nurse for me that day.

The day was here... the day I had spent months wondering how it would look was here and now I couldn't go back and enjoy the days we had. It had all gone so fast. They lay me down and Sheridan walked in and sat down beside me.

I closed my eyes, trying to think about other things than what was going on. Then I heard a splash, they broke my water. Not to long after I heard the one doctor talking to my son, in the sweetest voice she was welcoming him. I heard a few gurgle sounds, but no cry. They brought him over and I instantly cried "Oh, he's so cute!" I saw so much of Flynn. We commented on how we thought his arms looked longer than Deklyn's had. But he was laying there in Sheridan's arms, not breathing and turning a darker shade of purple every second. I was terrified. Sheridan reminded me to not think on whats to come, to just enjoy these moments with him because we didn't really know how much longer we'd get. They then took him back to the examining table, intubated him and looked him over.

The worst case senario was happening. We knew it, but we tried to hope that maybe things looked better than they seemed. The doctor told us his color was returning and that shortly they would bring him by again so we could look at him some more. Now feeling a little more calm that he wasn't dying right in front of me, I was able to talk to him and stoke the top of his head. I was trying so hard to be in the moment, look at him, memorize every detail just in case. I rubbed his head full of curly hair and whispered over and over "I'm so sorry".

The doctors came over again and told us that there really wasn't much more they could do for him. Bringing him over to the NICU wasn't going make him better and his organs would be starting to fail soon. Some people ask me if he was worse off than Deklyn. Honestly I think so but I can't say for sure. They may have thought the same thing of Deklyn when he was born. The difference was when Deklyn was born we had every intention of keeping him alive. Keeping him here so that we could see God work a miracle in him right in front of us. That was the plan. With Wyatt we were certainly still hopeful for that but we weren't going to put his little body through so much. If he was born and was so very sick we knew we'd be letting him go.

Our agreement in this case, the worst case, was that we were going to spend time as a family. They took Wyatt out of the room to clean him up a bit and give him some medication so he wouldn't be in pain and when they were finished up with me they wheeled me across the hall to an empty room. Sheridan went to go get Flynn, I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw me. I had been crying for who knows how long and I was lying flat in a bed wearing a weird out fit. He was scared. I told him I was ok and that we were going to meet his brother who we had been calling Baby Wy.

They wheeled Wyatt in and placed him in my arms. I couldn't believe this was happening. How did we get here? His tiny little body in my arms and respiratory therapist beside me keeping him alive this was not how this was supposed to go. How unfair to Flynn, this is how he meets his brother. There was lots of silence in that room, followed by whimpers and crying out and trying to keep it together back to silence. We showed Flynn his baby brother, Flynn was so excited for this day. He had been asking for weeks already when would the baby get here. He said he was so cute. He was calm but cautious and he definitely picked up on that something big was happening. Flynn has an incredible memory so we knew we'd want Wyatt to give him something special. Flynn loved cars at the time so we picked out a die cast Mater car to be from Wyatt. Flynn still remembers which is great and so special.

After awhile we allowed our family that was there into the room. No one got to hold him at this time, but they got to come beside me and look at him, touch him and tell him whatever they wanted to tell him. It was a heart wrenching but beautiful moment I feel so lucky that I got to see. People say we are amazing for giving them that time but I wouldn't have had it any other way. As much as I know it was a gift to them it was a gift to us to see them with him. We also got to share his name with everyone. I knew I wanted his name to be very special and meaningful and this is what we came up with.

Wyatt - Brave & Strong Warrior

Timothy - Honoring God (But also after his amazing Papa)

Cooper - Actually doesn't have a special meaning but Sheridan really liked it so we decided to sneak it in there. It means Barrel Maker.

More next time.

Wyatt's Story Part 2

So we know now that our baby appears to have HPP, just like Deklyn. But, we never saw Deklyn this early so we began to build on hope that maybe this baby would be better off than Deklyn. There were so many babies born with HPP in recent years that were doing pretty well with treatment. Maybe that would be this babies story if he wasn't completely healed. We continued going to fetal assessment to see how his bones were doing, HPP is degenerative so every time we went back we saw his bones getting worse. It was so hard.

I regret so much of my pregnancy. Not the pregnancy itself but how I spent it. Now while your reading this I'm sure your saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself" or "You did the best that you could". That may all be true, but I think whenever we lose someone we love we'll always look back and wish we had done things differently. I was so sad and felt so alone. At the time I didn't know of anyone who had been in shoes like mine. Someone who knew they had a 25% chance of having a sick baby and took the chance and the worst case happened. I felt guilty, I began to doubt my ability to hear God's voice and I was SO mad at myself for creating another sick baby. I never wanted another baby to go through what Deklyn did. I didn't want our family to go through what we went through again. All I could see was, if this baby was not healed on earth I wasn't sure how I could make it all work. How would I balance taking care of Flynn and this baby if this babies life looked a lot like Deklyn's. I truly believed Deklyn lived for as long as he did because I was able to be with him majority of the time. Now with Flynn how could I give this baby that and give Flynn what he needs and deserves? On top of all this I felt like mostly everyone around me didn't get it. They didn't seem to get the intense pressure I was under, the extreme guilt I was feeling and all I wanted was for this baby to be loved no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I know people loved him but I think it's hard for people to connect to a baby they can't see. Most of that happens when the baby is born, but I knew it was very possible that everyone in my life might not get to meet this sweet baby. I wanted him to be loved now, not when it was too late.

For the most part, I know everyone around me was just trying their best or what they thought was their best. Majority of the time in these scenarios people tend to say nothing rather than reach out because they don't want to say the wrong thing or didn't want to make me sad, but it left me feeling isolated. I reached out to a few that have been in similar shoes and found some comfort in that, but I was left running scenarios in my head, wondering what we would do in each one. I spent most nights crying out to God to change what was happening, to heal my precious son. I knew without a doubt he had the power to do it, but I was left wondering why was I so sure he had asked us to this? How could a loving God ask me to do this? I was wrestling with this. I told God that if the lady with the bleeding only needed to touch his clothes to be healed I could surely approach him in prayer and do the same for my son. If all I needed was faith as small as a mustard seed I surely had that. 

I didn't know how to plan for his birth because I wanted to believe that he would be ok, but I needed to prepare myself for if he wasn't, funny how now I know all the planning in the world would not prepare me for that moment. I needed to trust. Trust that no matter what God would have us. No matter if he would live or die God was still good and we'd make it through the storm with him guiding us. We naturally want to have control, to know the out come so we can prepare but that's just not how life works. There is great testimony in believing and seeing things change but even greater is the testimony of someone who doesn't see change but continues to praise and follow. How could I expect a perfect, unbroken life when Jesus promised us we would suffer. I still believed. I knew without a doubt that our baby could be healed here, but I had to know that if he wasn't I'd still trust that my God is good and that he cares for me. If there was one thing that was carrying me, it was that in the end he will make all things right. That was one truth I knew I could hold tight too.

I clung to this verse on those horrible days of waiting and wondering:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So looking back, I wish I hadn't focused so much on wanting to know what the end result would be. I wish I had put my energy into making memories with him rather than spending my days in tears anticipating what could come. I wish I could go back and make sure that everyday I told him I loved him, and cherished those little movements. I wish I could have put my fears aside and trusted that no matter what God would take care of us. I tried, I tried so hard but I wanted to control what would happen. People around me wanted to help control what would happen. I also don't want to make it sound like I didn't enjoy my pregnancy cause I did. I loved being pregnant, and we were so lucky to have Sheridan's family take us on a trip while I was pregnant. It's really special that he got to be apart of those memories. We had some really special moments and I feel really lucky that I got be with him for his entire life.

Then, before I knew it we were in the middle of February, had a date for his birth and were making plans with the most amazing team for his birth.

Wyatt's Story Part 1

I am finally ready. Ready to share Wyatt's whole story with all of you. As we come close to his birthday I am feeling like now is the time. I'm not sure how long this will take me, but I'm going to write it in chunks as I have time and have the ability. If you are reading this, know you are so lucky to hear about one of the sweetest boys who was ever here and is now with Jesus. Some of this will be familiar from other posts but I am going to start from the beginning as that's the only way I feel it makes sense.

So just a warning, these post may be hard to read. They are sad and they show the reality of what I was going through in my pregnancy with Wyatt. I'm not going to say everything I thought or did was right, but I will be honest and share with you exactly how it was and how it felt.

The start of Wyatt's Story

We had just moved to our new house, getting settled in and making it our own. I was so happy and loving this life on our acre yard that kinda feels like you are in the country but not. I'd been reading a book from a friend, Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I was trying to be very intentionally about spending time with God and really listening for him. So I would read some from the book, pray and read the Bible and listen out on my porch as Flynn would nap. One day as I was walking down the stairs in our home, I felt like I heard "You will be pregnant again, you will walk down these stairs pregnant". It was so clear. Personally, I would have loved to be pregnant again but Sheridan and I had agreed now that we had Flynn we just couldn't do anything to put our family through another story like Deklyn's. So I started to wonder, was this God or my head? For days I kept praying about this and I kept having the same thing come back "You will be pregnant again". I felt super silly doing it, but I prayed that if this was really from God and not just my head that God would tell Sheridan the same thing and he would come to me and tell me that he thinks we should have another baby. I figured this would be impossible because Sheridan was so against ever having another biological child. He just didn't want to see us go through that again.

We were currently in the process of starting up adoption stuff again and Sheridan said we should really decide what we are going to do next. So I asked him what he meant by that and he said "I feel like we are supposed to have another baby" WHAT?!?! I just could not believe it. I couldn't think of a time that my prayers had been answered so clearly and exactly the way I wanted. I told him what I had prayed and we just knew this was from God. We were so excited to be able to share this story of God showing up and truly revealing what he wanted for us. It was the perfect story.

August 2017, Wyatt was already here
but most people didn't know that yet.

It wasn't too long and we found out we were pregnant. We were excited, but I was also nervous. I never felt God tell me that our baby would be healthy, but it also kinda felt like a no-brainer... why would God tell us to have a sick baby? We were planning to tell our family at Flynn's 2nd birthday party and I was really hoping to have an ultrasound by then but we ended up telling our families early and my ultrasound was booked for the end of September. Our families have always been amazingly supportive. I was worried about putting them through all that pain again, but no one made me feel like they were concerned about that. Everyone was excited for this little baby that God's hand was so clearly upon. Even when we started telling friends we still hadn't had an ultrasound which at the time I didn't like. I wanted to be able to tell people we were pregnant and all was well. Now in hind sight, I'm glad it happened this way. That we were able to have the excitement of telling people another baby was on the way without it being tainted by "He's sick".

September 28th 2017, ultrasound day. I was excited but nervous. I went cautious, just in case but I really did believe all would be well. As she placed the wand on my stomach we saw him. Our little bean. I anxiously waited to see a long arm or leg stretch out. It wasn't happening. She moved the wand over so we could see the top of his head and that's when I saw two short arms. My heart sank. The tech was explaining what I already knew, "Here's the head, and here are the arms." "They are short right?" I said. "Yes they are." she replied. I burst into tears, uttering a few words I normally would try not say and was trying my best not to hyperventilate and have a complete break down right there in that room. The doctor came and told us what we already knew "I think we know what we are dealing with here due to your previous pregnancy" yes... yes... I know. 

I probably said and thought "I can't" a million times that day. 

I can't do this again, put our families through this again, put Flynn through this, carry a baby that I know will have such a hard life, bury another child, live in the hospital, take care of such a sick child and a healthy child, live with this crushing pain, believe this is real .... my list of can not's was endless. 

We had planned to have a fun date that day, well that kind of went out the window now but we had decided we'd still go to Costco. We wandered around, but buying things seemed pointless now. Nothing was going to ease this nightmarish pain. I remember waiting for Sheridan to get out of the bathroom and I stood there with my eyes fixed to the ground wiping my tears hoping no one would come ask if I was ok because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak. I began texting our family and a few friends to let them know things didn't look good, why did I have to do this? Why couldn't I be sharing that all was well? I was so mad, heartbroken and devastated.

This wasn't supposed to be our story. How could God ask us to do this? How could I trust that I really heard his voice? A million questions and fears were setting in and my brain didn't know how to process it. I felt so broken and betrayed. I had actually prayed that if this baby was going to have HPP that I would miscarry, now obviously I wouldn't have wanted it that way but in the moment looking forward looked so painful. Our options were 1, God would completely heal him and God would be given all the glory. 2, His case wouldn't be as bad as Deklyn's, my hope was that he'd be able to breath on his own or at least be stronger than Deklyn was at birth and have a better chance. Or 3, his condition would be similar or worse than Deklyn's and we'd have to decide if we want to go through treatment again or let him go.

The future looked unbelievably painful and I had no idea how to live through the pain when every moment I was awake was a reminder of what was to come. When I could hardly get through a book with Flynn without crying because I knew there was a chance I wouldn't ever get to read a book to this baby. That I may never to get to play with him, feed him and dress him. I had so many questions I felt like I needed answers for when now looking back I shouldn't have been so consumed with the "what if's".

Broken, But God is Still Good

I've tried to write many times since my last post, but I never want to force it. I want it to come naturally but I often feel like my thoughts are jumbled and come out making no sense. Today marks 6 months since Wyatt was born and died and I just felt the need to write. So I apologize in advance if this makes no sense. Grief has done a number on my brain which I'll maybe make time for on another post.

This life is so hard. Unbelievably hard. If I'm being completely honest, for the most part I turn the part of my brain that remembers everything that happened off so that I don't turn into a complete mess, can still live life and take care of Flynn. I miss my boys. Deklyn would have been either in grade 1 or 2 this year... seeing as he was a December baby we would have been able to pick which year he would have started. Seeing all the photos of kids off to school is hard. I can't help but think that his class is really missing out. I wish his teacher knew she/he was missing out on an amazing kid being in their class. Wyatt... I can only imagine how cute and cuddly he'd be right now. I'm sure I'd be exhausted and a complete mess but unreal happy. Sometimes I just picture myself holding him, playing with his beautiful curls but that dream is always rudely awakened with a picture of his grave. Flynn turned 3 this past weekend and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't truly know what its like to have a brother. He talks about his brothers, that he loves them and that when he's bigger he'll get to give them a kiss. I'm so sorry that he'll have to explain that he has brother's but they aren't here. The looks and comments he might have to deal with, I'm so sorry and I pray that he'll have so much grace for those that don't understand and that he won't be afraid to talk about them.

Oh how I miss my boys. I wish I could take my whole pregnancy with Wyatt back. I'd do it all over again, just to feel him and spend that time with him. Make sure he felt as loved as he was. It's not fair. This life is not fair. But God didn't promise us fair. We actually have been promised that this life will be hard, and to count it all joy when we face trials. I pray that God can and will use my story, I pray that God will set my eyes on things above and that I would not focus on gathering up earthly treasures. I pray that he will guide my steps and show me where he wants our family to go. I pray that he holds my broken heart while it feels to heavy to carry. I thank him, for I know he is good. I know that he cares for me and I know I can trust him. In spite of all this, my heart is still shattered. My life is in pieces. But as I kneel before him and show him each piece I know he will slowly show me how to put them back together. 

I will never be the same, and that's ok. I will always miss my boys and I want to. Thank you to the people in our lives who continue to show they care with words and action. You have no idea how much those words and actions have meant to us. We need them. Even now, 5.5 years after Deklyn's death and 6 months since Wyatt's. I'm great at looking like I've got this all figured out, but I promise you I don't. I don't think it would be possible for someone to have life figured out, no matter what it is you are facing. 

Something that I have found super helpful is connecting with other mom's who have lost. If you don't have someone in your corner who you feel you can talk to about your babies I promise you I will. I would love to. If you've lost a baby, feel free to leave their name and any other information you'd like about them in comments here. Our babies deserve to remembered and I'd love to remember them with you.

Wyatt - Brave in War

It's crazy to think I should have a baby in my arms right now.

Our sweet baby boy was born March 7th at 11:41am weighing 4 pounds 11 oz and 13" long. His name is Wyatt Timothy Cooper Sawatzky.

He is so perfect and so beautiful. He has the best hair out of all my kids and the cutest little nose and lips. When ever I think about him the word "sweet" always comes to mind. I feel like I hardly got a chance to know him but I know that he is so very sweet. I think if I had the chance to watch him grow up, sweetness would have been a big part of his personality.

We chose the name Wyatt, one because we liked it and two because the meaning Brave in War seemed so fitting for him and what he was going through. He is our brave little fighter... so very brave.

I had no idea my heart could make room for so much more love until I saw him. We honestly had the most amazing team with us that day and I am so thankful for each and every person that was put in that room with us. Before the surgery was to start I sat on the table with my legs shaking and tears streaming down my face, everyone in the room took the time to assure me that they were all going to do there very best and a few of them took the time to tell me they were praying. They all showed me that they cared deeply for us and this boy that we were all about to meet. Our focus that day was time as a family and although I will always wish that that time could have been longer, I am so thankful for what we got. 

I am not fully ready to share the whole story of that day on here, but I did want to share that he was born and is now home with his brother Deklyn. 

We got to hold him, kiss him and watch Flynn love on him before we said see you later which I am so grateful for. I can only describe this time as what feels like having the wind knocked out of you. We believed things would be different and it feels horribly confusing when we know we did what God asked us to do. But we continue to believe, trust, love and hold onto God. He's the only one who I know can get us through this and even if its with the last bit of strength I have I will hold on to him for dear life.

Thank you to all of you who have been supporting us. We are so very grateful and we need it so much.
If any of you want to make a donation in Deklyn & Wyatt's name to Deklyn's fund (all proceeds go to continued research for HPP) follow the link at the top right hand corner of this blog and select donate now.

Hope

This pregnancy has been unreal tough. After Deklyn I never thought I could be stretched in such a way again but here I am being stretched like never before.

After finding out this baby wasn't well I backed down, I hid and prepared myself for the worst. People around me were trying to be optimistic and hopeful but I just couldn't see it. I've been down this road before and it didn't end well. I believed with all my heart that things would change, our Deklyn would be healed and he'd have the most amazing beautiful story to share with the world. Granted he still does, I just get to share it for him. I think any person can see and understand why I felt the way I did. 

After awhile I decided I didn't want to just be sad all the time, I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy no matter the outcome. So I did a big thing for me. I moved the change table to our room and prepared it with baby #3's things. I filled it with newborn clothes and the blankets that I had specially sewed for him. All the while I was telling myself that this is something I should do, not really believing that our baby would ever get to lay on that table, wear those clothes or use those blankets. 

In the past week I've really taken time to learn and grow in the areas that I am struggling with. Prayer time has always turned into tears and me telling God what I know the bible says and how I need him to help me believe that we can get our miracle. Begging God to show me some hope that life might turn out better than what we see right now. I'd flip through my bible hoping to land on that perfect verse and know God is telling me our baby will live and be well. I hated that every time I prayed looked like this and ended with me trying to see how I would make it with two children not alive.

Here is what has been sticking out to me this past week.

1) Although it can feel silly we need to keep asking! 

Matthew 7:7-8 Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

God will ALWAYS answer. Sometimes we need to keep asking, sometimes the answer doesn't look the way we expect but he will always answer us. The rest of that verse talks about how if we know how to give good gifts to our kids how much better God's gifts will be to those who ask him. We need to ask! Along with this, I learnt a lot about the story of Elijah and how he had prayed for rain, God told him rain was coming. Most of us I think would go "Awesome! Lets see it!", Elijah went to the mountain and prayed and prayed until he saw the faintest hint of rain coming. This really shifted my perspective on prayer as well. Even though rain was promised, Elijah still prayed.

2) Jesus is our High Priest

This isn't something I ever thought about much or probably even cared about... but it's a pretty big deal! In the old testament the high priest was the one who could enter The Most Holy Place and stand before God to make atonement for himself and the people for all their sins. Jesus is our high priest. He stands before God and pleads for us!

Hebrews 4:15-16 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Knowing this we can confidently pray knowing Jesus has mercy and grace for us and fights for us.

3) I have so much more but I'll leave it with this last one. We need to have faith like Jesus did. If we truly believe what the bible says, that we will do greater things than Jesus we need to have faith like him. Jesus healed diseases and he raised people from the dead! He truly believed that his father was more capable than the darkness that surrounded the situation. 

Now please as you read this, don't think I have it all together or that I'm not still sad or upset about all this. Honestly, it's a lot easier for me to have doubt and prepare for the worst. Every movement I feel from this baby is a reminder that things aren't quite as they should be. Every ultrasound is a reminder that we are up against something really tough. Every week that goes by brings more anxiety about whats to come and a fear of what life might look like. This is all stuff that is still very hard for me. But what I am trying to do is continually bring these to God, he's big enough, he is greater and I'm asking him to turn my fears into joy as I look to him and believe he's greater than this disease. 

This isn't something I feel super comfortable sharing, I always feel like I'm not great with words but this morning I just had it on my heart to write this out. So hopefully someone feels encouraged by this to continue praying for their own situation. As always thank you to all of you who have been supporting us and praying for us!

One more thing, the week of Deklyn's birthday we received a gift from a stranger. A beautiful sign and ornament. Please, if you are reading this know that gift was so perfectly timed and we love it so much. We are so grateful for you and your obedience to do what you felt you should do. We felt loved and joy in a very hard time. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful 3D Ultrasound photo of our 3rd baby boy.

Big Life Changes

Well I suppose it's time to update this abandoned blog, that is if anyone still looks here!

I'm sure if you are reading this you are probably already aware of our situation but in case you are not and because I feel like I'm at a stage where it will be helpful to write out my feelings and share in hopes that I can help someone else not feel alone here we go...

I'm a bit terrified to write out how I feel, it's scary to let your vulnerable side be seen and share for almost anyone to read! It's taken me quite sometime to come to a place where I feel comfortable sharing pieces of this journey but I really hope I can help someone else in their journey by sharing.

This Summer Sheridan, Flynn and myself moved to a new house. It was an exciting time as we moved to pretty much our dream house. Shortly after we moved, I began to have this sense or feeling that I would be pregnant in this house.. I could see it. The more I thought on it, the more I was really excited about this being a possibility and this even being something that God was telling me to do... I never thought God would lead me to have another child... I've always kind of looked at that as being something we would just decide to do if we both felt it was a good decision for our family (which we both agreed was not in our future). I didn't tell Sheridan how I was feeling and instead prayed that if this was truly the direction we were to take that Sheridan would approach me with the idea of having another baby. I remember kind of laughing as I prayed because I thought "Truly God won't answer me in the exact way I ask him to... that NEVER happens". But wouldn't you know it, a few days later Sheridan came to me and said he felt like we should again put adoption stuff on hold and have another baby on our own. He had no explanation for why he felt this way execpt that God had totally changed his heart in that department. We were so excited as we felt so lead in this direction... it was so clear.

I then found out I was pregnant... I was nervous but mostly excited. I wasn't eager to share our news with others because I wanted to wait till we knew for a fact that everything was ok.. but we slowly started sharing our news and getting more excited. We then had our first ultrasound and we waited and waited to see long arms and legs.... but that didn't happen. Our littlest baby looked very similar to Deklyn. "I can't do this again" "I'm not strong enough" "Why did we decide to have another baby" "I can't, I can't, I can't" "We must have heard wrong" These words, along with tears filled that day. The following weeks were very hard for me. I couldn't understand and I couldn't see the future. I began to plan for another funeral and wished with all my heart that I'd wake up not pregnant... that this had all been a dream and we could keep on as a family of 4, with 1 in heaven rather than the possibility of being a family of 5 with 2 in heaven.

After being extremely sad for what felt like forever, I had a very serious talk with God. I told him that I still believed in healing but that it was very difficult me for me to see that in our future because of our past. I told him that if Jesus was here today I know he would touch my stomach and our baby would be completely healed. I told him I knew that the holy spirit was in me, and that it was completely possible for our baby to be healed right then and there, but that I needed him to help my unbelief. And I decided that day to cherish each minute with this baby, and try my best to be happy with what I have this moment rather than look to the future with worry and picture myself burying another child or how I can't imagine being apart from this baby or from Flynn. It is so hard to have this perspective and so easy to just sit in sadness, but I knew Flynn and this baby deserved better.

I was terrified that people would judge our decision, I felt like people wouldn't care this time because we knew this could happen, I felt like people maybe wouldn't love this baby out of fear of having to say goodbye... because I'll be honest, I tried to not love it... I tried to not think about it to hopefully make it easier. But in the end, no matter what, I know I would be upset with myself that I didn't cherish this time... our last pregnancy. And this baby is so deserving of our love no matter what the out come.

Now we just had our 2nd ultrasound, and things aren't perfect but we did have a lot of good news. Pretty much everything looks wonderful except for the short limbs. Deklyn's ultrasounds often left us feeling defeated when all we'd hear is how horrible everything looks and how there is no way this baby could live...  We had a great tech and doctor show us all the things they were happy with along with the things that we could obviously see weren't how they should be and that made a huge difference in the appointment. Right now we are just waiting. We'll see with future ultrasounds how this baby develops and we are hopeful that it's chest will continue to grow as it should.

We know our God is bigger than any disease and will continue to believe that our baby will receive full healing. We pray for continued peace and joy as we continue this pregnancy and enjoy each and every minute we have with our little bean. 

Philippians 4:6-9 
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

As I've always said in the past, thank you for your love and support! We need more than I think we ever have. I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated as we progress in the pregnancy.

A Quick Update & A New Project!

The last 5 months have flown by and I can't believe how big Flynn is getting. It's been an interesting  new part of our journey that is for sure. Most people say to me that Flynn must be so healing and in ways, yes he certainly has been but having him has also made Deklyn's absence more apparent in new ways. I honestly have been more emotional about him being gone now than I was before Flynn was here. Deklyn's birthday was a hard one... His party was mostly fine, but the morning at church was pretty rough. I just so badly wanted to hear someone say "Happy Birthday Deklyn"... I did get a few texts from some wonderful friends which I appreciated so very much. I try not be unrealistic... I know most people didn't know it was his birthday but it was just harder than his past birthdays for some reason.

I've really been struggling with feeling like Deklyn is slowly slipping away... like he is talked about less and less which I guess is expected... he's not here, but as a mom its still hard. This week I got the privilege of talking to a group of mom's about him and that was just so good for my heart. When I went I didn't want to just tell a story, but have the mom's come away challenged. I often feel like things make sense in my head but don't come out right in my words so I really hope I made sense... but either way I was blessed to be with those ladies who let me share Deklyn and help my heart heal a little more. One thing in particular that I still struggle with is healing... I know our God is healer and I know healing happens all the time! I love hearing those stories but at the same time they often make me feel like I must have done something wrong.. but I know that is just a lie. God is good in spite of everything I've been through, I choose to say it and believe it everyday no matter how I feel and what I'm struggling with. How easy is it to say that God is good when all is going well? Or when the healing does come... I think it means a lot more to say it in the hard times because it is true all the time.

A few days ago I posted a picture of Deklyn's bear on instagram. We take Deklyn's bear with us when we go away and will take pictures of it in memory of Deklyn. A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted one of those pictures to put up as a reminder of the powerful impact life can have and it got me thinking... there could very well be other people who want that exact reminder in there home, or maybe Deklyn has taught them something else and they would want a picture of his bear as a reminder of whatever that is... so we started The Mr. Bear Project. How it works is we have a bunch of pictures up on our photography page on Facebook, pick a picture and either message us there or e-mail me at cassondra.faith@gmail.com with the picture number you want. All the proceeds will go to The Deklyn Sawatzky Endownment Fund, we ask for a minimum donation of $15 and when you message or e-mail me I'll let you know how you can do that! You can view all the pictures here

I so appreciate everyone who has been keeping our family in your prayers. There are so many of you and it is so appreciated. I so often meet people who I do not know but tell me they followed Deklyn's Journey and that he has changed there lives... I can not tell you how happy that makes this mama's heart. I apologize for not writing very often, I sometimes feel like I don't have a whole lot to say... and what I may feel like saying is too sad or not encouraging.. but I know there are others out there who struggle with the same things and maybe reading how I feel will make them feel like they are not alone so I'm going to try my best to write a little more often. Deklyn is forever on our minds, in our hearts and in our lives because we will continue to say his name and keep his memory alive. I only hope he is proud of all we try to do in his memory. 

He is Here!

Well the last 2 weeks has been quite the change for us and our home.

On September 1st at 11:47am we welcomed our second son into our lives. I was scheduled for a c-section and he was supposed to be born around 8:30am but there ended up being an emergency c-section and someone else ahead of us so we finally went into the OR sometime after 11am. I was excited and nervous just as I'm sure any mom is before her baby is about to be born. I had wonderful staff looking after me and of course my amazing husband there to be my support (I can not say enough how incredible he is... he took such good care of me after surgery). As I lay there and Sheridan sat beside me we heard his beautiful cry and I couldn't help but cry too. It was so amazing to hear, I can count on one hand how many times I heard Deklyn's cry (if you can even really call it a cry, it was more like hearing his voice for a split second) so it felt very overwhelming to hear his cry and know he must be at least fairly healthy to have such a strong cry.

After sometime I finally got hold him while I was in recovery... what a feeling... to hold him when he was under an hour old. He was so peaceful and so incredibly cute. I honestly can't put into words what it is like to have a healthy child after a child who was so sick. I feel like I am living a dream, an amazing dream. I love everything about being this boys mom, and I honestly mean everything. I know that will probably change and getting up in the middle of the night will get old.... it probably helps that he's one of the best babies. He hardly ever cries and at the moment is letting us get a good amount of sleep. I took him for a walk today and I just felt so happy... this is what I've always wanted to do and I feel so blessed and so lucky to be doing this. Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing I've done in my life. Both my boys have been extremely different situations but both rewarding, incredible and both have made me grow and learn in different ways.

I was very prepared for bringing him home to be tough.. we are so used to it just being us and doing whatever we wanted on our own time. But when Sheridan and I got home from the hospital with our beautiful little boy we looked at each other and couldn't believe how right it felt. We didn't have anxiety, we weren't scared... we just felt so much joy and peace. Of course I know it won't be easy, and so far he honestly has been such a great baby, we can not complain. I did have a bit of guilt coming home though... this baby is in no way to replace Deklyn or even to ease the pain of losing Deklyn... but I still felt some guilt like maybe I shouldn't be so happy and a piece of me wishes I could talk to Deklyn and know that he knows he isn't being replaced.. but of course I know that Deklyn is just as happy as us and I'm sure he is just so excited to have a little brother and must be telling everyone in Heaven about him. Deklyn not being with us will never get easier, and actually having this little guy here has made me miss him even more but like always I know he wouldn't want to come back even if he had the choice and I'm so glad I have the promise of seeing him again and we'll all be together.

Well, thats all I'll share for now but I'll leave you with some photos!

Here he is, Flynn Hudson Grant Sawatzky born on September 1st at 11:47am, 7 pounds 1 oz and 20 inches long.

Change in 2015 for the Sawatzky House!

Hello Everyone! I have no idea if anyone even checks this blog anymore as I haven't posted in so long! Honestly I'd start to write and just couldn't finish or post because I didn't feel like what I was saying made any sense... It was so much easier writing and updating about Deklyn compared to now.. sharing how you feel is tough and not always very easy for me.

The past 2 years have been a whirlwind of almost every emotion possible. Since the last time I posted we've past Deklyn's 3rd birthday and 2 years since he passed away. These days just never get easier, maybe with time they will... but I honestly don't really expect them to and I maybe don't even want them to. These days are reasons to talk about Deklyn and to remember him and we have some pretty awesome family and friends that always do their best to make sure these days are not forgotten and are always special and we are SO grateful for these people in our lives.

Now along with not posting in so long I have another reason for writing this post. As I said the past 2 years has been filled with so many emotions and changes for us as a couple and family, and in 2015 we will actually be adding to our family! We are expecting our 2nd baby due in September and we couldn't be more excited and happy. I was pretty nervous about this news getting out as I wasn't sure how people would react as I knew most people would be completely shocked but we've had nothing but support and I so appreciate it!

Most people wonder what kind of emotions we felt in finding out we were expecting and honestly... we just agreed that no matter what we would be happy. If this baby had HPP or not, this baby would be loved and cared for just as much as we loved and cared for Deklyn. 

We had an ultrasound around 12 weeks to see how the baby was doing and that day I was pretty nervous... although I was happy we were having a baby I knew this ultrasound would show us if  we would be having a some what normal pregnancy/newborn stage or if we'd be going down a similar road to what we had with Deklyn. Either way I was going to be happy... but I knew I'd feel sad for the baby if it had HPP and of course it goes with out saying it would just be easier if there were no complications.

As we started the ultrasound we could see our beautiful baby's profile and then I saw what I had never seen on any ultrasound we had with Deklyn and that was long arms stretching out and long legs wiggling around. I instantly knew, this baby did not have HPP. Although at that ultrasound they could not tell us anything for sure they did say as of right now all looked good but we'd need to come back just to make sure. In their words, the baby could have a less severe form than Deklyn did.

So we went back 2 more times after that and we were told that they are 90% sure this baby does not have HPP. Which is a relief of course, but brings in a new set of worries... what is it going to be like being able to bring our baby home? Having to get up in the middle of the night to care for it? Having a normal newborn experience is not something we had with Deklyn.. so it'll bring some challenges and I'm sure some frustrations but we are so excited and feel so lucky that we get to go through a 'normal' pregnancy. I so look forward to doing all the things we felt we didn't get to do with Deklyn but I also know this new journey could make me miss Deklyn in a whole new way.

We have also been told that we are having another boy! So I am sure Deklyn is super excited to be getting a brother and we are so excited too! We know everyone is hoping that this little guy will have his brothers cheeks and we'll definitely try our best! 

Like always, we'd like to thank everyone for the support and love! No matter what we go through whether its hard or exciting we always feel such amazing support and we couldn't be more grateful. We know although this time is so happy & exciting it will bring new challenges and things to work through but with our amazing God and all the loving people in our lives we'll make it through whatever life throws at us. 

I'll leave you with a few picture of our newest baby boy expected early September!

Whats Most Important In Your Life?

Well, like usual its been awhile since my last post. I often get the question “So, any news about adoption?” the answer to that would be no. As I’ve mentioned before we’ll get a call when a mom has picked us, and we won’t hear anything until then or if it gets to the point where we’ve been available for a year and still haven't been picked then we’ll have to re-new some paper work and pay more fees but that's about it.

Since my last post, not a whole lot has changed in our lives. We are just trying our very best to enjoy this time in our lives, even if for the most part we wish our lives were different. For now, I'm enjoying that we can do whatever we want with out children holding us back, and sleep! I know one of these days sleep will be hard to find! We were very lucky to invite another niece into our family, so that is so exciting but also kinda hard because this is a member of the family that will never meet Deklyn here on earth. I know she will know who Deklyn is and that makes me happy, but it still hurts to know they won’t grow up and play together.

Every single morning I have to make a choice, I  have to choose if I will let my past make me upset that day or I can choose to think about all the wonderful things in my life and choose to be happy. I don’t always make the choice I should, actually often I don’t.

There are a few things that I think about to try and keep my attitude in the right place, and maybe you’ll find that these will help you too:

1) Even though my life may not be exactly the way I would want it, I still have so much to be happy about.

2) When I choose to forget about myself and my problems and focus on others and helping others I find I just feel so much better and often the things that I was upset about don’t seem so big anymore.

3) Everyone goes through bad times in their life, I once heard someone say “If you haven’t ran into hard times yet just live a little longer” and I think that so true. But it helps to know that I am not the only one struggling and we are just so lucky to have such an amazing God that cares so much for us and is with us every single step of the way.

And here is the big one, at least for me!

4) What really is important? Let that sink in… Really…. Deep inside your heart, what is most important to you?  For me this can change from day to day… but I try my best to make God the most important thing in my life. So what would my life look like if God is the most important thing? The way I look at it is this, when I get to heaven will God ask me “How many kids did you have?” or “Did you get everything you wanted on earth?” I really don’t think any of those things will matter at all when we get to heaven. But I will have to be accountable for what I did while I was here, and I hope with all that I am that I get to hear “Well Done”. So to accomplish that I need to listen to God, obey him and love others with all that I am. Its not easy, but day by day I am trying my best to live in a way that is most pleasing to God and maybe one of these days we will be blessed with another child, but I am trying my best not to focus on that but focus on God and what I can do for him during this short time that I am here.

I hope this short post has encouraged and challenged you in some way!
Thank you to all of you have continued to pray for us and support us. It means so much!